Aces High Bulletin Board
General Forums => The O' Club => Topic started by: Chaos68 on September 11, 2003, 02:48:20 PM
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An oldie but a goodie
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
T URD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, memain in the stall until the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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LMAO
I'm an Out-Of-The-Closet Courtesy Flusher.
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Tears are streaming down my cheeks and my office mate thinks that I am out of my mind ... I haven't laughed this hard in a long time ... priceless.
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Funny chit! No chit! Thks!
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Havana Omelet still makes me crack up... I mean the name, not the act. What a visual. :(
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we cant say ****?
lol
T U R D :D
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Whats wrong with you guys?
Over here we take great pride in our ability to crap.
This includes announcements of our intentions such as:
"I'm off to lay a log"
"I'm going for a dump"
"If I don't get going my bellybutton is gonna explode"
"I think theres some hurry in my curry"
"That last fart said time for a dump"
Then theres the post crapping announcements:
"I just gave birth to the anti-christ"
"Don't go in there til the HAZMAT teams finished"
"I didn't eat corn last night?"
"I feel 10 pounds lighter"
"Don't light a match in the bog"
"I've been exorcised, but my turds still possessed"
"Give the bog a couple of hours guys"
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It does seem a rather timid outlook.
I start printing off espn articles as soon as I get in, just to be ready.
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To add to Vulcans list.
In our office we commonly use the following announcements
"I'm off to wash my hair." (thats sometimes what happens during a Watermelon)
"I'm headed to the Superbowl"
"Taking the browns to the Superbowl"
"Dropping the kids off at the pool"
While at the superbowl farts are known as Audible's from the QB :D
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Out of the closet Uncle Ted here. :D
Screw you studmuffingy non-poopers.
Newspaper in hand, I will march to the stall with pride and will stay as long as possible to make you unconfortable and expose your lack of pooping confidence.
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Vulcan, the text here confuses the general "out of the closet pooper" with the use of a WARNING ORDER.
If you announce you're going to the head to "Blow Some Mud", you can be damn sure nobody's gonna wander in there until 15 minutes after the event.
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I worked for a guy a few yars ago who always made little put-down types of remarks to the guys in his crew, especially when his boss was around. I guess he thought it made him look more important or something (if you have nothing positive to brag up about yourself I guess dragging others down is your only option).
anyway, since we where working on the 8th floor and the nearest restroom is on the 2nd, the restroom break involves an elevator ride.
so after finishing up I get on the elevator to find this guy and his boss already on. he starts in about "what am I doing down here when the works upstairs", and "you should take care of that on your own time"
I just laughed a bit and said "now earle, why would I take a cr*p for free when you'll pay me $27 an hour to do it"
me and his boss had a prety good laugh. earle didn't laugh much.
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Another official announcment.
Man I gotta go I am crowning
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Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
LOL
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hahaha that list is golden.
I, personally, am a courtesy flusher. Why? I don't mind the splash (watermelon), but if farts are sneaking DIRECTLY behind the turd, then a very loud, high-pressure explosion reverberates throughout the bathroom after splashdown. I think it's hilarious :)
But hey, everybody's going to have to use it... no one DOESNT poop. It's a fact of life... ya gotta do your business. Infact, next time I visit the public restroom and someone is "dominating the toilet" or "pinching a loaf" or "dropping the crosby kids off at the pool" or just plain taking a shit, I'm going to cheer'em on and support them in their endeavor.
octavius the pooped.
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Yep good point Oct. Personally, if somebody else is pooping in there, I look at it as a personal challenge. I will out-poop them and dominate the crapper.
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wait a minute... testing... ****,
hey oct, how'd you type the s hit word?
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A buddy and I once made fun of a guy's small girly poops so much that he left a weeklong camping trip after 3 days.
I guess the guy was really insecure about his small poops.
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This is all and well but one has to be careful in public washrooms. A couple years ago we had a sicko stalking the public rooms at the local Greyhound Station. This guy would wait until someone took a dump and the reach under the stall and into the bowl and grab onto the freshly deposited "poop". Then to top things off he proceeded to , how should I say this, consume his trophy . :eek:
Apparently he was suffering from some for of mental illness that caused this behavior. He made a "clean" getaway the first couple times but eventually was apprehended with the evidence still visible in his hands and face.
Just a warning.......
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Good god man:D
LMAO
Been there done that:D
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Originally posted by Ripper29
...then to top things off he proceeded to , how should I say this, consume his trophy . :eek:
Originally posted by a sick rc51...
Been there done that :D
rc51 step away from the bar!!
Tarmac - it's a secret! We'll see how long it takes to bust me :D
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I lived with an Austrailian guy...he worked out alot and ates lots and lots of all types of healthy food. Still does. He would lay so much pipe that it wouldn't all flush away...ever.
He started using a stick to get it all down after I started leaving mine in plain view on purpose.
It was like "Poop Wars". :)
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I dunno, healthy stuff is one thing, but a squirt is just an unpleasant thing to be around.
Plus, as ripper points out, an office toilet is one thing, but you don't want to loiter around a public restroom. Watch out for coprophages, and if possible use your intel to figure out which public restrooms are used for OOS ("Operations Other than Shjtting"), lest someone pull a george michael on your ass.
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COURTESY FLUSH here. unfortunately many others aren't.
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I prefer to announce loudly in my best Austin Powers voice "Who does #2 work for?!"