> >HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
> > > >>
> > > >> 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
> > > >>left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
> > > >>forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
> > > >>gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
> > > >>right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
> > > >>Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
> > > >>
> > > >> 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
> > > >> sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
> > > >>
> > > >> 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
> > > >>away.
> > > >>
> > > >> 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
> > > >>arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
> > > >>jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
> > > >>forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
> > > >>
> > > >> 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
> > > >> of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
> > > >>
> > > >> 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
> > > >> knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls
> > > >>emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
> > > >>one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
> > > >>pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
> > > >>
> > > >> 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
> > > >>from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair
> > > >>curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
> > > >>vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing
> > > >>later.
> > > >>
> > > >> 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
> > > >>cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill
> > > >>in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
> > > >>and blow down drinking straw.
> > > >>
> > > >> 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
> > > >>humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply
> > > >>Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
> > > >>carpet with cold water and soap.
> > > >>
> > > >> 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
> > > >>pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
> > > >>close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
> > > >>mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
> > > >>with
> > > >>elastic band.
> > > >>
> > > >> 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
> > > >>door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
> > > >>scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
> > > >>cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
> > > >>Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
> > > >>back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch
> > > >>new one from bedroom.
> > > >>
> > > >> 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat
> > > >>from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
> > > >>crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
> > > >>last pill from foil-wrap.
> > > >>
> > > >> 13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
> > > >>with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
> > > >>table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
> > > >>pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
> > > >>steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and
> > > >>pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill
> > > >>down.
> > > >>
> > > >> 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive
> > > >>you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor
> > > >>stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
> > > >>from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to
> > > >>order new table.
> > > >>
> > > >> 15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
> > > >>and ring local pet shop to see if they have any
> > > >>hamsters.
> > > >>
> > > >> HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
> > > >>
> > > >> 1) Wrap it in bacon.
