Author Topic: Advice from the grief councilours (Read 304 times)

Lizard3 · « **on:** September 06, 2005, 09:19:34 PM »

Very very sad thing happend today. My 15 year old daughters boyfreind and his father were in an accident today. Jeremy died, the father is in intensive care. He skipped school today to go with his dad up to the social security office, I assume to get his card so he could get a job. They hit a tree.

He actually was a good kid. He was the drummer and ringleader of her band. My daughter is a learning guitarist.

Anyway, she's crushed. Right down to the bone. She's got allot of his and her freinds over at her house, and I spent a couple hours with her but nothing seems to help, I don't expect it to. It sux.

I've told her how much I love her and that I wish I could make it OK, but we both know I can't. I was wondering if anyone had anything, something to share. I can't stand watching my baby girl hurt like this. Gods plan wont work, thats silly. I don't believe this kind of thing is "planned", and I'm sure she wont buy that either. I had to leave for a while and pick up my youngest from his first football game and that gave me some time to think, but I dunno. I can't think of a thing to say thats constructive, so I told her I love her, I couldn't think of anything to say and to call me if she needed anything. I'll go see her again tomorrow morning after I get off work, but what do ya say?

Gunslinger · « **Reply #1 on:** September 06, 2005, 09:30:22 PM »

I'm not a grief counciler but I can see that grief is a definate process. People go through it differently sometimes but there are definate stages to it.

vorticon · « **Reply #2 on:** September 06, 2005, 09:30:45 PM »

not much i can say (other than its unfortunate, very sad) even less i can say about what you could say...unfortunatly its probably be a good idea to remove the tylenol and booze from the house...

rpm · « **Reply #3 on:** September 06, 2005, 09:41:45 PM »

There are several stages of grief and everyone goes thru them. Sadness, anger, denial and more. They take time and can not be rushed. Everyone reaches them at their own pace. They all end in acceptance and with that comes peace.

Maverick · « **Reply #4 on:** September 06, 2005, 09:43:58 PM »

Liz,

You can't say any magic words to make her feel better. She needs to be able to grieve and get it out of her system. This is likely the very first close loss she has had and it will be a shock for her. All you can do is give her a hug, let her know you love her and will be there if she wants to talk or just a shoulder to cry on. Dad's can't stop their ids form hurting, but you can share it with them and help them through it.

Hangtime · « **Reply #5 on:** September 06, 2005, 10:59:04 PM »

She should not be left alone.

You don't need to say a thing.. just be there.

It'll take awile.

Soon as you can, start to take her to places, do things with her she DIDN'T do with her young man. New faces, new scene, new situations for awile.

Consult with her closest frineds as often as possible. Watch for the danger signs for self destruction..

Be there.

Wolfala · « **Reply #6 on:** September 07, 2005, 03:42:10 AM »

Most important thing is to be present and really to always have someone around her. Frustration, Anger, Resentment - normal; but the first week is absolutely critical to be around. Make adjustments as necessary.

V/R

Wolf

Simaril · « **Reply #7 on:** September 07, 2005, 12:02:09 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Hangtime
She should not be left alone.

You don't need to say a thing.. just be there.

It'll take awile.

Soon as you can, start to take her to places, do things with her she DIDN'T do with her young man. New faces, new scene, new situations for awile.

Consult with her closest frineds as often as possible. Watch for the danger signs for self destruction..

Be there.

Well said, good advice top to bottom.

Hardest thing sometimes to jsut be quiet, to be there. She'll put up with silences better than you, but dont get uncomfortable. Dont try to fix it -- hard for me to let go of fixing, trying to meake it better, maybe its a guy thing -- jsut be there, be loving. Dont let it turn into sitting around in a darkened room, tho -- do some things she's enjoyed in the past, whether its out for ice cream or hiking or whatever. The goal isnt to keep her busy so she'll forget, its to subtley remind her that life is still out there -- dont rush it, but dont forget it.

Watch for changes in friends or activities, withdrawal from family, drop grades, loss of enjoyment in simple stuff. If you start hearing concerning stuff from her or others dont ignore it -- get help. Keep communication open, nothing as important.

Seagoon · « **Reply #8 on:** September 07, 2005, 03:36:56 PM »

Lizard,

Sorry I missed this when you originally posted it.

As a pastor, I've already done more grief counseling than I ever expected, both in person, on the phone, and via mail. What I say to the person depends in large part on who they are, what they believe, the circumstances and where they are. I'm afraid my experience has been there is no "one size fits all" approach to counseling of any kind. The canned responses are unhelpful, and often simply irritate the person you are talking to. Far too many people think they have to say something, so they say something stupid to fill the space. "He's in a better place," for instance is a fave, but aside from the questionable veracity of the statement in some cases, it actually does little to help the mourner who is after all grieving over the sudden and terrible death of a loved one.

The following may be of value in weeding out what not to do and say:
Ettiquette for Grief

Other than that, I can try to give you some particular advice, but to do that I'd actually need to know more about your daughter, what are her religious beliefs and so on. How long had she been seeing this boy (that will often make the difference especially in teens over whether one is dealing more with shock or grieving). Anyway, I'd understand if you don't want to send detail, but if you do I'll give what help I can.

Remember, your role as a father now is primarily to be there for her, and to help a young person without much life experience make sense of all this. Believe it or not, rightly handled, these kind of events can produce a stronger person at the other end. As Robert Leighton, who had much grief in his own life put it,
"Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with."[/i]

Lizard3 · « **Reply #9 on:** September 07, 2005, 08:22:43 PM »

Well, she seem to be working through it. I'm not deluded enough to think evrythings OK, but I can hear that she's progressing through the stages. I think she may have some more anger left, but she's already getting depressed. She's at the point that she doesn't want to see anyone besides her very best freinds and her parents. We had a good cry an hour or so ago, I tried to keep my mouth shut and related how I felt when my father passed two years ago(her grampa) and it seemed to help. I've talked to her mother and tried to go over some things with her, to keep her talking and working through it, not to bottle it up. Kids from school made a nice card and wrote some really nice things and have said alot of good things to her, but some kinda irked her a bit. Some were trying to tell her to be strong and that Jeremy wouldn't want her crying over him and stuff. We talked about that for a while. I told her that if she felt like crying, then cry because to do other wise wouldn't be honest. If she felt mad, then get mad. etc. Her mothers grand Idea was to go get a prescription to knock her out for a while. I'm not so sure about that one.

She had been bf/gf with him for a over two years, they broke up for about 6 months, but got back together last year during school. They spent alot of time this summer writing songs for their band and going places with his dad and his cousin(13yr old girl). She says she had the best summer of her life and now its all gone. She said everything was perfect and doesn't understand how it could all change in one day. I was tempted to say alot of things, but I mostly kept my mouth shut, hugged her and told her I loved her.

You know, 15 is or can be in retrospect some of your best times of your life. Tuff from a parents perspective, but great for kids. The last real innocent years for most people. It sucks that that has all been taken away for her.

I was thinking the same thing seagoon, about how she could end up a stronger person for it, but what a hell of a price to pay. So sad. Whats funny is, more than half of the kids that wrote something to her said how she was the strongest person they knew and that they new she would get through it. Weird, I never thought of my baby as a "strong" person...