~1
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak
with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its
end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole
out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the
yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American!
I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
~2
Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.
~3
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
~4
Polish wedding, the groom stands by the reset button (bowling joke).
~5
Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.
~6
Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.
~7
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.
~8
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.
~9
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector.
A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
~10
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He
drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the
rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step
out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and
start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They
hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and
ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."
He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
~11
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? A
polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup
truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the
bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the
back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open.
~12
A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a
naked woman appears.
Italian: Boy, I could eat her!...
The Polish guy shot her.
~13
Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
~14
Q: What do you get if you integrate around Europe?
A: Zero. Because there are no poles in Europe.
Actually, there are some Poles in Europe, but they're removable.
~15
Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
~16
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
~17
The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that
would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a
Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced
well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and
called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them
how to swim.
~18
Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear
hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR
LEFT" so they went home.
~19
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are
amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to
the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on
the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X
tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the
same boat?"
~20
Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in
Poland? The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies.
~21
A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German
soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each
climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree
where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come
down."
The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next
tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next
tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo,
moo..."
~22
An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger,
when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal
may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping
out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy
steps out and stands in front of the car.
The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it
working?"
To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No,
it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
~23
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up
in the country people's fashion.
~24
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe
says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What
do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there
straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
American.
He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"
~24
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
~25
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.
~26
A patient goes to a polish doctor.
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself
cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days,
then return for a checkup.
Seven days later....
Patient: Thanks a million Doctor; at least I can hear myself cough now.
So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your caugh.
~27
This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took
off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it
to his head. His wife started laughing.
"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"
~28
A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."
~29
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
~30
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
