I know one of the last things you probably feel like doing is reading a book.
I can assure you that this book will at the least give you an understanding of the many reasons you feel this way. It's not an easy read because there are issues that will come up that you may not want to hear, admit, address or delve into. It's almost a guarantee issues (some ppl call damage) are why you have become this way, unless there is some clinical/medical reason for such that is not brain-chemical related, i.e. things like a hormone imbalance, etc. You will not regret the time spent on this book.
the book is: I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real.
PM me if you feel like talking, my family and I have been through a lot.