The Book Of Sharon
Chapter 94
1. And lo again, it came to pass in the land of Is-rael that the Araf-ites and Hamas-ites and all the other -ites waxed wroth, saying "Our land has been taken from us, and the children of Is-rael have pitched their tents even on the ground that has been ours through all generations."
2. Thou mayest have read this before, and thou knowest what comest next.
3. Then rose up a young man who was a Hamas-ite, and girded himself with the wepaons of death.
4. And he went up into Jerusalem, unto the house that is called Pizza, where the children of the children of Is-rael were wont to gather.
5. And he slew them, even an hundredfold. And he was himself slain.
6. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth among the children of Is-rael at this terrible deed.
7. And they cried unto Sharon for vengeance.
8. And, lo, Sharon heard their cry and said unto them, "This is how we are repaid for trying to make peace with the Araf-ites."
9."But now," saith Sharon to his people, "the time for talking hath passed."
10. And the children of Is-rael rejoiced with exceeding great joy. For they knew that soon the smiting was about to begin, as surely as the locust shall consume the harvest fields of He-bron.
11. And so the hosts of Sharon went forth into the lands of the Araf-ites and laid waste their dwelling places until not one stone stood upon another.
12. And the streets of those places ran red with the blood of the Araf-ites, even as the smiting continued until the setting of the sun.
13. And Sharon looked upon the smiting and saw that it was good.
14. "For," said he, "it teacheth them a lesson they will not forget in a hurry."
15. But thou dost not need to be a rocket-scientist to guess what happened next.
16. The following day another young son of Hamas girded himself with the weapons of death and went up into Hai-fa, to repeat the whole sad story.
17. And there was mcuh wailing and gnashing of teeth.
18. And the children of Is-rael cried out unto Sharon and sayeth, "What shall we do now, for this cannot be allowed to go on."
19. And Sharon said unto them, "I have a solution. From now on, it is no more the Guy that is called Mr Nice."
20. "Now I am really going to get smiting like I've never smote before."
21. And the children of Is-rael rejoiced. For this time, they thought, the smiting really will do the trick.
22. And thou dost not have to be a brain surgeon to know what cometh next.
(To be continued forever)
Private Eye, August 2001
