1. How many men does it take to open a beer?
- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman?
- Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
- It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
- When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch?
- You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women?
- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
- The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
- A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.
- I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
- I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
- Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
- It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
- Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault; My wife asked me; "What's on the TV?"
- I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives?
- They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
- Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted."
- The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
- is to forget it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
and still think they are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
- Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go the
refrigerator.
21. Why do brides wear white?
- Men like their dishwasher to match the fridge and range.
