Issued by the Maine Department of Tourism to ALL visiting Urbanites
Don't come up here and order Idaho potatoes or spiny lobsters. Doing so can get your bellybutton kicked.
Don't laugh at the names of our little towns like Piscataquis, Bingham, Penobscot, Rome, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.
Don't order a bottle or a can of Pop here. Up here it's called soda. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an bellybutton kicking.
We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or hillbillies, we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living up here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.
Don't laugh at our love of H.S. sports. Doing so can lead to an bellybutton kicking.
We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money at the ski lodge or at the snowmobile rental place, then get the hell back to Massachusetts or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Otherwise, we'll kick your skinny ass.
Don't try to fake a Maine accent. We don't have an accent. Say we do and you will get your bellybutton kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Boston, New York, and Miami and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta Airlines has seats available. Move your bellybutton on home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know that ice fishing is "not your thing." We don't care. If you don't understand the beauty of being out on a lake when it's minus 30 degrees then you should go home and try fishing in Boston Harbor. Also, don't hog the heater in the fish house or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that Maine has too many trees or is too hilly. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your flatlander bellybutton all the way back to Massachusetts.
Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your bellybutton just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or losers because many of us live on farms or fish for a living? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like Boston, New York or Miami Make fun of us and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the forest land should preserved as one big national park. This will get your bellybutton shot off (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box - Minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit to Maine (or we'll kick....)
