You are what you drive!! by Less Jackson
You know how many people buy pets that look like themselves? And have you ever noticed that married couples start to look like each other? Well, the same holds true when it comes to cars and their drivers. Here are a few observations I've made over the past 25 years. While these may not be particularly scientific -- or accurate, for that matter -- maybe you've noticed too. (Before you e-mail or phone me with your complaints, remember that this piece is done for fun. If you're insulted, take it up with your psychiatrist.)
Volvo owners
Someone once called Volvos the "staff car of the Sierra Club," and it's probably still true. Volvos are the cars for people who hate cars. They are almost always operated by women wearing wraparound skirts (don't ask me why). A disproportionate number of Volvos have filthy windows, too. All Volvos are fitted with private school window stickers and are painted in earth tones -- the red ones are mistakes!
Porsche Turbo
Apparently, Porsche only sells 911 Turbos to bald guys with beards. Maybe that's because the car itself looks like a bald guy or because all of Porshe's engineers get divorced, lose their hair and grow beards. Even though Dr. Ferdinand Porsche himself called the car a PORSH, all owners (and dealers and factory officials) now call it a PORSHA. Sounds more expensive, doesn't it? Ever seen a woman driving one?
Pickup trucks mounted on raised chassis with huge wheels
You've seen them, right? They sit about six feet off the ground and look about as stable as a cheap card table. You're certain if they hit you they'll roll right over your car. Every guy I've ever seen in one of those things is short and weighs 150 pounds, tops. It's safe to say no college grads drive those trucks.
Hot Rods
There was a time when any high school senior could buy an old car, throw in a big V8 engine, paint flames on the side and do the whole thing for $200. You'd see them everywhere and the drivers wore undershirts with a pack of cigarettes rolled into one sleeve. Now there's a huge market for retro-hot rod kits and middle-aged guys are building them by the thousands. Speaking of thousands, those new hot rods cost $30,000+ to build. That probably explains why their drivers still wear undershirts.....
High-powered cars
Overpowered cars have been available since the early 1960s. Zero-to-60 mph in five to six seconds has been considered the Holy Grail of off-the-shelf cars and the manufacturers have given us 400+ horsepower in many vehicles, chiefly sports cars. Why? Well, as an owner of one of these things, I can categorically state that such cars are a hoot to drive! Power is addictive, be it mechanical or political. The good news is that there are two types of owners who buy such hardware -- those who go very fast and those who want everyone to know that they can go very fast. Fortunately, the overwhelming majority fall into the latter category, and that's what keeps these cars (not to mention the owners) from rapidly cruising into oblivion.
