The Twelve days of Xmas...
12/14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love & affection, Your Agnes
********
12/15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, 2
turtle doves...I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are
just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
*******
12/16
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity. 3 french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist...you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
******
12/17
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
******
12/18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings, 1 for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
*****
12/19
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge.
Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
*****
12/20
John:
What's with you and those diddlying birds???? Seven swans
a-swimming. What kind of Golly-gee joke is this? There's bird toejam all over
the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck & I can't
sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY....so stop with those diddlying birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
*****
12/21
Ok Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a-milking, but they had to bring their own Golly-gee cows. There is toejam all
over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me SMART ASS!
Ag
*****
12/22
Hey toejamhead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing.
And Christ do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset & are stepping all over
those screeching birds. No wonder they screech! What am I going to do?
The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours....
>From Ag
*****
12/23
You Rotten salamander:
Now there's 10 ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those 9 pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of toejam.
The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building should'nt be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
*****
12/24
Listen diddlyhead:
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and
aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those
pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.
All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the
orgy. I you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agness McCallister
*****
12/25 (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should ocme to
our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy
Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.
With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
