Hi all,
I'm sure most have been heard before but they made me laugh
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant
crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your
flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out off this airplane."
******
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
******
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
fella. WHOA!"
******
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced,
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
******
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal
tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.
******
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank
you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
Southwest Airlines."
******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with our compliments."
******
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children... or other adults acting like
children."
******
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses."
******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it
wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault...it was the asphalt!"
******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final
approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an
extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of
our airplane to the gate!"
******
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
******
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a
policy which required the first officer to stand at the door
while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for
flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am,"
said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
******
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight
Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in
your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the
tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
the terminal."
******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you
get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
******
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to
Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -
OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry
if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"
TTFN
snafu
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[This message has been edited by snafu (edited 03-07-2001).]
