HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE FOR THE OLD SALT WHO LONGS FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about three hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a [GSMC Kim] flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping up.
3. When there is a thunderstorm in the area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your pocket.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it to "high."
5. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.
6. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room for eight hours a day.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
8. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
9. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store up garbage on the other side of your bathtub.
10. Get up every night just before midnight. Have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup.)
11. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time, and do so without looking in your cabinets or refrigerator.
12. Set your alarm clock to go off at random time during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, being sure to button the top button on your shirt and to stuff your pants into your socks. Run out into your back yard and uncoil he garden hose.
13. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart, and then put them back together.
14. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee per pot, and allow each pot to sit at least five hours before drinking.
15. Invite eighty-five people to come and visit for a couple of months.
16. Install a fluorescent lamp under your coffee table, and lie under it to read books.
17. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors, so that you either trip over the threshold or bang your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
18. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
19. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread the icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
20. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, and shout, "Man Overboard, Starboard Side." Then run into the kitchen and sweep all pots, pans and dishes off the counter and onto the floor. Yell at your wife and/or the nearest kid for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
21. Put on the headphones from your stereo, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with a piece string. Go and stand in front of your stove. Say-to nobody in particular-"Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. Then say-once again to nobody in particular-"Stove secured." Roll up the headphone cord and put the headphone and paper cup in a box.
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cheers,
sand
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