::digs deep into the Archive::
Air Warrior and Monkeys
by Ho
Air Warrior is like the Empire State Building. And Air Warriors are like
monkeys.
When you first start you're a little, orgon-grinder size monkey standing on
the street outside. Looking up you see a building swarming with hostile
monkeys of all different shapes ans sizes. Monkeys are born to climb, and
there ain't no Fay Wrays standing on the street, so instinct takes over ans
soon you're jousting for a handhold and making yer way up the wall.
Some are Fast Monkets. A bit of natural ability combined with an in depth
knowledge of climbing. They become familiar with the cracks and crevices of
the particular building and begin to apply their knowledge within those
parameters. Soon they are climbing, dodging, or scramblin right over some of
the bigger monkeys and snatchin bananas from the slower ones, growing
bigger.
Others are Scrappy Monkeys. These monkeys spend extra time practining. They
ask lots of questions and live for the chance to go toe to toe with the
bigger monkeys. They punch, kick, bite, claw, and spit at the monkeys above
them. Scarred, bloody, and with big ol'chuncks of fur ripped out they monkey
butts they keep hammerin. Occasionally they land a good blow, right in the
monkey 'nards, and topple a bigger monkey. This inspires them to fight even
harder. Soon they learn where to hit and when to duck. They begin to take
their share of bananas.
Then there's the Hungry Monkeys. "Mo 'nanas!, mo 'nanas!" they chant as they
cling to the wall from 6:01 pm til 7:59 am. Calculating that mo'nanas go to
the monkey with mo hangtime they know that if they hang long enough they
will get mo than their share of the 'nanas. Of course they need deep pockets
to sustain this frenzy, can't eat all them 'nanas at once, and are prone to
the dreaded "Banana Split". They must be very careful, lest they wind up
another furry puddle of monkey guts in some alley off 34th street.
Also ya got yer Techno Monkeys. Bumpy FrankenSchwanz in each paw, electrode
catheters up their tail, anti-lock stainless steel vine swingers attached to
their feet, gold plated groin clamps feeding g-inducing jugular valves
hooked into the fastest system available, with the biggest monitor, tuned to
peak performance and cranking out thru a megagigawatt, 3D, multi-usual
Krakatoa Banana Blaster, these monkeys spend alot of time diddlin with their
gadgets and tweaking their way up the wall.
And, we got MacGyver Monkeys. Riding systems that time forgot with nothing
more than a handful of Froot Loops and a pile of bat guano they use every
trick in the book, and plenty that ain't, to squirm their way heavenward.
Always heavy, uncovering obscure and hidden bananas, they invent their way
along using every micro-ounce of every banana that they manage to ensnare,
even to the point of using the peels for clothing and shelter.
Advancing their altitudinous aspirations, AW Monkeys invariably encounter
the various denizens of the virtual Jungle.
Most encounter the Hurler Monkey first. Kinda like chimps, these sociable
chaps gather in large communal halls, spending their time practicing monkey
yells and poking each other in the navel. Once in awhile they venture out
for a climb but are much happier chillin with heir mates on the middle
floors, flingin monkey turds and grinnin at all that pass by.
Out on the wall a common first encounter is with a Sumo Monkey. these are
the veteran Hungry Monkeys. Thet've been there twice, done that backwards.
All the nonessential flotsam has been skimmed and the essence of the climb
congealed to a Zen like "See monkey, knock monkey down" philosophy. When ya
hear "Monkey X took my 'nana 16 times in a row one day", Monkey X is most
likely a Sumo.
No avoiding it, eventually every climber crosses ledges with Tribal Monkeys.
wearing the skins of ded monkeys, gathering in private branches painted in
various warlike colors, they belch, fart, thump n headbutt their way around
looking for others to belch, fart, thump n headbutt with. An astute climber
can get a good belly full a slightly bruised 'nanas by finding an area where
2 or more groups of tribal monkeys have been thump n headbuttin.
Look way up there, see that fuzzy lil dot? That there's a Vulcher Monkey.
High above the crowd, with a 10K alt advantage on next week, they float.
Looking for the unsuspecting or hurtin climber, sporting k/ds over 8000 and
k/ss around .0125, their motto is - "where there's smoke... we fire! (but
only after the monkey that caused the smoke has been kilt first".
Legend has it that in the penthouses are the Wrinkled Monkeys. Rarely
climbing, (hey yer in the penthouse, why climb more?) they only venture out
under dark glasses. They have the rare and exotic 'nanas. Highly sought but
useless to but a few climbers that are twisted enough to understand their
full meaning, the Wrinks are content to live on past glory. They enjoy
tossing an occasional 'nana out the window just to see how many climbers
fall off trying to grab it.
AND, of course, The Kong Monkeys. At the peak of prosperity, clinging to the
radio tower, chest pounding, Fay grabbin, teeth gnashing, flicking planes
away as tho they were insects, we find the Kngs. Keelin, scorin, the anchors
of their respective tribal units, when a climber see a Kong Monkey on the
wall he heads for another country. Whole tribal units have been de-'nana-ed
by single Kong Monkeys. Just when Joe Avg Monkey thinks he's seen
everything, along comes a Kong Monkey and gives that girl a twirl and makes
her whole wurl swirl. Clashes between Kongs can sometimes alter the entire
shape of the wall, cause the climb to take a whole nuther direction, provide
lotsa ammo for the Hurlers...
Leona and Harry Kesmai proudly announce the opening of the New Real Building
at 870;2 Arena 4.
The 'Nanas are fresher and sweeter and as of now there aren't many Kongs to
keep you from those Hooter laden Fays.
Fast Monkeys can get a preview of every nook and cranny. Scrappy Monkeys can
test there mettle on a bigger, steeper wall. Hungry Monkeys? Mo 'nanas, nuf
said. Hey Techno Monkeys git out your tweakers, plenty mo stuff to
calculate. The MacGyver's been over there already, gatherin trnkets.
Tis a regular simian shower over 870 as monkeys of all sizes leap off and
make thier way crosstown.
NOW FIGHT LIKE APES!
Ho-Thar of Atlantis
http://www.33rd.org/hq/monkeys.html
