Hairball's rules. (Hangtime, this is fur u)

[Swoop]

My Girlfriend found these but was too shy to post.


THE RULES!
 
BATHROOMS:
 Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS:
 Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particulary important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
 If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you can't manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering".

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.

4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.

6. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and lay in humans lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help in their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTERBOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you come out the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible get close to a human, especially in their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests.


 

[Dune]

I got these from AGW a long time ago.

Note, all of these is why I'm a dog person.    

 

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

No people, you need to approach this efficiantly lest you be truely surprised by what a sufficiently motivated feline can do to anything short of Maximillian Plate.  Read on if you wish an edumacation.....

Cat Bathing as A Martial Art
   
Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

       
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
       
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

       
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A simple
shower curtain will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

       
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls
tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

       
Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

       
Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product
testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

       
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.

In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.  That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[ 07-13-2001: Message edited by: Dune ]

[milnko]

Never mind the cutesy stuff posted above Hairball, I know a good website for ya that's got what ya want;

 http://www.livenudecats.com

[Nifty]

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you can't manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.

Damn cat has this one down 100%.  I brought the rug in, and he had puked on it within a day.  Bastard doesn't even give warning meows now, just gets right down to it!

[JimBear]

The spirit of Fat Freddies cat lives on in all of them