Why I hate IT people:

[AKDejaVu]

Monday
8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14am User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing Drive 0. Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend!
11:34am Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00pm Lunch 3:30pm Return from lunch.
3:55pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping. 4:23pm Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday
8:30am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00am Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database! I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35pm Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00am Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's Reengineering for Customer Partnership I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07am Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05pm Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod -- Fire!
1:15pm Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20pm Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for Notice Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00pm Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30am Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00am Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00am Lunch.
4:55pm Return from lunch.
5:00pm Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00am New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him Server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?! 11:00am Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift. Marvin doubts. I point to Corporate Policy database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers! I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02am Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications.
9:30am Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00am E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25am Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to get good help... I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. No problem!
11:30am Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.
12:00am Lunch.
1:00pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30pm Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39pm New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT- DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50pm Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00pm Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to 2 in help databases.
4:30pm User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

[Mickey1992]

That is hilarious!!  Of course, I AM an old help desk monkey turned Notes programmer.  

Those not familiar with Notes are prolly scratching their heads.

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Mickey
3./JG2 "BigJoe's Bastards"

[Zippatuh]

ROFL

I worked in a 24/7 control center some years ago on graves.  A buddy that I worked with one night got a call from customer service.

“Hey, I can’t seem to be able to print anything”, they say.

“What color is your mouse ball?”, my co-worker responds.

“What?”

“Lift you mouse up and tell me the color of the ball.”

“It’s black”

“Well then there’s your problem.  You see only white mouse balls will allow you to print.  Put a trouble ticket in for the day shift to look closer at it”, he then hung up.

Will never forget it.

Zippatuh

[Soulyss]

LOL


bored at work are we?

 

[Sturm]

DJ, all I have to say is, if ya ever worked tech support before this is So Fuggin hilarious.  The funny part is a lot of it is true.  Took up a second job while in USAF for a local ISP.  All of us were air force and we had a riot met about 200 chicks on icq, found out why you dont reboot the port master, never accept files from people you don't know thru icq "led to 2 hour downtime".  Phonecalls are the best.  Solve their problems wait for them to come back online and repeatdly boot them offline, especially after they tell ya they are trying to download this huge file.  Thank you for making my day better with this, rest of the geeks at work will love this.  

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Sturm6 StaffelKapitän
JV44 Platzschutzstaffel
Airfield Defense Squadron
"The soup nazi"

[Brat]

Why IT people hate YOU...

Guidelines to making the most of your IT department...
 
When IT says they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 100 network passwords.
 
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
 
When IT sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public groups.
 
When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect him or her to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
 
When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.
 
Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
 
When you call an IT engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he's on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one has ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
 
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
 
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don't use online help. Online help is for rutabagas.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

When you have an IT person fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when we are slightly dizzy.

Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

When an IT engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
 
When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
 
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
 
When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that only a professional engineer perform it with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call IT. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

When you bump into an IT person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.
 
If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
 
When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office.

[-ammo-]

Dejavu, sounds like a government job

[Sturm]

Ammo, you work for the gov to?

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Sturm6 StaffelKapitän
JV44 Platzschutzstaffel
Airfield Defense Squadron
"The soup nazi"

[AKSeaWulfe]

I work helpdesk/hardware for a government agency.

I have yet to understand why we give out "home PCs" that are 90mhz, 16MB of RAM, 1GB HDD and a 56K modem (the dial-up only accepts 19.2bps). 99.999999% of the time when we send one of those buckets o' crap out, we get it back the next day "It doesn't work". When the previous day it WAS working, AND we HAD the user THERE with US showing THEM that it DOES work and HOW to TURN IT ON and LOGIN. Then we get to go through the whole process again, only for them to tell us "Oh, is this going to take long... it's my lunch break." (typically it's OURS too)

Even better, on the weekends we have people call in to the helpdesk asking us to troubleshoot their PC they bought from the fuggin store. Either someone forgot to grow a brain when they were in the fetal stage or they were dropped repeatedly on their head when they were born.
-SW

[AKSeaWulfe]

And this reminds me of a time some lady calls one of my co-workers asking how to install this 3rd party software which has no relevance at all to anything she would ever need to work on since it was SHAREWARE software. (I work for the Federal Trade Commission) I spent 30 minutes trying to get the information out of her as to where she downloaded the damned thing to. Finally I just gave up and we SMSd her PC.
-SW

[Brat]

Try having them call your cellphone at 6 AM on a Sunday because they can't seem to get their modem to work from their hotel phone so they can send in their expense reports and have spending cash for the next weekend, and the helpdesk isn't answering the pager call and it's been a whole 10 minutes.

<---Network Administrator/IT Manager

[AKSeaWulfe]

I never give out my cellphone, pager or extension to anyone- not even my coworkers. I just tell them to call the helpdesk and for them to ask for one of the people there. I work as quickly as I can while I'm in there office and get the hell out of there before they ask for my name or try to make some rediculous small talk. "how would I get xxx to do yyyy?" kind of thing. I don't get paid to teach them software or to help them with software at home. If they get your name.. oh man it's all over right there. You'll get "special" phone calls every damned hour from these people for the smallest problem. "The network is slow" "Why do I get an error message 'proxy not accepting connections'?" Typical stuff that's answered on the intranets help page. To think, these people are in HIGH UP positions too! <shudder>
-SW

[Staga]

From my friend it took almost three days to crack admins password in his new job but I heard it was worth of it.
One of his most funniest jokes was a little proggie which sends a message to another workers computer thought he didn't remember to add somekind of "end" command to it so when he started it it begun to send a message in loops and whole companys network crashed.

[mrfish]

the little scooters are enough for me to hate em  

[AKDejaVu]

IT guys remind me of the "Comic book guy" from the Simpsons.

Around here, most of them just sit around and insult people until they get fired for looking at porn.

AKDejaVu