MEMORANDUM:
TO: Mr. Holden McGroin
FROM: Rollie 'Slick' Rolex
Public Relations Director
Snake Oil Corp.
RE: Shale oil
Dear Mr. McGroin,
Thank you for your enquiry regarding our corporate plans to develop the technology necessary to harvest enormous shale oil reserves available in the U.S.
I'm happy to report to you that we at Snake Oil Corp. are proud partners in the president's goal to rid ourselves of the hideous middle-east oil addiction by exploring and investing in technology to bring shale oil to market to better serve the American people. We believe developing this technology to be paramount to helping us achieve our corporate goal of bringing affordable and reliable energy to all Americans.
Our Board of Directors and shareholders are as excited and committed to this technology as you are. I'm delighted to report to you that we have penciled in a substantial target investment of $492.50 for each of the 3 years of our preliminary 2009-2011 budget. We've also included $38 to study the possibility of considering to think about talking about building a refinery.
We hope to see this investment blossom into a small, proof-of-concept article in Science magazine.
Unfortunately, our hands are tied by regulatory issues that we financed and secretively supported to give us a plausible excuse for not investing more. You see, Mr McGroin, money, not technology or regulatory roadblocks, is at issue.
From our perspective, war is cheaper. Why spend all that money ourselves on a technology that may not return anything for decades when we can spread the financial burden among all taxpayers, drive the price up anyway, keep oil flowing (at a high price) and not have to spend the money until we absolutely, positively have sucked every last drop of pumpable oil? There are still plenty of places left we can send our fine troops, or get others to do the fighting for us, to secure the oil that we deserve.
For heaven's sake. We've just gotten Iraq's oil (the 2nd largest reserve in the world) flowing at the trickle we need to keep prices high and profits at a new US record. And now you want us to make the ultimate sacrifice of spending some of the $10,000,000,000 profit from just the last 3 months of 2005 on investing in something that will benefit the nation? What are you, a socialist? Next, you'll be asking us to build refineries domestically to crack the oil?
Technology, techschmology... we'll pump out Iraq as we need it, then find some more pumpable stuff to get our hands on, somehow. What are we going to do with all of our ships, anyway?
Once again, thank you for your interest in our shale oil initiative and we look forward to seeing you at the pump.
Yours truly,
'Slick' Rolex
Snake Oil Corp.