And just like that, everything changes...

[Neubob]

Divorce.

Married for such a short time, and it crumbles into ruins before my eyes... Truth be told, it was pretty much hell from day one, but we had our hopes. Hopes that one day, like the weather, things would just change for the better.

Now, the person that was once the closest, dearest in my life, resorts to sending me evil emails and voice mails, and all I can do to keep up is respond with my own brand of hatred. Amazing how that works. I would have stood in front of a speeding truck for her just a little while back, now it seems, that nobody's ever hated me more than she.

How does this happen?

I married her because she was beautiful, smart, clever and, against all odds, understood me. Today, we exchange only the most horrendous insults imagineable, using the weaknesses we've learned about to make the words sting as much as humanly possible. She's 22, I'm 29. Yet we both feel old, tired... withered.

In the course of my life, I've lost close ones. The very woman that introduced us, perhaps my closest family member, passed on last august. Yet this horrible bitterness outclasses everything that came before it.

I still love her. Maybe even more than ever. But the anger and the hatred just won't stop.

[Sandman]

Once you've let the insult genie out of the bottle it's difficult to put it back.

My only advice is for your next attempt. Don't say anything hurtful just for the sake of being hurtful. You can't take those words back.

[NattyIced]

See Rule #2

[Arlo]

Aye, Sandie. I'm still in recovery mode from over two years back. And when there's kids ....

Nuebob .... good luck, man. Bout the best I can do without coming off trite.

[Sandman]

Originally posted by NattyIced
See Rule #2

Huh?

[Neubob]

Look, fellas. I did have a brief treist with Orlick. But that was just good fun....



Fact is, this isn't fun anymore, and as much as I hope I amuzed you back then, this isn't just more of the same.

I've long considered myself a man. Still, right now, I feel like a child. Hurt and weak. To boot, I've been hurt and weakened by a little girl, just 112 lbs, that's 7 years my junior.

Perhaps this is not the right place to discuss this. I fired my shrink a long time ago, however, and figured that normal humans would be the best to share this with.

The alcohol seems to help a little. then again, how long witll  that last??

The only thing I really wanted is some words from some of you guys that have gone through this before. It's my first.

[rpm]

Bah! Nothing gets you over the last one better than the next one!
Quit wallowing in the past and move forward. I've been married 3 times and that's best advice I can give you.

[Toad]

Take this or leave this but I read some of Wayne Dyer's books and it made a lot of sense to me. It has helped in overcoming some pretty large obstacles that appeared in the not too distant past.

For example, I think this quote applies to situations like yours:

Conflict cannot survive without your participation.

and this one:

The components of anxiety, stress, fear, and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do.

Sound pretty simplistic and it is. We are the ones who make our lives complicated.

Anyway, that's my .02. Dyer's approach helped me; I hope that it will help you.

[Nash]

^ truth.

[Neubob]

I understand all the philosophy, at least in theory.

Thing is, this is all pretty raw and fresh. Yes, it is true that I am probably at the center of all the problems. Nevertheless, I believe that within every human being, the ability to mourn is stored inside the same general region of the brain. When this region is being used, whether for the purpose of dealing with a dead cat or a dead mother(hope I don't offend), the region is used 100%. Right now, my region is occupied with a dead marriage. Yes, it seems trite and stupid to many of you guys, but it's all I have at the moment. It hurts like a bastard. It hurts like a bastard that just keeps and keeps on beating on me.

I respect you guys a ton, but, being only a day or so old, this whole concept is a bit hard to stomach. That is all.

And Toad, to take yor advice... I try to not participate. Problem is, it's just too easy to get sucked in again. Fresh memories, things like that. I'm weak, I suppose. But, at the same time, this will pass. I just hope that this will remain as a document so that in the future, similar mistakes will be avoided.

Again, I thank all you guys.

[Toad]

Originally posted by Neubob
It hurts like a bastard. It hurts like a bastard that just keeps and keeps on beating on me.

[/b]

Of course it does. However, it can only do so.... as long as you let it.

Remember "Time heals all wounds"? It does. However, the AMOUNT of time required depends on the individual.

I respect you guys a ton, but, being only a day or so old, this whole concept is a bit hard to stomach. That is all.

You can feel bad and beat yourself up and scream "why me" all you like.

I did. I suspect we all do sooner or later over something.

The turnaround comes when you finally say "Enough of this. I will seize the day and wring every drop of pleasure from it that I can. And I will do the same tomorrow. And tomorrow. And tomorrow."

Some folks, of course, never do that. I imagine they descend into an unending personal hell.

First, forgive yourself. May take a while.

Then realize that time is all you have and you're wasting it by wallowing in dispair/grief/guilt/whatever.

Here's another free one. It helped me too but you have to accept the hand it holds out to you.

Desiderata

The last part helped the most:

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

[J_A_B]

"I married her because she was beautiful, smart, clever and, against all odds, understood me."


I don't see "because we were great friends" in there.  

If it was "hell" from day 1, it's safe to assume it was probably bad before you signed the paperwork, in which case your mistake was getting married at all.  People make mistakes.  Smart people don't repeat their mistakes.  Be smart.

Don't send E-mails or return nasty phonecalls.  That stuff comes back to haunt you in court.



*ALL* couples argue.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.  If you want to maintain a relationship, you and your spouse MUST a) accept that arguments WILL happen, and b) be willing to let them happen and not hold a grudge.  If you let issues simmer, they'll just gradually consume the relationship.


J_A_B

[FiLtH]

She is too young. Dont marry any woman under 30.
20 is the new 9.

[J_A_B]

Heh FiLtH.  I knew my wifey when we were kids and she was like 20 when we finally made it official.

I would say don't marry someone you haven't known for a good while.


J_A_B

[FUNKED1]

http://nomarriage.com/