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>#2 Presdential Debate Summary
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>For those who don't have time to watch the
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>presidential debate Wednesday night, I've prepared
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>this transcript of what will be said:
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>Jim Lehrer:
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>Welcome to the second presidential debate between
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>Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush.
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>The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will
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>ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
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>question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to
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>appeal to undecided women voters.
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>The opponent will then have one minute to respond
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>by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting
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>for him. When a speaker's time has expired,
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>I will whimper softly while he continues to spew
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>incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
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>Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
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>you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and
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>then tell us his or her story in a way that strains
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>the bounds of common sense?
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>Gore:
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>As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
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>tenderly made love the way we have so often during
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>the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
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>downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.
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>My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1
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>percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to
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>put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so
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>they can't hurt old people like Roberta
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>Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.
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>Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal
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>organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can
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>travel to these debates and personify problems for
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>me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
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>Lehrer:
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>Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
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>Bush:
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>Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging
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>people, crying with them, relieving suffering
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>anywhere a photo opportunity exists.
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>I want to empower those crying people to make their
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>own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is
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>not Barbara Bush.
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>Lehrer:
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>Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
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>Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return
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>to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
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>pronounce his name?
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>Bush:
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>The current administration had eight years to deal
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>with that guy and didn't get it done.
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>If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about
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>that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our
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>allies. And then Dick would present me several
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>options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick
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>would tell me which one to choose.
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>You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make
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>tough foreign policy decisions every day about how
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>we're going to deal with New Mexico.
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>Lehrer:
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>Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
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>Gore:
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>Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly
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>interested in.
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>I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who
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>was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself
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>lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when
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>that war was over, I came home and tenderly made
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>love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman
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>voter would find romantic.
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>If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I
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>pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat,
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>foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad
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>lockbox. Because the American people deserve a
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>president who can comfort them with simple
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>metaphors.
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>Lehrer:
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>Vice President Gore, how would you reform the
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>Social Security system?
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>Gore
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>: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman
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>and I have proposed changing the laws of
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>mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every
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>senior citizen without having it cost the federal
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>treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
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>In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over
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>the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior
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>citizens can have drugs delivered free to their
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>homes every Monday by a federal employee who will
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>also help them with the child-proof cap.
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>Lehrer:
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>Gov. Bush?
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>Bush:
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>That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of
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>Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add
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>up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
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>potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit
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>funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state
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>fairgrounds.
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>Lehrer:
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>It's time for closing statements.
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>Gore:
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>I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
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>politician, but I will fight for the working
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>families of America, in addition to turning the
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>White House into a lusty pit of marital love for
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>Tipper and me.
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>Bush:
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>It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past
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>by electing no one but Republicans.
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>Lehrer:
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>Good night.
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