Learn from no-nonsense mom of past..
The typical mother of 50 years ago, a very formidable woman, intimidated her children, they did not intimidate her.
She was not their servant, but rather their to teach them to stand on theri own two feet. If one of her children talked back, he or she regreted it. And if they had gotten carried away with theirselves and hit her, well, the first time would be the last.
Yesterdays mom had no problem at all defining her autonomy to her children. She had no reservations about saying to them things like:
"I don't have time for you right now, so run along"
"if you cant find something to do, I'll find something for you to do."
"leave me alone, I'm busy"
"No, I won't do that for you, because you can do it for yourself"
Todays mothers don't feel they have permission to say those things to their children, and if they do, if they slip up and say something as self esteem damaging as "i'll give you to the count of 5 to disappear and stay disappeared for the rest of the afternoon," they feel guilty. And then they apologize, saying things like "I am sorry, I'm just having a bad day." And then, to assuagethe guilt, they startacting like servants again.
Once her child was capable of using the toilet on his own (24 months) and knew to stay out of the street, yesterdays mom tried, on a daily basis, to have little to do with him as possible. To the contemporary ear, that may sound dreadful, but check it out with someone of my generation. We will tell you it wasnt that bad at all. In fact, it was down right wonderful to have a mom who wasnt busting about in your life all then time, who supervised you well but didnt want you inside on nice days (ie. not raining, temperature above zero). These were moms who left their children alone as well as they wanted their children to leave them alone.
The Outcome, mind you, was children who learned at reletively early ages to stand on their own two feet: fix their own snacks, to fight their own battles, to do their own homework, to entertain themselves, to study for tests on their own, to paddle their own canoes, to stew in their own juices, and last but not least, to accept responsibility for their own mistakes and failures.
Mom won, child won, Child's teacher won, community won, culture won. Not a bad deal if you ask me.
-John Rosemond 06/09/00
Writes a column for the Raliegh News and Observer.
