Russian:
so OUCH and I didn't manage to choke you in the "LLLLOOOOONNNNGGG..." thread huh?
so be it EAT THIS !!
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his
Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him
in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"
A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within
a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the
preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go,
mister, into the boat." "I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will
save me."
An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in.
The water is still rising." "No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my
salvation."
Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the
preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.
"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance." "I'm all right,"
says the preacher, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."
As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the
preacher is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.
"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a break, pal. I sent
three boats!"
Redneck medical dictionary:
>> > > >> >
Artery...........The study of paintings
Bacteria.........Back door to cafeteria
Barium...........What doctors do when
patients die
Cesarean Section..A neighborhood in
Rome
Catscan........Searching for kitty
Cauterize......Made eye contact with her
Colic..........A sheep dog
Coma...........A punctuation mark
D&C............Where Washington is
Dilate.........To live long
Enema..........Not a friend
Fester.........Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........A small lie
Genital........Non-Jewish person
G.I.Series.....World Series of Army
Hangnail.......To hang your coat on
Impotent.......Distinguished,well known
Labor Pain.....Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff...A doctors cane
Morbid.........A higher offer
Nitrates.......Cheaper than day rates
Node...........I knew it
Outpatient.....A person who has fainted
Pap Smear......A fatherhood test
Pelvis.........Second cousin to Elvis
Post operative....A letter carrier
Recovery room...Place to do upholstery
Rectum.......Dam near killed him
Secretion.....Hiding something
Seizure.......Roman emperor
Tablet........A small table
Terminal illness....Getting sick at the
airport
Tumor.....One plus one more
Urine......Opposite of you're out
Varicose.....Near by/close by
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On
her chest she has a huge red "H."
The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?"
She replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're
making love."
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes
off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks,
"How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?"
The girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his
school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're
making love."
The next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off
her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks,
"Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies,
"No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
Blonde, Little Johnny, Redneck, Sex Jokes and Cartoons:
http://www.free-sites.net/jokes/index.htm A guy answers the phone. It's the doctor. About your wife's blood test, he
says, due to an administrative error I'm not sure which sample is your
wife's. Depending on which is which, she's either got AIDS or a severe heart
condition.
So what can I do about it? says the guy.
Well, says the doctor, I recommend sending her on a ten-mile run.
If she comes back alive, don't f**k her.
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came
home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He
had an urge to stick his
noodle into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex
therapist to talk about it, but
Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that
something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
noodle into the pickle
slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
A small white man steps into an elevator. He goes up a floor, it stops
again.
In walks the biggest black man he has ever seen.
The black man looks at him, and says, "7', 350 pounds, 2 pound left nut, 2
pound right nut, Turner Brown," and sticks out his hand. The white man
promptly
faints.
About a minute later, he comes to. "Wh..what did you say?"
The black man looks at him, and says, "7', 350 pounds, 2 pound left nut, 2
pound right nut, Turner Brown."
"Oh my GOD, I thought you said 'Turn Around!'
A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback
riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of
control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With
her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head
continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow
down.
Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart
manager came out and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heroes.
A man walking down the street runs into a friend.
"Hi joe. Are you alright? You look terrible!"
"Yeh..but I feel great" says Joe.
He walks off towards his place of employ whereby the secretary greets him
with "You look terrible!"
"But I feel great" says Joe.
Concerned for his well being he decides to call on the local doctor to set
his mind at ease. Finally, he gets to see the doctor who starts the
conversation with what is now becoming too familiar.
"You look terrible" the doc says.
"That's just it, Doc" replies Joe, "I feel great. What is the problem?"
The doctor decides to consult his book of symptoms."Looks terrible....feels
great" he mutters. "Ah ha......I've found it!"
"You're a vagina!"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you
can go to the lab and get some work done."
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the
inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:
"What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each
other on the same track?"
Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the
manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the
next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and
use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A cannibal and his son are wandering through the desert and have not eaten
in
days.
They come upon an oasis and decide to camp in the bushes till someone
comes.
The next morning they awake to see a beautiful woman bathing in the
waterfall.
As the father watches the water cascade off her body, he is aware of his
son
at his side. The boy says " I'm hungry dad, lets eat." The father replies
"This specimen is too good too eat." The boy grumbles that they have not
eaten for days and he is really hungry. The father says he has a plan. The
boy is overjoyed that he will soon eat, so he asks what the plan is... The
father says" We sneak up to the edge of the clearing, and when she comes
out
of the water, we kidnap her, take her home and Eat Your Mother.
Women's guide to men's english:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any
different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person
and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!!!
A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he came
across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it into his
pocket, and went on his way.
A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside his
pocket,
"Help, Help"!
He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it back into his
pocket.
Again,
"Help, Help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and I'll
turn into a beautiful princess".
Again the man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it
back again.
Moments later,
"Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss me and
I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll do anything if you help me,
anything"!
The man simply took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it
back again!
The little green frog again screamed out
"Help, I'm the most beautiful princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do
anything, marry you, sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING!!"
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled and said
"I'm a computer programmer; I work too much so a girlfriend or wife is of
no use to me. But, a small talking green frog is cool."
An Arkansas hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.
He stopped a man on the street, saying to him "Here friend, take
a drink outta my jug."
The man protested, saying he never drank. The hillbilly leveled
his shotgun at the stranger and commanded "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed. "Gee!
that's awful stuff you've got there."
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now, you hold the gun
on me while I take a swig."
DIRTY MIND TEST:
1.) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the
same as intercourse?
2.) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only
two of?
3.) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six
inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so
much, they often blow it?
4.) What word starts with and f ends with uck?
5.) Name five words that are each four letters long, ends in
"unt." One of which is a word for a woman?
6.) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7.) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and
if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8.) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can
make a girl fat?
9.) What four letter word ends in i-t and is found on the
bottom of birdcages?
10.) What is it that all men have one of, is longer on some
men, the pope doesn't use his, and a man gives to his
wife after they are married?
Answers: 1.(talk) 2.(legs) 3.(a twenty dollar bill)
4.(firetruck) 5.(bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6.(pants) 7.(fork) 8.( Almond Joy candy bar)
9.(girt) 10.( Last Name)
A man pulls his car up alongside a boy walking down the footpath.
"I'll give you $10 if you hop in" he says.
"No!" replies the boy.
He drives slowly beside him for a bit before having another go.
"How about $20?"
"No! Go away!"
"Okay, what about $50?"
"Look, Dad. You bought the Volvo - You have to live with it!"
--
QUOTE OF THE DAY: "If the United States is
attacked, file this page in book III of FPM Supplement 990-1, in front
of part 771. Effective upon an attack on the united States and until
further notice: a, Part 771 is suspended."–from the Federal Personnel
Manual, Manual Supplement 990-3, Civil Service Commission.
(from Ross and Kathryn Petras in The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said,
Workman Publishing
Company, 1997)
Top ten Rejection Sayings Women Say To Men:
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred
banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic
geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've
ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the
whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm
seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of
Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if
you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and
unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
.....and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually
means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
It's that male perspective thing)
Top ten Rejection Sayings Men Say To Women:
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
.....and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually
means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're the ugliest person that has ever
existed on this planet.)
[This message has been edited by eazydweeb (edited 03-20-2000).]
