Military Jokes?

[Treize69]

The AirCav pilot as seen by:

Headquarters: An elitist salamander. A drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying bellybutton kicker with faded jungle fatigues, illegal mustache, a yellow neckerchief, a sword and a brown cowboy hat. "His high number of KBA’s helps us overlook the little indiscretions".

His Commander: A fine specimen of an elite, drunken, brawling, woman corrupting, hard flying butt kicker in a barely serviceable uniform, with a slightly marginal mustache, a nifty looking yellow Cav scarf, a dress saber, and a tan Cavaly hat. "All of those KBA’s are dandy and are direct reflections on me and enhances my career. I may make Major General"!

Himself: A stout hearted, handsome, highly trained professional killing machine. Suave and debonair (swavy & deboner), a true male God to all females, he wears jungle fatigues that were tailored downtown while he was "entertaining" at "Ci Ci’s Steam & Cream". He earned his grubby yellow scarf by drinking from D Troop’s special "cup" and can still smell some of the contents which stuck in his long droopy mustache. The saber is razor sharp and ready for that rare chance of a "Saber Kill". He wears the Silver-belly Tan Stetson that he paid 30 hard earned bucks for and waited three months for the mail to deliver. He’s proud to be in a unit like this even if they won’t let him get KBA’s at Christmas time.

His wife/girlfriend/rented companionship during R&R: A skinny, gross, crude, foul-mouthed bum with a hard-on who showed up drunk and with the clap. "He started peeling the uniform off at the airport, all but the nasty yellow rag around his neck and that mangy looking gray cowboy hat. What we won’t do for money or a trip to Hawaii. What the hell is a KBA?"

Department of the Army: An overpaid, over sexed, over-rated tax burden who is indispensable but expendable. He will volunteer to go anywhere as long as he can drink, brawl, corrupt women, fly and fight. He sings dirty party songs in the presence of VIPs, wears un-military looking uniforms, grows unauthorized facial hair, wears unauthorized neck accouterments, carries unauthorized edged weapons at inappropriate times and flaunts his unauthorized head gear. Hell, he doesn’t even wear the right color of unauthorized head gear. But… He gets results and KBA’s make good press.

[Treize69]

THE ANAL EQUINOX

 The Anal Equinox is a rare event that occurs when some helicopter pilots make ever tightening, successive, 360 degree turns. They actually cross the rectal event horizon and fly up their own alimentary canals.

 This phenomena was seen mainly among helicopter Scout pilots in Vietnam. Occasionally they could completely disappear for short periods of time. Cobra high bird crews can attest to this fact.

 WARNING!   Non-Scout type aviators must not attempt this maneuver without the supervision of an onboard, qualified instructor pilot.

 Some less skilled pilots attempting the maneuver only partially encountered the Equinox to their shoulders and suffered the dreaded Rectal/Cranial Inversion (RCI) and thus exacerbated the condition by depriving the brain of oxygen, usually resulting in catastrophic uncontrolled aircraft contact with the ground.

 The secrets of the Anal Equinox were never taught in flight school and are closely guarded by the Aero-Scout community. The uninitiated are unable to complete the process and are often doomed to repeat iterations of the RCI.

[Treize69]

[beau32]

For those of you who are/were a aircraft maintainer like me, you will understand all of this.


You Might Be a Maintainer If.... A tribute to the Maintainers!!!!


1.You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing
2.You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3.You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
4.You know what jet fuel tastes like.
5.You've ever used a grease pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6.You have a better benchstock in the pockets of your flightsuit than the
supply system.
7.You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
8.You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted
them black)
9.You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
10.You've ever been told to go get "some engine wash and a yard of
flightline."
11.You've ever worked a 14 hour shift on a aircraft that isn't flying the
next day.
12.You've ever said "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine
sir."
13.You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14.You talk to the aircraft.
15.You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16.You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
17.The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18.You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.
19.You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20.You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
21.You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"
22.You take it as a badge of honor to be just called " a Det Hound."
23.You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24.You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Maintainer.
25.You think everyone who isn't a Maintainer is a wimp....  
26.You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you
are wide awake.
27.You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
28.Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
29.Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30.Worn someone else's cover to chow.
31.All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off.  
32.Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid
rules.
33.You've ever had to defuel an aircraft an hour after refueling it.

[phatzo]

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

 

[JunkyII]

I think the Rangers in this community might like this, look for Marine seal at the end

Marines < Army Infantry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOKhwcWEYlw

[lowZX14]

The Army...



 


Semper Fi!

Ooohrahhhh 

[trigger2]

I'll just post what I did the last time this thread came around...

Two navy pilots were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "poop!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.
We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.
We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.
They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.
We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.
We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.
We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.
We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.
We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.
We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.
We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice.

******************************************************
Seeking Protection
 
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"


^^^^^
Wife-ack FTW!
 

[MachFly]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such and such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

 

[Bark0]

That runway one was Funny!

 

[TOMCAT21]

French Army

[AKKuya]

A group of Visigoths who were recently captured by the Roman Army.  They were met by the commander of the Roman POW camp.

He announced," Welcome to the best prison in the Empire!"  He said that with a wide smile adding," Once, you stay here, you'll never want to leave."

The prisoners had heard the horror stories of Roman prisons.  They didn't believe a word.

"Now, I know that the rumors you have heard are completely untrue.  There's no dark stinky cells we're going to put you in.  Each of you will have the most luxurious accomodations that our glorious Emperor has to offer.  We respect all our adversaries and want them to feel at home."

The prisoners moods began to change from dark thoughts to a more lighter tone.  The commander began to give them a tour of the prison.  Large rooms with no bars.  Soft beds with feathered pillows.  Gardens of flowers and statues dotted the prison.  The prisoners started to think that being captured was the best thing to happen to them.

The commander went on with his speech," We, Romans, pride ourselves on appreciating the things in life with beauty.  Tomorrow on Monday, the finest artists, sculpturers, and poets will be here to expand our knowlegde of the world around us.  We'll have many discussion groups to ponder the mysteries of life."

The prisoners were becoming very interested in the commander's speech.  Smiles began to spread across the faces.

Knowing that he had thier attention, the commander kept on," We, Romans, know that being men requires a certain softer touch in life.  So, on Wednesdays, we bring the most beautiful women in the far reaches of the Empire to the prison.  That day, we can enjoy the fruits they have to offer us.  Lovemaking will be in the air!"

Now the assembled prisoners were just drooling at that piece of information.  The commander had thier complete attention.

He asked," Do you want to hear more?" 

The prisoners went wild.  They shouted for more.

The commander asked," Do you enjoy fighting everyman in gladitorial combat to the death until one man stands victorious over all the others?"

All at once the mood of the prisoners fell to the ground.

The commander put a frown on his face," Then I'll take that you're not going to like Fridays." 

[TonyJoey]

A group of Visigoths who were recently captured by the Roman Army.  They were met by the commander of the Roman POW camp.

He announced," Welcome to the best prison in the Empire!"  He said that with a wide smile adding," Once, you stay here, you'll never want to leave."

The prisoners had heard the horror stories of Roman prisons.  They didn't believe a word.

"Now, I know that the rumors you have heard are completely untrue.  There's no dark stinky cells we're going to put you in.  Each of you will have the most luxurious accomodations that our glorious Emperor has to offer.  We respect all our adversaries and want them to feel at home."

The prisoners moods began to change from dark thoughts to a more lighter tone.  The commander began to give them a tour of the prison.  Large rooms with no bars.  Soft beds with feathered pillows.  Gardens of flowers and statues dotted the prison.  The prisoners started to think that being captured was the best thing to happen to them.

The commander went on with his speech," We, Romans, pride ourselves on appreciating the things in life with beauty.  Tomorrow on Monday, the finest artists, sculpturers, and poets will be here to expand our knowlegde of the world around us.  We'll have many discussion groups to ponder the mysteries of life."

The prisoners were becoming very interested in the commander's speech.  Smiles began to spread across the faces.

Knowing that he had thier attention, the commander kept on," We, Romans, know that being men requires a certain softer touch in life.  So, on Wednesdays, we bring the most beautiful women in the far reaches of the Empire to the prison.  That day, we can enjoy the fruits they have to offer us.  Lovemaking will be in the air!"

Now the assembled prisoners were just drooling at that piece of information.  The commander had thier complete attention.

He asked," Do you want to hear more?" 

The prisoners went wild.  They shouted for more.

The commander asked," Do you enjoy fighting everyman in gladitorial combat to the death until one man stands victorious over all the others?"

All at once the mood of the prisoners fell to the ground.

The commander put a frown on his face," Then I'll take that you're not going to like Fridays." 

[Enker]

Anyone know any good jokes?

I got the basic:

ARMY = Arent Ready for Marines Yet.
MARINE = My A$s Rides In Navy Equipment

and that's about it.

I'd prefer some navy ones because my older brother goes to basic in November for the Navy, and I gotta give him hell because our family is primarily Army, and I plan to be a Marine.

Only one I got is:

What do you call a boat full of gay men? The Navy!

Tell him that the Navy are all just wusses who eat real food and get to do Spring Cleaning every week or so.

[vonKrimm]

Right now... somewhere in the world... there is an Airforce Lt who's computer froze while playing solitaire saying to himself "I hate this &^%#% job."

and that was only the 1st day of my 25 years!