Aircraft Maintenance Check

[A8TOOL]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \

per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st

http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc

[bravoa8]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \

per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

these are real

[LLogann]

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

Translation-

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Couldn't find leak, evidence has been destroyed.

 

[A8TOOL]

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

Translation-

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Couldn't find leak, evidence has been destroyed.

 

Think it meant wiped off or cleaned, yours makes no sense.

[TonyJoey]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \

per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st

http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc

  That was hilarious.

[Letalis]

Most of the time you get: "Could not replicate" which translates into "I've wasted hours of my time thanks to you and got absolutely nothing fixed."

These are funny 

[Rino]

     Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF 

[Rino]

Most of the time you get: "Could not replicate" which translates into "I've wasted hours of my time thanks to you and got absolutely nothing fixed."

These are funny 

     The F4 jocks at Moody AFB would write up the radar or bomb nav computer
everytime they threw a bad bomb.  That resulted in a 60% CND or Could Not
Duplicate malfunction rate...all playing the game.

     Best writeups I ever got were "Radar does not work in O.F.F. mode" written
by a WSO with 4 years on the jet no less.  Also "Radar inop above 5,000 feet".
Yessir, I'll get my birdmen right on that trouble    Actually there was a
pressure switch on the antenna which would disable the dar to prevent
damaging the receiver if pressurization was lost, easy 2 minute solder job on
the wires usually fixed it.

[Ack-Ack]

     Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF 

IIRC, those are supposed to be maintenance records from the USAAF not a civilian airline.


ack-ack

[xxIENAxx]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \

per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Couple of other funny clips...cept for the 1st

http://www.esnips.com/doc/5318e60a-ac2c-4bef-88f0-47e687970cfd

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&oi=video_result&ct=res&cd=4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fvideo.google.com%2Fvideoplay%3Fdocid%3D-3040229363361336754&ei=LnwySqjoEY_wMpqH7f4J&usg=AFQjCNF2k6LH-aUVJMZWzugBIxb5Sl3Jog&sig2=k1Jt0YsNLoTUaedHJCUa4Q

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8ip5oGlMfU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=V43UkHSLYGE&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rn32oQyrDQc

[Tr1gg22]

 

[BaldEagl]

     Older than dirt, plus no one seems to notice that Quantas would not have a "targeting radar" or IFF 

Who cares?  They were funny!        

[stodd]

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet \

per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Nice find tools!

[beau32]

For those of you who are/were a aircraft maintainer like me, you will understand all of this.


You Might Be a Maintainer If.... A tribute to the Maintainers!!!!


1.You've ever slept on the concrete under a wing
2.You've ever said, "Oh yes sir, it's supposed to look like that."
3.You've ever sucked LOX to cure a hangover.
4.You know what jet fuel tastes like.
5.You've ever used a grease pencil to fix an overworn tire.
6.You have a better benchstock in the pockets of your flightsuit than the
supply system.
7.You've ever used a piece of safety wire as a toothpick.
8.You've ever had to say, "My boots are still black!" (or ever spray-painted
them black)
9.You refer to a pilot as a "control stick actuator."
10.You've ever been told to go get "some engine wash and a yard of
flightline."
11.You've ever worked a 14 hour shift on a aircraft that isn't flying the
next day.
12.You've ever said "as long as she starts every other try you'll be fine
sir."
13.You believe the aircraft has a soul.
14.You talk to the aircraft.
15.You've ever said, "That nav light burned out after launch."
16.You've ever used a wheel chock as a hammer.
17.The only thing you know about any city is where the good bars are.
18.You know more about your coworkers than you do about your own family.
19.You've ever looked for pictures of "your" aircraft in aviation books.
20.You can't figure out why maintenance officers exist.
21.You ever wished the pilot would just say, "Great aircraft!"
22.You take it as a badge of honor to be just called " a Det Hound."
23.You relieve yourself more often outdoors than indoors.
24.You can't comprehend why everyone doesn't want to be a Maintainer.
25.You think everyone who isn't a Maintainer is a wimp.... 
26.You can sleep anywhere, anytime, but as soon as the engines shut down you
are wide awake.
27.You've ever stood on wheel chocks to keep your feet dry.
28.Used dykes to trim a fingernail.
29.Wiped leaks immediately prior to crew show.
30.Worn someone else's cover to chow.
31.All you care about is the flying schedule and your days off. 
32.Wondered where they keep finding the idiots that keep making up stupid
rules.
33.You've ever had to defuel an aircraft an hour after refueling it.

[jollyFE]

Holy crap in my 11 years as a crew chief I did just about all those....too funny.

1985-1989 F-5E/F's
1989-1996  F-16 A/B/C/D blocks 10-52