I wrote another story ...critique please

[LYNX]

I've gotten into writing short stories.  This one, "The rise and fall of LYNX", is a blend of humour, fiction and fact (1,117 word).

Please have a read and let me know what you think of the story and the style.  I'm entering it in a very minor competition on a site with arty, literature geeks.....should be fun lol.  The brief was to have the main character make 3 mistakes.  If you see any mistakes with punctuation and grammar feel free to point em out.

I've used this link to save space here.

http://barronbourne.blog.com/

Thanks beforehand lads.
LYNX
Steve

[LYNX]

Anyone wanna  and  their  

  in advance

 

[texasmom]

That sounded painful, Lynx.  Wasn't the aerial maneuvers I expected to read about from the beginning.

I enjoyed reading it & look forward to more!

[Plawranc]

LOL, of all the epic moments us virtual aces have you chose falling down the stairs in spectacular fashion. I have done a similar thing myself, I have fallen down outdoor steps on a bluff and dugout some of my knee on the way down. The expletive in my case was "aahhhhhhh FARK" followed by ow, Shicze, Bugger, Dammit etc etc. 

[mechanic]

Very funny writing man! My favortie line had to be near the start 'shooting the ego out of each other' or another favorite 'Subconsciously humming the theme tune to the A-Team '  

Mistakenly, Lynx expected the banister to do its duty just like the stairs but everything turned into a cartoon style farce.  

how about:

Mistakenly, Lynx expected the banister to do its duty just like the stairs yet events displayed all the characteristics of an animated farce.

Simply because the word cartoon may be overused? Maybe not of course, I enjoyed the story so much it hardly makes a difference.  One thing that really made it enjoyable for me was that I was expecting at least half the story to describe the dogfighting, yet we are entertained by a much more amusing story and the dogfighting is left at the back of the mind. It encourages the reader to read on to find out about the game but of course we only see a brief passage displaying the result, which satisfies the urge to find out about the introduction subject very well.

Oh, i loved the 'oh ya bugger, oh ya bugger' line also. This is exactly what I do when i hurt myself stupidly!
Let us know how you get on in the comp. Definitely worth the read mate.
  

[LYNX]

texasmom

Thanks for taking the time to read me short tale.  Pain wise me bleedin shin hurt far worse but the cut tuck about a month to stop bleeding.  I worked, at the time, as a delivery driver.  I had 3 days off work but with all the lifting the deepest part, in the middle, kept splitting open.  Yer....stitches would have stopped that...oh well!  The scar, although wide, is as beautifully as the rest I have    At least it made a good tale and glad you enjoyed it.

Plawranc

Thanks for reading.  It seems my hook at the beginning worked.  Glad you liked it.

mechanic

Thanks for reading and I really appreciate the comments.  I did use some of your advice.  I changed this part-->
 
 "Mistakenly, Lynx expected the banister to do its duty, just like the stairs, but events took on the characteristics of an animated farce".

I thought it sounded posher than what I wrote and rolls onto the next sentence nice.  I also wondered if anyone would get the A-Team thing....glad it did.  I also hope the Douglas Adams-esk style writing was amusing although I couldn't carry it on all the way through the story.  Would have turned it into 3,000 words if I had have.  

As for the competition its just a site comp but the site is full of those arty farty types.  Think their Keats or Wordsworth or summut.  You know the types...where they describe a decaying house with over the top "flowery" writing and it's really a metaphor for growing old    Just the sort of bollocks I hate but hey!... if this gets a laugh I'll be pleased.  And I put the "ego" thing in just for us.  

I would really appreciate other readers comments....please   

P.S all.  I found a story from an old tank driver on that site.  I'll dig it out and post it in the week.

[Rich46yo]

Very good. You have a gift for prose Lynx.

When you can describe getting out of bed, taking a shart, making coffee, and climbing up the stairs...? and make it sound interesting? Then your on to something.

For a few years I wrote for some outdoors publications. My only regret was I quit.

Hang onto your writing, even if you dont make a dime from it. "Writing" keeps the spirit flying.

[LYNX]

Thanks for that Rich46yo.  It's only recently I've had a go at writing although 11 years ago its why I got a PC. Doubt if anything megga will come of it but I'm finding it interesting/fun right now.

Although I didn't follow the cereal theme all the way through the story, I wonder if that distracted the ending?

[mechanic]

bump.


events 'took on' all the characteristics sounds much better than what either of us wrote the first time. Just rolls off the tounge much smoother if you read it out loud.

[LYNX]

I'm trying to fine tune this tale.  If anyone could comment or make a suggestion I'd  most grateful.

[Phantomz]

lol great story man made me chuckle.

[LYNX]

mechanic

Yer...I thinks so too.  Thanks for that.

Phantomz

Cool... glad you enjoyed it.

[LYNX]

Double post...sorry

[LYNX]

Triple post...sorry sorry

If only I could repeat as quick in bed  

[mechanic]

hehehe, just get the misses to have some 'connection problems', might help. (actualy i have no idea what i mean by that, but its a good bump anyhow)