The "official" AH Onion board

[DmonSlyr]

This just in!

New reports from authorities have claimed rubber bullets have now plagued the market. Pilots suggest that their 50cals just quite haven't had the same punch as they have witnessed in the passed. An eye opening investigation has reported that manufacturers switched to using rubber bullets to save cost and did not report this change of materials to the military. In regards, the CEO stated "we appoligize, we did not think this would have a substantial change to the impact of the damage on planes. This problem will be addressed immediately." Country officials are looking further into this investigation to make sure actions like this never happen again. Back to you Kurt.

[bustr]

And in an ongoing under cover investigative report.........

Due to constant after action reports by pilots firing the MK108 cannon of hits with no damage. This news station covertly imbedded a reporter in the 30mm ammunition factory supplying all MK108 ammo to the Aces High arena fronts.

The as of yet unnamed reporter, eventually gaining a position in the division that fills the actual explosive round with it's compounds, observed the following while hiding under a work bench during the noon lunch break.

Unidentified men in bomber crew uniforms were coming up through the floor sewer grates as soon as the last employee left the room. Each had a bag loaded with finished 30mm explosive rounds that they traded with the ones from the finished product bin for the room.

The reporter at great risk to himself retrieved one of these traded rounds so it could be analyzed. Externally and by weight it exactly copied the real rounds. But, there were significant differences. The explosive round casing was made from aluminum beer can stock with a thicker copper drive band. The nose fuse was molded resin with a contact tip. And the analysis of the explosive content was 50% ground used tampon and metal-oxidant mix of magnesium and oxidizer of ammonium perchlorate.

Unfortunately the brave reporter was found later in a ditch unconscious laying on his face with his pants pulled down. The following gang sign tattooed onto his bare cheeks.

     (999 )!( 000)

 

[waystin2]

This story was just handed to the news desk...

Today Hitech Creations under mounting customer pressure has admitted that dot radar and dar radar can be used to track other players movements.  This admission has led to accusations of stalking by some players....


More at 11.

[Wiley]

This story was just handed to the news desk...

Today Hitech Creations under mounting customer pressure has admitted that dot radar and dar radar can be used to track other players movements.  This admission has led to accusations of stalking by some players....


More at 11.

    Simple, yet brilliant.

Also, bustr,  just for the artist's depiction of the tattoo alone.

Wiley.

[Chilli]

This week's Monday Night At The Movies, "A Bridge Too Far"  A historical telling of the failed attempt to capture several vehicle bases on a road to winning the map in Aces High, in a campaign called Operation Who Launched the Bombers From The Hangar With No Drones.


Director: Richard Atthemaproom

Writers: Cornelius Flyan (book), William Oldman (screenplay)

Starring: Seano Connery, Whinning O'neal

With award winning cast:

See 'em Vroom   ... 
Underground Leader 
 
Josephine Pepprr   ... 
Cafe Waitress
 
Seano Connery   ... 
Major General Urquhart
 
Whinning O'Neal   ... 
Brigadier General Gavin
 
Gene Hackerman   ... 
Major General Sosabowski
 
Jeremy Spawn Kemper   ... 
R.A.F. Briefing Officer
 
Donald Pickering   ... 
Lieutenant Colonel Mackenzie
 
Stephen Moore   ... 
Major Base Steele
 
Edward SFox   ... 
Lieutenant General Horrocks
 
James Con   ... 
Staff Sergeant Dohun
 
Gerald Sim   ... 
Colonel "Flight" Sims
 
Gnorm Gregory   ... 
Private Morgan

Maximilian Shell   ... 
Lieutenant General Bittrich
 
Incoming Shell   ... 
Son of Bittrich
   
Elliott Gould   ... 
Colonel Guiness Stout
 
Fred Williams   ... 
Captain "ChiLLi"
 
John Tater Peel   ... 
German Lieutenant
 
Ben Cross   ... 
Spiez
 
Ben Down   ... 
Sergeant Towns
 

[Slate]

     This just in......

     New Video has just surfaced showing HiTech in a compromising position. Concerned Fighter jocks from across the globe have demanded an explanation. Mean while those closer to earth have applauded his willingness to go the other way.

        Exclusive only on AH Onion News: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0pWUf8BE-Y

[Biggamer]

  best thread in a long time

[Ratsy]

Shocking News from Austin, Texas.

Certain rogue representatives (from Arlington) are considering legislation to legalize same-sex marriages between consenting trolls.
Confronted with reporter's questions this afternoon, one legislator quipped, "have you ever seen a Troll's private parts?  Then there you have it."

More to come as the state's gubernatorial elections approach.  Meanwhile, trolls all over the country rejoice.
 

[JimmyC]

 

[MrGeezer]

And today's traffic report is brought to you by the good folks at Mirelax.  When you have to go, and do not want it slow, then a spoonful or Mirelax will clear the path.

And that is it for the traffic.....

Good Lawd Skuzzy.....I thought you were SOUTHERN....where's the "Black Draught"?


This Just In..................No one is volunteering to pull Skuzzy's finger.

[Zerstorer]

This Just In..................No one is volunteering to pull Skuzzy's finger.

Well thank the stars for that....

Wait...HiTech...don't do it.  GET AWAY FROM THAT FING...

[Dragon Tamer]

A surprising new study shows that knights do in fact capture bases. Apparently the cause for this strange phenomenon is booze, yes booze. Seven out of ten knights admitted that they aggressively work towards expanding their front line real estate when their supplies of booze run low in the O'club.

One such person said: "Look, it's only 5 o'clock and I'm out of beer. We don't have any at this base but those guys have some at their base. I need that beer to play, it helps soften the blow of the wife ack."

More at 11.

[Dragon Tamer]

pancake mix

 

You ain't got no pancake mix!

[1MADDOG1]

This just in, from the desk of Skuzzy:

[Babalonian]

Wow, you guys need help.