whatever you wanna call it...
when I found AH I never expected to care or like the other players, only came here for one thing, to kill the players and not go back to prison...as it turns out I have become friends with a few of ya....and have a lot of respect for many...
what I am about to say it very personal....I don't want any sympathy or pity....maybe just some understanding, and some support.....
and If I dont let it out I may well slit my own throat.(I wont but I certainly want to)
after I rage quit my life went straight down hill fast....that was just a symptom of my life...it was all ready going down fast....
the rage that boils inside of my heart...as many of you know, I started doing jail time at 11 years old....
was kidnapped and held against my will, no one came looking for me...I escaped on my own....
was brutally beaten by my dad...and mentally abused by my step mother...at a very young age...
when I met my wife I was 22 and had just gotten out of prison...to say I was an angry hate filled person is a huge understatement....I hated.... my heart was filled with nothing but anger and hatred...for everyone and especially for God...
I collected for a drug dealer and was truly a monster...
fast forward to seeing my daughter being born, and feeling Love for the first time in my life since my brother died when I was 10.....
I didn't treat my wife like a normal person should have...I was a tattooist and no one else around could touch my work, I had woman throwing themselves at me...even me and the wife started by trading sex for tattoo's ...I was basically a rock star, the bad boy that all woman seem to find so attractive...
trying to overcome the anger that was in me was a daily struggle, I never went to counseling or anything like that, it was my kids and my wife's love that saved me over and over....
I am ashamed to say.... I cheated on my wife with many woman, over the years, see before we got married I would tell her "going to get laid be back later" but once we got married it was all suppose to stop...and it didn't...I couldn't stop...and I didn't realize but each time I did I killed a little bit of my wifes heart...
then comes some of the most terrible news I have ever gotten...
not sure if you remember but I was flying for a long time as JETSOM and my "brother" was "FLOTSOM"
ya...well we get kicked out of where we are living and have to separate the family, so I move to my brothers place my real brothers not flotsoms...then I hear the my "brother" flotsom...kevin is sending texts messages to my then 13 year old daughter....so I freak out..I make a staus on FB something like..."what do you do when you find a snake in the hen house....crush its head" so I go to where my wife and daughetr are staying, at our oldest daughters house, and then I read a text message from one of our other daughters...saying to my wife"you didnt do what I think you did...how could you"
so of course now I am really freaking out and confront my wife about it...she tells.......................m e that kevin...flotsom...has been molesting our daughter since she was 12...and she had known about it for the last year......he started to manipulate her, and talk trash about me...saying how I only cared about the game aces High...and didnt love her...I mean all kinds of crap....her young mind was so easily manipulated....at this point she is 19 and thinks they had a "relationship" he was 40...and she was 12.....I grab my sword and I am going to kill him...but my wife and kids stop me...I am so beyond I dont know what, no words man...can describe it....
now I actually thought that he was her biological dad, thanks to my PTSD, and the fact that out of 6 kids...she was the only one that didnt look just like me.... I thought that he and my wife did it and she was his....so when they started to hang out I stepped aside and let them be....never imagining the truth....so I call the cops and they wont do anything because she wont say he abused her...at this point I am just lost and confused and so beyond anything I have ever felt...
wait it gets worse....
a month later we get a call that our oldest son is in the hospital....and that he is dying...is brain swelled from meningitis up and they had to put a hole in his skull to relieve the pressure....he is on life support and probably wont make it...come to find out he has what is called an "encephalocele" most babies it is spotted in the womb and is fixable...his wasn't because the hole was in his nasal area...I always knew something was wrong...he alaways had a leaky nose and drs just said allergies...I thought spinal fluid....well thats exactly what it was...he had no other symptoms of a spinal fluid leak...no dizziness...no equilibrium issues...nothing just a leaky nose....
well the swelling goes down and he gets "better" pretty quickly, so Dartmouth sends him home....
for thanksgiven...while he is out he is on meds to fight the meningitis...well 5 days later he wakes up and he has a sever headache, we immediately rush him to the hospital, he is in so much pain... the hospital down cant do anything so they rush him to Dartmouth again....well the meningitis never went away and only got worse...he also caught a bad lung infection, his lungs started to fill with fluid and he was drowning on his bed...he was intabated (breathing tube) again and on life support....his lungs kept filling up, and it wouldnt get better....
here is my boy...dying in front of me and I cant do anything to stop it....the hospital gave him drugs I told them not to....i flipped and they called security on me....they overdosed him with haldol....and he went into a full body spasm for 2 days and couldnt move at all...he was frozen like that....imagine a muscle cramp that tightens right up....his whole body was like that......he woke up like that...he would look me in the eyes and you could see his fear he was scared...he was terrified....and so was I....true fear unlike anything I have ever experienced.....I mean slept on the streets kidnapped faced lifers in prison...countless times I faced death and never wavered stood and faced it..... even when a truck threatened to run me down....I never wavered...... .i was by his bed side the whole time...and he trying to fight...but it is just getting worse....so they tell me and the wife...he is dying and is not going to make it unless they put him on what is called ECMO....it is a machine that oxygenates the blood because his lungs stopped working and if they dont he will die...and even if they do, his chances of surviving are slim......so they put him on ECMO within minutes of me saying yes he is being taking away and put on ECMO....he has to have a nurse by his bed 24/7 the Catheter going into his jugular and coming out of his femoral artery are the size of a fuel line in a truck...he is now in a medical induced coma.....for 4 and a half months he was at that hospital..I was with him everyday, except for just 4 days I think I went home.....I cant even begin to explain the feelings...the pain...the hopelessness of it all....never in my life have I felt so lost....absolutely terrified....after a week he is actually improving and he comes off the ECMO....when this all started he was 250lbs...he is now 160....and is so weak...but his eyes are open and he sees me, he slowly gets better, and they take out the breathing tube I think a week later, it aint over yet though, he has a long recovery and will have to go to rehabilitation, but we are hopeful for the first time....
the very messed up part...is right at the beginning....when he was first brought to the hospital....I heard in my head..."I am not going to take your son".....
call me crazy or whatever...but I heard him....and yet I still lost faith.....
now fast forward over a year later and my Son is doing amazing...he gained all his weight back...and then some...he is working full time...no adverse effects from the ECMO...they never told me he could become mentally retarded, from it...due to not enough oxygen getting to his brain...
he really truly is a walking Miracle.....
and now...my wife is angry at me...and wont let go of the past....she forced me to leave the house and move away from the younger kids....so she can "heal"....
I have been with my kids for over 24 years every day.... and to have them ripped from me like this is so wrong....I know I broke her heart but for the last 10 years I have not cheated on her....and tried to show her I Love her...but her anger was in the way...
I decided about, I dont know close to 4 years ago to try to make games....I heard Microsoft bought the game minecraft for 2.5 billion dollars....what woah im in the wrong business...so I started to teach myself to write code....and animate...all the stuff needed to make games...
and of course there is no money in that...and I haven't made much except the tattoo here and there....mind you for our first 18 years I was the only one that worked, and never asked her or got mad at her for not working...
after 3 plus years I have accomplished what I have set out to do, through all of that what I just wrote about....and more.... I did it...
me.... a hi school drop out....a "loser" in most of the worlds eyes....an Xconvict....from the streets... I have tried so hard to do the right thing...the only person who can say I have lied to them is my wife...and thats it....I do not steal...or lie. I try to do what is right, and speak truth even if it means I do not like the results or I am in a bad light.....
I did it.....and no matter what happens to me....no one can say I did not try.... no one can say that I am no good....
or that I am heartless....or that I am a failure....well they can say whatever they wish....but simple fact is...I did it.
if you are still reading this...thanx for listening...and if you would really like to show support, I could use it....please download my game "Dragon vs Aliens" it is .99 cents on google play, every download helps.....and if you are into dinosaurs, you should check out my game on ITCHI and Gamejolt....called "Eat Humans" its actually pretty cool...early Alpha still(update should be out soonish...I got all the code done to carry prey around and ability to rip caveman in half, just need to finish up some work on the levels...and enemy spawners).if anyone wants a link to them send a PM and ill give it to ya....id post em here but....thats not really what this is about....i have to vent...had to...I do feel better for getting it out and just expressing my heart....
Id really like to show my wife that it hasn't all been in vain....I want to sweep her off her feet again.... I Love her more then I ever new....she is my reason for breathing....
again, thanx for listening....maybe you wont be so harsh when you think of me.
Paul
