Drivers Licenses applications for Californians

[Ripsnort]

New California License Plate Motto:
"By age 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than  Your Honda"[/i]

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application

                                             Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

                                             Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

                                             Sex:  ___male  ___female  ___formerly male
                                                   ___formerly female  ___both
                                                   
                                            If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

                                             Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
                                             operate a motor vehicle in any way?   Yes___ No ___

                                             
                                            Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
                                             (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)

                                             
                                            Please check hair color:
                                             Females:   [ ] Blonde  [ ] Platinum Blonde
                                             Teenagers: [ ] Purple  [ ] Blue  [ ] Skinhead

                                             
                                            Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
                                             Check all that apply)
                                             [ ] Eating
                                             [ ] Applying make-up
                                             [ ] Talking on the phone
                                             [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
                                             [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
                                             [ ] Tanning
                                             [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
                                             [ ] Watching TV
                                             [ ] Reading Variety magazine
                                             [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

                                             
                                            Please indicate how many times
                                             a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
                                             b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____

                                             
                                            Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

                                             
                                            Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
                                             a) Prozac
                                             b) Zovirax
                                             c) Lithium
                                             d) Zanax
                                             e) Valium
                                             If none, please explain: _____________________________ __

                                             
                                            What is the length of your daily commute?
                                             a) 1 hour
                                             b) 2 hours
                                             c) 3 hours
                                             d) 4 hours or more


                                            TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):

                                             If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
                                             a) Call the police to report the crime
                                             b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
                                                car on TV in a high-speed chase
                                             c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
                                                phone company for your 911 call not going through
                                             d) Call your therapist
                                             e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

                                             
                                            In the event of an earthquake, you should:
                                             a) Stop your car
                                             b) Keep driving and hope for the best
                                             c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
                                             d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

                                            In the event of rain, you should:
                                             a) Never drive over 5 MPH
                                             b) Drive twice as fast as usual
                                             c) You're not sure what "rain" is

                                            When stopped by police, you should:
                                             a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
                                             b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
                                             c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
                                                ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

                                            Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
                                             virtual window on your left.

[Soulyss]

This would be really amusing if there weren't those days when I would swear it was all true........

[Sikboy]

Try driving in Md. Holy crap these people suck.

-Sikboy

[Animal]

Strange Ive been hearing all these things about California drivers, but last month in Hollywood I only found that most drivers there are very polite, and as a pedestrian the drivers always stop to let you cross.
I was shocked.

[funkedup]

Animal I concur, at least in cities.  I have driven all across the country and back, and CA drivers in cities are pretty good.  They can keep up a smooth 80+ mph flow on multi-lane highways with congestion that would have Midwest drivers braking and honking.

The one area they have trouble in is one or two lane highways.  When the cityfolk get out in the rural areas they seem to have trouble understanding how things are supposed to go.  E.g. fast cars on left, slow cars on right, change to left lane for breakdowns/stopped vehicles, wait your turn to get by slow trucks, etc etc.

And obviously most people in CA have little experience driving in bad weather, so they tend to screw the pooch when it rains or snows.

But as far as urban driving, they are pretty good.  Much better than in big cities in the midwest.  Places like Cleveland or Chicago, I've seen some stuff that I could not believe.  They manage to combine rudeness with low speed and low safety levels.  It's remarkable.  They are pretty good in bad weather, except for SUV/pickup/minivan tards who tend to flip over.

And of course Texas drivers are on another planet altogether.
"Sheeeyit Ah gotta git off this here highway to get to that thar BBQ shack!"
"Awww haill, thar ain't no exit.  Ah reckon ah'll just drahv 'cross this here grassy median strip right on to that thar frontage road!
Yee haww!!!!  Look out horny toads here I come"
*Sound of dueling banjos playing in background*

[midnight Target]

I have driven all across this here land and I have concluded that driving ability is directly proportional to the number of miles a person grows up west of the Atlantic.

I would rather be going 80 next to a CA driver than any other I've run across.
New England is just incredibly bad! I witnessed things in a one week stay that blew my mind!
30 cars running a stop sign.......in a row.
A car making a right turn into a bar parking lot.......from the left lane......into my Brother-in law's car.
People using the shoulder of the freeway as their own special lane......full speed!

[Elfenwolf]

What a crock of chit! To imply that we are weird because we live in California is a stereotype that comes with the territory of living in a State that has the 8th largest economy in the World and is the vacation destination of all those lily-white Washotians cruising in their Lincoln Town Cars down Interstate Five in the fast lane with the cruise control set at 50, right hand turn signal activated, backing up Volkswagen Buses pulling horse trailers, skin actually frying like cracklins in spite of the air conditioner on full blast, puking from the heat every time you have to stop at a rest stop to pee, on their way to By-God Disneyland to rub elbows and sweat with other slow sizzling tourists...and WE are weird?? Dude. you wear sock garters with bermuda shorts! YOU are weird!

[Sikboy]

I should go into more detail.

LA and New York have the best drivers I've ever seen. (Tokyo might be even better, but I didn't do any driving there myself, just riding in cabs).

In LA, as has been mentioned here, you can do 80 with 1 carlength between each car.  So long as everyone continues along with the flow of traffic, everythings cool. Everyone's happy. But this scares the crap out of the tourists, who seem to think that the left "Fast" lane is for doing the speed limit. What is interesting to me about LA drivers, is that lane integrity is sacred. You stay in your lane, I'll stay in mine, and well get along just fine. Yes sometimes people cut you off. But they go from one lane to the next spending as little time as possible inbetween the two.

NYC drivers are increadable too. But in a different way. Lanes? WTF are lanes? NYC is the only place in the world where I've seen three cars abreast all make the same lanechange at the same time. It was like formation driving. All three cars, next to each other, changed lanes to the left, with the left most car going onto the oncoming traffic lane. All to avoid a delivery truck that was blocking one of the lanes.

And yes, LA drivers have no idea what to do when it rains. They don't adjust there driving behavior at all for weather, and man, they hit each other.

-Sikboy

[funkedup]

What is interesting to me about LA drivers, is that lane integrity is sacred.

So true.  I guess the lack of lane discipline is what scares me in Cleveland or Milwaukee or Chicago.  Pick ONE whoopee lane PLEASE!  

[Sikboy]

Originally posted by Animal
I only found that most drivers there are very polite, and as a pedestrian the drivers always stop to let you cross.
I was shocked.

Three words for you:
Larry H. Parker

-Sikboy

(The LA folks might get the joke )

[midnight Target]

I have to agree with the weather observations. We suck when it rains. We suck even worse when it snows.
When I was in grade school we actually had 1-1/2 inches of snow! They closed the schools and sent everyone home! Nobody was listening to the teacher anyway. Snow in some parts of So. Cal is very rare.

My favorite is the local news "Storm Watch" reports.

"We are starting to see drizzle here in Malibu Dave, We advise all residents to STAY OFF THE ROADS. If you must drive expect severe spotting on your Beemer!"

[midnight Target]

"Larry H Parker got me 2.1 million"

Interesting how that number is so easily divided in thirds. hmmmmmmmm.

And you never see the "millionaire" below the chest. I keep wondering if his body is a mangled mess or something.

[TheHawk]

man, if you want to see crazy driving go to big cities in europe. they zip around in tiny fiats and peugeots seemingly defying all laws of the road. forget formation driving, its a free for all out there. then to add to the problem there are tons of ppl on scooters using any means to get where they want. i even saw ppl driving them on the side walk.

[Udie]

Originally posted by Sikboy

NYC drivers are increadable too. But in a different way. Lanes? WTF are lanes? NYC is the only place in the world where I've seen three cars abreast all make the same lanechange at the same time. It was like formation driving. All three cars, next to each other, changed lanes to the left, with the left most car going onto the oncoming traffic lane. All to avoid a delivery truck that was blocking one of the lanes.

-Sikboy


 This is the truest paragraph I have ever read here.  I've only spent a total of 2-3 hours in NYC.  I was visiting a friend in W. Caldwel NJ and we went into the city on Friday night.  We drove through the Lincoln tunnel, waay cool.  Then we just drove around the city for a few hours.  

 I have never seen such beautifly coriographed chaos and mayhem in my life. Everybody would stop at each light then when it turned green it was like the lane stripes disapeared.  The stuff I saw people doing there would get them shot here in Tx  but it all worked out so timely it was amazing.  I saw people turning left and right from middle lanes going between moving cars.   Just out of curiosity I honked his horn once, to see if the movies where right.  Sure enough everybody started honking and I had created some sort of NYC intersection rage that you could hear moving ahead and behind Tom's car.  He wasn't happy and told me not to do it again

 One sight I'll never forget was all the people walking on the sidewalks.  Well after we had been there about an hour it started pooring down rain, bigtime.   All the stores on the street open their doors within 5 seconds of each other and put out umberellas for sale.  From the looks of it, they made some good quick cash because of that rain!  Tom then explained to me the strangeness of large puddles of liquid in NYC when there's been no rain in months

 Here in Austin we have too man California transplants that don't know how to FREAKING DRIVE!!!!!!  The worst has to be the stupid yuppie biatches in their SUV's doing 35 in a 65 in the left hand lane talking on their cell phone:mad:

 I'm pretty simple.  The lane 200' ahead and 25' behind my  car belongs to ME.   Stay out of that buffer zone and you won't get called any names or be cut off.  If you do invade my no drive zone you better be going faster than me or you are in for a chase scene!

[moose]

I believe that Bonden will agree with me when I say we live in driving hell.

In the winter you deal with people who feel like they own our roads so going 35 in a 50 is seemingly allright.

Summer comes and the population of each town at least doubles. People from all over come and of course since they aren't familiar with the area 25 in a 55 is normal.

I get more frustrated driving then I do anything else. Not even MG is as bad.

I can't wait till I drive out the con this year. Open highways are heaven