Satire: NY Times Mobile Headline Lab Found in Iraqi Desert By David BurgeCNSNews.com Embedded Satire CorrespondentApril 15, 2003Ar Rutbah, Iraq (CNSNews.com) - Troops from the U.S. Army's 113th Mobile Pundit Reconnaissance Squadron Tuesday uncovered what appears to have been a secret New York Times headline facility in western Iraq. The cache, called "disturbing" by military commanders, was discovered in a vacant lot adjacent to a medical clinic during a routine patrol in Ar Rutbah, about 350 kilometers west of Baghdad, according to Army Lt. Col. Tim Wright, a Zeitgeist Specialist with the 113th."It was in a poorly camouflaged bunker," said Wright. "In addition to 30 large barrels of contingency headlines, we also found three sneer quote generators, artificial conclusion synthesizers, hysteria protection masks, and trace elements of Maureen Dowd's liver spot cream." Wright also said preliminary testing indicated that New York Times editor R.W. Apple and columnist Paul Krugman may have recently been in the area. "Our sanctimony and condescension detectors were definitely spiking," Wright said.While many of the initial findings must be verified by coalition Central Command in Doha, Qatar, military commanders Tuesday released a portion of the decrypted contents from several of the contingency headline containers, offering a glimpse into the publication's post-war strategy:Chaos Reigns as Looters Run Rampant in Iraq Brutality Criticized as US Troops Crack Down on Iraqi 'Looters' Ghostly Calm in Iraq as Soldiers Fight Homesickness, Boredom 'Cops: Baghdad' Scores Low in Nielsen Overnights Teenage Loiterers Plague New Baghdad Galleria Food Court Volatile Arab Street Seethes With Anger Seething Arab Street Angry, Volatile Fist Shaking Continues as Arab Street Explodes Into Volatile Seethingness Command officials in Doha said the container contents indicated the effort was designed to reach beyond Iraq's borders and extend to world capitals:Chirac: Rebuilding Effort Must Include Role for UN, France Chirac Demands Role for French Oil Companies Chirac Demands French Role in Iraq Banking System French ex-President Chirac Demands Free Egg Roll at Wok N GoExperts: Lack of WMD Evidence Shows U.S. Invasion Illegitimate Experts: Newly Found 'Weapon Labs' Likely ChemLawn Franchise Experts: No Link Between WMDs, Atomic Mutation of Blix Thousands Flee as Mothra, Gamera, Blix Battle in Stockholm US Faces Diplomatic Backlash over UN SnubDiplomatic Backlash Likely as NYPD Impounds de Villepin MercedesGrowing International Calls For Backlash as US Again 'Forgets' UN DuesUN Moves To Former Kmart in Passaic, NJ: Coming Diplomatic Backlash Seen Part of the strategy, according to military analysts who decrypted the seized contingency headlines, was to foment continued opposition to the war, which Wright noted was completed in less time than the 1993 Branch Davidian standoff in Waco, Texas:Thousands Protest in Paris as Iraq Occupation Continues Hundreds Protest in Berlin as Vandals Destroy Priceless Saddam Statues Dozens Protests in Montreal as Expos Move Franchise to Baghdad Martha Burke Protests Iraqi Open at All-Male Basra Country Club Iraqi Anger Rising at Shortages of Water, Food, ElectricityRoad Rage Unchecked as Freeway Construction Delays Plague Tikrit More Unrest Feared in Iraq As Cable TV Rates Hiked Imperialism Feared as Iraqis Chafe Under US Occupation Anarchy Feared as Iraqis Chafe at US WithdrawalChafing Feared as Iraqis Adopt Tight American Levis"We expected something along these lines, but nothing to the extent we've so far discovered," said Wright, who noted the newspaper's apparent targeting of the gulf between Iraqi and western mores:US-Style 'Democracy' Remains Pipe Dream in Iraq Iraqis Not Ready For US-Imposed Constitution, Warn ObserversChaos at Polls as Iraqi Seniors Confused by Butterfly Ballots Iraqis Reject Consumerist Culture of US 'Liberators'Obesity Epidemic in Iraq Linked to Krispy Kreme CrazeIraqi Woman Files Suit Over Coffee Spill at Umm Qasr McDonalds While questions about the political make-up of a post-Saddam Iraq are only now beginning to emerge, Wright said the information suggested, "continued, sporadic skirmishing over the course of domestic events." Bush Seen as Vulnerable on War Costs, Recession Rampant Speculation Drives Dow to Unsustainable Levels Economic 'Recovery' Spells Tough Times For Repo, Pawn Industries Latest Verbal Gaffe Raises Renewed Questions About Bush Intelligence Poll: Bush Agenda Seen as Too Extreme Democrats Unite Behind Edwards, Sharpton; Vow 'Peace, Reparations, Lawsuits For All'Poll: Enron, Chads, Augusta Country Club Top List of Voter ConcernsDemocrats Sweep Races in Berkeley, TriBeCa; GOP Maintains Grip on PowerBush Loses Decisively in Upper West Side; is Re-Elected Inarticulate Bush Faces Lengthy Lame Duck Term Despite the size of the stockpile, some officials doubted whether the New York Times actually intended to use the headlines. "Even when weaponized, these things don't really pack a punch anymore," said Wright. "The shock and awe appear to have worn thin in this case."CNSNews.com satire correspondent David Burge is embedded with the 113th Mobile Pundit Reconnaissance Squadron in western Iraq.
Thousands Flee as Mothra, Gamera, Blix Battle in Stockholm
