Well time for all monkey bashers to figure out they are all part of the greater monkey race. In order to figure it out, I present to you a masterpiece composed sometime ago by a fellow who goes as Holmes or Ho in AW. I know i am a monkey
, but be truthfull and see what kind of monkey are you. (And yes for you dingbats anal rententive genuses out there, it does say AW in the begining, but it applies to all.)
The Monkey Story
Air Warrior is like the Empire State building. And Air Warriors are like monkeys.
When ya first start you're a little, organ-grinder size monkey standing on the street outside. Looking up you see a building swarming
with hostile monkeys of all different shapes and sizes. Monkeys are born to climb, and there ain't no Fay Wrays standin on the
street, so instinct takes over and soon you're jousting for a handhold and making yer way up the wall.
Some are Fast Monkeys. A bit of natural ability combined with an in depth knowledge of climbin. They become familiar with the
cracks and crevices of the particular building and begin to apply their knowledge within those parameters. Soon they are climbing,
dodging, or scramblin right over some of the bigger monkeys and snatching bananas from the slower ones, growing bigger.
Others are Scrappy Monkeys. These monkeys spend extra time practicing. They ask lots of questions and live for the chance to go
toe to toe with the bigger monkeys. They punch, kick, bite, claw, and spit at the monkeys above them. Scarred, bloody, and with
big ol'chunks of fur ripped out they monkey butts they keep hammerin. Occasionally they land a good blow, right in the monkey
'nards, and topple a bigger monkey. This inspires them to fight even harder. Soon they learn where to hit and when to duck. They
begin to take their share of bananas.
Then there's the Hungry Monkeys. "Mo 'nanas!, mo 'nanas!" they chant as they cling to the wall from 6:01 pm til 7:59 am.
Calculating that mo 'nanas go to the monkeys with mo hangtime they know that if the hang long enough they will get mo then their
share of the 'nanas. Of course they need deep pockets to sustain this frenzy, can't eat all them 'nanas at once, and are prone to the
dreaded "Banana Split". They must be very careful, lest they wind up another furry puddle of monkey guts in some alley off 34th
street.
Also, ya got yer Techno Monkeys. Bumpy FrankenSchwanz in each paw, electrode catheters up their tail, anti-lock stainless steel
vine swingers attached to their feet, gold plated groin clamps feeding g-inducing jugular valves hooked into the fastest system
available, with the biggest monitor, tuned to peak performance and cranking out thru a megagigawatt, 3D, multi-usual Krakatoa
Banana Blaster, these monkeys spend alot of time diddlin with their gadgets and tweaking their way up the wall.
And, we got MacGyver Monkeys. Riding systems that time forgot with nothing more than a handful of Froot Loops and a pile of
bat guano they use every trick in the book, and plenty that ain't, to squirm their way heavenward. Always heavy, uncovering obscure
and hidden bananas, they invent their way along using every micro-ounce of every banana that they managed to ensnare, even to the
point of using the peels for clothing and shelter.
Advancing their altitudinous aspirations, AW Monkeys invariably encounter the various denizens of the virtual Jungle.
Most encounter the Hurler Monkeys first. Kinda like chimps, these sociable chaps gather in large communal halls, spending their
time practicing monkey yells and poking each other in the navel. Once in awhile they venture out for a climb but are much happier
chillin with their mates on the middle floors, flingin monkey turds and grinnin at all what pass by.
Out on the wall a common first encounter is with a Sumo Monkey. These are the veteran Hungry Monkeys. They've been there
twice, done that backwards. All the nonessential flotsam has been skimmed and the essence of the climb congealed to a Zen like
"See monkey, knock monkey down" philosophy. When ya hear "Monkey X took my 'nana 16 times in a row one day", Monkey X
is most likely a Sumo.
No avoiding it, eventually every climber crosses ledges with Tribal Monkeys. Wearing the skins of ded monkeys, gathering in private
branches painted in various warlike colors, they belch, fart, thump n headbutt their way around looking for other to belch, fart,
thump n headbutt with. An astute climber can get a good belly full a slightly bruised 'nanas by finding an area where 2 or more
groups of tribal monkeys have been thump n headbuttin.
Look way up there, see that fuzzy lil dot? That there's a Vulcher Monkey. High above the crowd, with a 10k alt advantage on next
week, they float. Looking for the unsuspecting or hurtin climber, sporting k/ds over 8000 and k/ss round .0125, their motto is -
"where there's smoke... we fire! (but only after the monkey what caused the smoke has been kilt first)".
Legend has it that in the penthouses are the Wrinkled Monkeys. Rarely climbing, (hey yer in the penthouse, why climb more?) they
only venture out under dark glasses. They have the rare and exotic 'nanas. Highly sought but useless to but a few climbers that are
twisted enough to understand their full meaning, the Wrinks are content to live on past glory. They enjoy tossing an occasional 'nana
out the window just to see how many climbers fall off trying to grab it.
AND, of course, The Kong Monkeys. At the peak of prosperity, clinging to the radio tower, chest pounding, Fay grabbin, teeth
gnashing, flicking planes away as tho they were insects, we find the Kings. Keelin, scorin, the anchors of their respective tribal units,
when a climber sees a Kong Monkey on the wall he heads for another country. Whole tribal units have been de-'nana-ed by single
Kong Monkeys. Just when Joe Avg Monkey thinks he's seen everything, along comes a Kong Monkey and gives that girl a twirl and
makes her whole wurl swirl. Clashes between Kongs can sometimes alter the entire shape of the wall, cause the climb to take a whole
nuther direction, provide lotsa ammo for the Hurlers...
Leona and Harry Kesmai proudly announce the opening of the New Real Building at 870;2 Arena 4.
The 'Nanas are fresher and sweeter and as of now there aren't many Kongs to keep ya from those Hooter laden Fays.
Fast Monkeys can get a preview of every nook and cranny. Scrappy Monkeys can test their mettle on a bigger, steeper wall. Hungry
Monkeys? Mo 'nanas, nuf said. Hey Techno Monkeys git out yer tweakers, plenty mo stuff to calculate. The MacGyver's been over
there already, gatherin trinkets.
Tis a regular simian shower over 870 as monkeys of all sizes leap off and make their way crosstown.
NOW GO FIGHT LIKE APES!
Posted by Rotor/aka Monkey
