Friday again !!

[Nilsen]

The
following are reputedly replies included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing details about the father:



Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by John Smith. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto heel in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

John Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney -- maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to a party, [my eggs] might have remained unfertilised.

[Nilsen]

That one flopped so here is another

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:

#  She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

# Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

# On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

# The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

# The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

# Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

# Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

# The patient refused autopsy.

# The patient has no previous history of suicides.

# Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

# Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

# Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

# Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

# Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

# She is numb from her toes down.

# While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

# The skin was moist and dry.

# Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

# Patient was alert and unresponsive.

# Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

# She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

# I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

# Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

# Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

# The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

# The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

# Skin: somewhat pale but present.

# The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

# Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

# Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

# Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.