(FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE)
The following is the "first final" list of events for the Republican
National Convention in New York City, August 30 to September 2.
AUG. 30
6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER read by Mel Gibson, while being flogged with a
spiked leather strap wielded by Ann Coulter, who will enjoy it a little
too much.
* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to RED.
* LEST WE FORGET -- HONORARY ROLL CALL of All Members of (and Friends
of) Bush Administration Who Might Very Well Have Been Killed In Vietnam
If It Hadn't Been For Nasty Trick Knees, Anal Cysts, Recurrent
Headaches, and Highly-Placed, Overly-Protective Parents. (Sponsored by
Tyson Chicken)
* ANTONIN SCALIA speaks -- "SLAVERY - THE ORIGINAL INTENT OF OUR
FOREFATHERS, AND GREAT FOR BUSINESS! (Sponsored by Wal-Mart)
* DICK CHENEY hosts AMBASSADORSHIP RAFFLE - Opening Bid 1,000,000
(cash, non-sequential bills 20's or less)
* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- FILM - "BRING IT ON!" Stirring fictionalized
re-creation of Mr. Bush's actual dental appointment in Alabama in 1972,
where he showed the incredible courage to allow "deep cleaning" of gums
without anesthetic. (Sponsored by Sinclair Broadcasting)
* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "GET BAKED WITH RUSH "Prankster" LIMBAUGH!
(Location TBD) (Sponsored by Pfizer)
AUG 31
* 6 p.m. OPENING PRAYER read by Our Lord (The Passion Of) Jesus H.
Christ, as channeled by Lt. General William G. "Jerry" Boykin, the man
who first revealed that Mr. Bush was chosen by God to lead this country
into war against the heathens. Mr. Boykin will then give a short, upbeat
presentation on Islam called, "My God can Beat Up Your God."
* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FLASHING RED.
* WAYNE LAPIERRE will pry Davy Crockett's Kentucky Long Rifle out of
Charlton Heston's cold dead fingers (subject to Heston's death)
(Sponsored by Smith & Wesson)
* DESIGNATED BROWN PERSON (Hispanic or Muslim, or possibly an Hispanic
Muslim, if we can find one) will speak on how being a brown person
doesn't automatically disqualify you from being a Republican (subject to
finding a brown person capable of being bribed to do this - may need
professional actor, possibly brought in from 3rd world country)
CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- PAUL WOLFOWITZ announces American plans to
invade Iran, strip them of nuclear weapons, and turn over entire country
to Bechtel to be run as a subsidiary. (Wolfowitz will tell anxious
voters that the operation will involve 200 out-sourced "consultants",
will take one week and will be entirely funded by pocket change found in
a White House couch.) (Sponsored by Halliburton)
* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- "RIDE THE WAVE WITH RUSH "Big Oxy" LIMBAUGH!"
(Do a couple of 'ringers' with Big Pharma - sponsored by ROBITUSSIN)
SEPTEMBER 1
* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will
demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm) and the eternal
mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the
pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual
non-Republicans.
* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
* THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present
LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush
Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)
* ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special
TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
* CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION
RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST).
(JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member
Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named
the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)
* SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker" LIMBAUGH
(sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)
* 6 p.m. -- OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will
then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF
FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
* TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to Fire Engine Red, and
ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
* CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" - DICK CHENEY will introduce and
personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA
BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne
LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)
* PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body.
FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:
"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers
trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11
Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my
gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus
speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11
Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my
gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who
cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me.
G'night everybody!"
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
* "GET MAXED with RUSH "ROCKET CAP" LIMBAUGH!" (Sponsored by
GlaxoSmithKline)
* RICK SANTORUM 'DOG ON DOG' PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
* BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE
PRIZE
* SPECIAL BUFFET - JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF
CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES (sponsored by
KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy" BBQ Sauce)
