Sent to me by a colleague, I thought it was funny...and scary...
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS
May 23, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides
new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
(AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage,
is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of
Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow
people of inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what
they are doing," said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a
long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this
agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the
Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%),and home
improvement "warehouse" stores (65%).
President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of
Nonabled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level
jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man"
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The
legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a
significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a
tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless
worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to
discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview
questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have
any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job
skills.
"This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented
citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American
citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take
up in this great nation."
