For all the disenchanted Americans looking for a better life I offer you.......
Sick of Seattle ?
The following is a diary of one who had enough of the precipitation of Seattle, and, like many others, thought they would go to the ‘promised land’…. CALGARY…
Oct. 26
So long Seattle, you water logged, moss - infested mess… We have moved to Calgary for a better life, and more importantly, better weather….
Nov 2
Wow, what a nice crisp day filled with fresh air! You can tell winter will soon be here, I am so excited, finally a white Christmas, no more god - damn rain!
Nov 15
We had 2" of snow last night. The yard looks beautiful. The deer actually come into the backyard and nibble on the shrubs. Its’ so nice to be close to nature. It only took me 10 minutes to brush the snow off the car. I had better get some gloves and a scraper.
Nov 20
Wow, another 3" last night. I shovelled out the driveway and even did the neighbours driveway next door. All this exercise is good for me. Its’ getting a little colder. I better get a warmer jacket and a scarf.
Nov 21
I think I hurt my back, I was pretty stiff this morning. I guess slipping on the ice on the steps doesn’t help either. The deer sure like my back yard. I had some trouble getting the car started this morning. My neighbour laughed at me and said I had better get a "blockheater"?? I was a little late for work because I got a ticket from a cop, I didn’t have the proper snowtires on the car…. What next ?
Nov 30
Holy crap… another 4" last night. It took an hour to shovel out the driveway. I got a small blister on my hand. The boss spoke to me about being late. Its’ rather funny, my whole family is starting to like country music. I can’t stand it.
A big surprise when I got home. The snowplow came down our street and I had to shovel out the end of the driveway. The damn blister broke, that really hurts.
Dec 4
You have got to be kidding…! Another 3" last night. I broke my shovel and got a sliver right into the blister. I almost cried I was in such pain! I was really late at work. I was given a reprimand letter ‘reminding’ me of the late policy. My wife really nagged me about all the deer manure in the back yard. I got frostbite picking all the crap up. I didn’t even get dinner as my wife was late for her ‘line dance’ lessons. I hope the damn wolves get these bloody deer, they make a real mess. Jesus Christ, you have got to be kidding….. the snowplow came by again!
It took a long time to clear the driveway.
Dec 15
W.T.F….! Another 2" last night. My hand is so sore, I went by the Dr’s. I have blood poisoning …… I slipped on the stairs at the Dr’s office and bruised my elbow. I should sue the bastard. Those damn deer crapped all over the backyard again ! I lost one of my gloves, my ‘infected’ hand got frostbite. Jesus, that hurts.
Dec 21
Oh No !! 4 more inches overnight. Does this crap ever stop falling? I was late again. The boss is really getting pissed at me. To top it all off, when I got home the driveway is clogged again thanks to the f*****’ snow plow. If I ever meet the S.O.B. that drives the plow I’ll punch his lights out…..!
Dec 25
Merry f*****’ Christmas ! Did I ever blow it, I got drunk and forgot the dog was outside, he froze to death. Nobody in the family will even talk to me. Guess what I got for Christmas? A new snow shovel and a window scraper for the car! My hand is throbbing, the infection won’t go away. I opened up a good bottle of Crown Royal. and got pissed….. the wife is really distant and all she thinks and talks about is her line dancing friends at the club?
Dec 30
What the hell is going on? Another 3" fell today. The snowplow got stuck in front of our house, the bastard actually came to our door to borrow the phone. I broke my new snow shovel over his head !! I spent the night in jail, and now I have to go to court for assault charges.
Jan 1
My wife said she wanted to ‘talk’ with me. She informed me that she has met someone else and her and the kids are moving out. I found out that she is seeing one of her ‘line dance’ partners… guess who?! That salamander the snowplow driver! I got pissed all by myself tonight. My hand is killing me….
Jan 4
Does it ever end ?! Another 3" last night. By the time I shovelled out the driveway, I was late for work…. Guess what… I got fired today, for being late so often ! I went by the liquor store and the gun shop, I bought myself some more Crown Royal and a new .306. Those f*****’ deer are going to be sorry. I got 4 of the bastards tonight. I hope the wolves drag their mangy carcasses away.
Jan 6
Jesus Christ, more snow !!! I don’t care anymore. I saw the Dr. today. If my hand doesn’t heal soon I may have to get it amputated. On the way out I had to pay cash to the receptionist , as my medical has been cutoff! I slid on some ice in an intersection the car is a ‘write off’. My adjuster said I had the wrong kind of insurance… I am not covered ! I walked to a bar and got pissed ! I had the cab driver stop by the ammo shop. Those f*****’ deer are going to get it tonight. I got 6 more of the bastards!
Jan 7
The cops and the SPCA knocked on my door and seized my gun and booze. Now what am I going to do?
Jan 8
More of the white crap…. Who cares? I can barely get out my front door, the snow is so high. I tried to have a cup of coffee, but guess what? The damn water line froze, so…. no water. I forced the sliding door open on the back door and finally got outside. I torched the place !! It’s the first time I have been warm in a month. Hang on Seattle, I am coming home!
