I feel so good now that I have decided to dust off the Resume and go out and try to get a job. Enough of this living in the basement eating Kraft dinner and looking at internet porn all day.
I have ammended my resume as follows, please just skip to the bottom:
Name: Habu
Address: Available upon request.
Objective Find a job where the people I work with aren't all against me. Also, I'd like to find a job where the boss doesn't pick on me. I'm thinking of someday being my own boss. I want to make a lot of money. I need some creative space so I can make things. I want to have the extra time to enjoy the things I'm interested in, like partying and seeing some bands. I'm a people watcher, and I'm thinking about learning to play guitar. I just read a book that describes how men can have multiple orgasms without ejaculation. I'd like some time to practice this.
Employment
a) Astro Gas , intersection of Greely and Portland Blvd.
Employed: December 2 to December 22 2004
Responsibilities: I pumped gas, checked oil, and sold cigarettes to motorists and the high school students that waited for the bus there.
Reason for leaving: The boss and everyone had it out for me. The bastards I worked with told my boss that I was stealing money from the till, then they framed me for it.The boss was picking on me for being late a few times, and got pretty uptight about me showing up with booze on my breath. (It was a good damned thing that I'd drank that whiskey right before I got to work; otherwise he would have smelled the weed on my breath too. Hey, I wasn't kidding when I said I liked to party, man.) He got mad because I sold cigarettes to minors. I think that law is bull ****. He doesn't know what he's talking about. He's an idiot. He wouldn't let me have time off for Christmas so I can visit my brother. No one treats me that way. He'll get whats coming to him. I'm telling you; that bastard is going to pay.
b) Parr Lumber, Martin Luther King Blvd, Portland.
Employed: November 6 to November 22 2004.
Responsibilities: Take the broken pallets and make them into good, usable ones. Got the door for the contractors. Swept the parking lot and yard to keep it free of dangerous debris, like wet cardboard, sawdust, and wood chips.
Reason for leaving: The boss would ride me about smoking and talking to people walking by. I was doing Parr a customer service deed by establishing good relations with the public. If you call them they will tell you I made a lewd comment to a customer. That ho is fulla ****. She flirted with me. She started it. My boss was a dork from Vancouver. His daughter was foxy and he would get uptight when I'd talk to her. He was infringing upon my constitutional rights be telling me I couldn't smoke in the warehouse because of "fire codes." Thats a bunch of crap. Everyone knows that a cigarette couldn't burn down a whole warehouse. It was just too big. He was an insensitive bellybutton for not letting me have Thanksgiving off to visit my brother. He also claims that he caught me jerking off in the warehouse. I wasn't jerking off. I got a sliver down there and was trying to get it out.
c) Burger King, Barbur Blvd, Portland.
Employed: October 20 to November 1 2004
Responsibilities: Cook and janitorial work. I took the 40 pound frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart with a screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen hammer and put them in the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there are two sizes, whopper and regular,) and put them into the appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer. It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor underneath the tables where the cleaners couldn't reach with their machines.
Reason for leaving: I came into work the day after Halloween and a couple pigs were there and they told me I wasn't allowed to go in. The manager came out and gave me my last check and told me I was fired. I asked him what it was all about and he said I came in on Halloween and started screaming and throwing things around and shoved a lady up against the salad bar. That's a lie. I was drinking with Ciccione in N.E. Portland. I was riding my brother's Huffy (because my car was impounded for a bull **** DWI charge I was framed on.) I don't think there is any way I could have got from N.E. Portland to S.W. Portland on that bike in one night, especially since I was so drunk. He hated me anyhow. I got more dignity than that. So I punched the son of a ***** and the pigs arrested me. That bald headed do gooder punk deserved it. He had to have been lying. He said I was on a blackout. That's a lie. I don't remember ever having a blackout. He got mad at me for spitting on the paddies with with my buddy Rob. He said that that was discusting and that he was really dissapointed. What a geek. He didn't even see the humor in a harmless game of "burger roulette."
Education: High School Graduate (Almost, 6 courses short) July 1999.
Memberships:
The O Club: A top ranked member of this non demoninational debateing society.
References: Airhead, Nash and mosgood
Can someone help me integrate the follwing phrases into the resume?
Solutions-oriented
Results-driven
Well organized
Highly motivated
