The wife emailed this to me today. I thought it was pretty funny so I thought I would share.
_____________________________ ______________________
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known
as
"squawks" submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had a crash.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test filght OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack
normal
seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in Altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm desent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF position.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
