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Your New Computer
Congratulations! You have purchased an Anthrax 2000 Multimedia Personal Computer with Digital
Doo-Dah Enhancer. It will give many years of faithful service, if you ever get it up and running. Also
included with your PC is a special bonus pack of free pre-installed software:- 'Lawn Mowing Planner',
'Blank Screen Saver', 'East
Africa Route Finder' and 'X15 Submarine Mechanic' valued at over a fiver, which will provide hours of
pointless diversion whilst using up most of your computers spare memory. You are now ready to
begin the installation so turn the page and lets get started!
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Getting Ready: Congratulations, you have successfully turned the page which means you have a high
enough IQ to realise things don't look too good. If your delicate PC has arrived in a damaged box,
possibly from mis-handling or being dropped, it will be doubtful that the box will be of any use and can
be thrown away.
Important meaningless note: The Anthrax 2000 is configured to use the 80386, Z80 and ARMITAGE
SHANKS processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable speed spin cycle. Check your electrical
installation and insurance policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat build
up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom shelf of a refrigerator is ideal.
Unpack the box and examine its contents. (WARNING: Do not open the box if contents are missing or
faulty as this will invalidate your warranty. Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a
note explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within twelve working months.)
Also, only open the box if you intend to use your PC as this will bind you to the terms and conditions
set out in the manual, which will be sent to you when it has been written. The contents of the box (if
you have the deluxe model) should include some of the following: Monitor with mysterious De Gauss
button; keyboard with 2½ inches of flex; computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not
necessarily designed for this model; 2,000 page 'Owners Manual' of which 1,987 pages are in 26
different languages; 'Short Guide to the Owners Manual'; 'Quick Start Guide' to the 'Short Guide to
the Owners Manual'; 'Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide for People Who Are Exceptionally
Impatient or Stupid'; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in Spanish and other loose pieces
of paper; 292 cubic feet of cardboard and styrofoam packing material.
All our PC's are subjected to a rigorous 24 hour 'Burn In - Burn Out' test. Please wipe off any soot
from the case before using.
Something They Didn't Tell You When You Ordered: Because of the additional power hungry needs
of the Computer like switching it on, you will need to acquire an Anthrax 2000 auxiliary hardware
upgrade pack, a 900 volt memory capacitor for the auxiliary hardware pack, a 50 megahertz
oscillator for the memory capacitor, 64
Gigabytes of additional memory for the oscillator and a small electrical substation.
Setting Up: You are now ready to set up your PC. If you have not yet acquired a degree in Electrical
engineering, now is the time to do so. Connect the monitor cable (A) to the portside outlet unit (D);
attach power offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo channel (G); plug the three-pin
mouse cable into the keyboard housing unit (make an extra hole if necessary); connect modem (B2)
to offside parallel audio/video lineout jack. Alternatively, plug the cables into the most likely looking
holes, switch on and see what happens. Additional meaningless note: The wires in the ampule
modulator unit are marked as follows: blue = neutral or live; yellow = live or blue; blue and live =
neutral and green; black = instant death. Plug in, switch on, and retire to a safe distance. If after
plugging in and switching on your PC nothing happens, the items sent to you may have been
mislabelled. Please try plugging in the box. Should your computer appear to be working, please
contact us immediately as we may need to employ you.
Now its time to install your Microsofarsogood software. Insert Disc A (marked 'Disc D' or 'Disc G')
into Drive Slot B and type 'Setup' and press Return. If your keyboard does not have a return key,
simply press the small spring lever where the Return button should be and wait. After installation, you
will be asked to enter your License Verification Number. Your License Verification Number can be
found by entering your Certified User Number, which can be found by entering your License
Verification Number. If you are unable to find your License Verification or Certified User numbers, call
the Software Support Line for assistance. (Please have your License Verification and Certified User
numbers handy as the support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not already lost faith, please insert Installation Diskette 1 in Drive Slot 2 (or vice versa)
and follow the instructions on your screen. (Note: owing to software modifications, some instructions
will appear in Romanian) At each prompt, select an option most suitable for the installation. As a rule
of thumb and general to most installations, the Exit option is always a good bet. If the installation fails
with an error message '## Not enough disk space ##' then you should have bought a bigger disk. If
the installation is successful, insert Diskette 2, marked 'Diskette 1', and repeat the previous steps
with each of the 187 other disks. Should you be unfortunate enough to receive an error message that
says: Invalid file path. Abort or Continue? Be warned , Selecting 'Continue' may result in irreversible
drive damage and loss of memory. On the other hand, selecting 'Abort' may result in irreversible drive
damage and loss of memory. Please select the most appropriate option. When installation is
complete, make sure your computer is plugged into the phone socket, type in your Name, Address
and Credit Card details and press 'SEND'. This will automatically register you for our free software
prize, 'Blank Screensaver IV: Night Time in Deep Space', and allow us to pass your name to lots and
lots of computer magazines, online services and other commercial enterprises, who will be getting I
touch shortly. If you should see numerous miscellaneous debits on your credit card, this is perfectly
normal as it verifies that your modem is working correctly. Please be sure to fill in you warranty
registration form and send it to us immediately. Failure to do this will result in us not receiving it.
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You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some simple exercises to get you off to a flying
start:
Writing a letter: Type 'Dear' and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a few lines
about yourself, and then write 'Sincerely yours' followed by your own name. Print it off on your new
printer that you are about to order from us and Voila!
Saving a file: To save your letter, select File Menu. Choose 'Save As', Choose 'Recycle Bin' as the
location and press 'OK'. Alternatively, write it in long-hand on a sheet of paper and place it in a
drawer.
Advice on using the Spreadsheet Facility: Don't!
Troubleshooting Section: You will have many, many problems through the life of your computer.
These are quite normal and commonplace so don't send anything back to us.
Here are a few problems you may encounter and their solutions: Problem: My computer won't turn on
Solution/Advice: This is perfectly normal
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution/Advice: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My foot pedal wont work
Solution/Advice: Try using it on the mouse mat instead
Problem: My CD Rom won't work.
Solution/Advice: This is not a CD-ROM, it's a coffee holder.
Problem: I have made a mistake in the word processor. How do I change it?
Solution/Advice: Tipp-Ex over the mistake and type it in correctly.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying 'General Protection Fault'
Solution/Advice: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer. Switch the computer to
OFF mode and any messages will disappear.
Problem: What exactly will my warranty cover?
Solution/Advice: Its big enough to cover your mouse mat
Problem: My PC is a useless piece of junk
Solution/Advice: You need to upgrade to the Anthrax 3000 turbo model with exclusive limited ability,
or trade your PC in for our pen and paper set. **
** Due to problems with some of our pens, the pen and paper set has been discontinued.
