Author Topic: Bad jokes (Read 657 times)

DREDIOCK · « **on:** April 23, 2005, 05:48:17 PM »

Whats your favorite bad joke?
You know. the ones you know you shouldnt laugh at but do anyway.

Doesnt have to be politically correct

Just keep it reasonably clean.

And remember people these are JOKES.

Bad yes, But jokes nonetheless and not to be taken seriously.

Q- How many Abused housewives does it take to make a sandwich?

A- One if she knows whats good for her

Leslie · « **Reply #1 on:** April 23, 2005, 08:20:31 PM »

Here's one from years ago.

President Clinton woke up one fine morning after it had snowed the night before. While he was admiring the fresh white blanket of snow on the White House lawn, he noticed someone had spelled out some words in the snow. Upon furthur investigation, these words spelled out "Bill Clinton sucks."

Bill ordered his secret service men to get to the bottom of this matter right away and they came back with the results.

Mr. President, they said, we have some disturbing news. It seems the words are written using urine. Bill says, well who would do such a thing. I task you with finding out for me.

A little later the secret service returns and says, Mr. President we did an analysis on the urine and it seems to belong to Al Gore. Bill is furious, "After all I've done for Al and he does this? I can't believe it. Is there anything else you found out?"

The secret service men looked at each other and one of them spoke up. Yes sir there is. I'm afraid sir we have even more disturbing news. We did furthur analysis and the handwriting belongs to Hillary.

Leslie · « **Reply #2 on:** April 23, 2005, 08:26:38 PM »

The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general . . and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is extremely embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smartmouth on your knee."

Leslie · « **Reply #3 on:** April 23, 2005, 08:28:03 PM »

The Firing Squad

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad.

The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said, "Ready, aim ... " at which point the brunettes yelled "Earthquake!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped.

Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said "Ready, aim ... " at which point the redheads yelled "Tornado!!!"

The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redheaded guys all took off and escaped.

The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said "Ready, aim ... ", the blonde guys all yelled out "Fire!!!"

Leslie · « **Reply #4 on:** April 23, 2005, 08:41:57 PM »

Here's a good joke to even things out a bit (for educational purposes.) This one is a classic.

Tendjewberrymud

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). This was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. bellybutton ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

ASTAC · « **Reply #5 on:** April 23, 2005, 09:41:05 PM »

Top officers from the 4 services were arguing over which service had the most balls....

The Army General called over a young private. "Son go stand in the path of that oncoming tank."
"Yes sir" said the private and proceeded to get run over.

"Now thats balls" Said the General.

The Airforce General said " Thats nothing, watch this. Airman Airhead get over here!"

The young airman quickly ran iover and popped to attention.

"Son go inspect the engine on that running F-22"

The Airman promptly poked his head into the intake and was sucked in/

"Now thats balls" The General said.

"Yeah, well you ain't got nothing on the Marines" Said the Commadant of the Marine Corps.

"Private! Go run into that minefield!"

The private did, and got blown up before he made it 10 feet into the mine field.

The Cheif of Naval Operations just laughed.

"You guys want to see balls? Well come with me."

The four of them went out to Naval Station Norfolk and made their way up to the flight deck of one of the carriers stationed there.

"You see Seaman Schmardas painting the top of that 100 foot mast? Well watch this." The CNO said.

"Hey Seaman! Undo that safety harness and jump down here!"

The seaman looked at the Admiral, Gave him the finger and said " F@ck you Sir!"

Tha Admiral smiled and said to the others "Now THAT'S Balls!"

Blooz · « **Reply #6 on:** April 23, 2005, 10:09:45 PM »

A man was brought before a judge for a minor offense. The judge looked at the defendent and saw that he looked like a decent ordinary guy. During the trial the judge asked if the defendent was a veteran and the defendant said, "Yes, your honor".

The judge said, " I was in World War 2. What war were you in?"

"World War 2 your honor" came the reply.

"Really?" said the judge. "I was in the Battle of the Bulge"

"Me too your honor" said the man.

The judge said, "I was in the 101st Airborne. What unit were you in?"

The man looked to the floor. "1st SS Panzer Division your honor"

Gunslinger · « **Reply #7 on:** April 23, 2005, 10:44:17 PM »

One day and army Lt. Col. is doing batalian manuvers and spots a Marine on a hill next to a "fox hole". He pulls out his binoculars and the Marine gives him the Bird and hops in his hole.

The general is furious so he sends a squad of dog faces up the hill to kick the crap out of the Marine. A few minutes later he sees his squad rolling down the hill and unconcious.

Even more mad he sends the entire platoon up the hill to teach the Marine a lesson. He spost the Marine in his binos and the marine AGAIN gives him the bird. A few minutes later he spots 1st platoon in utter disarray resembly the squad he sent up first.

Even more mad he orders ALPHA company up the hill to deal with this flagrently disrespectfal jarhead. Same results. The marine gives the LT COL the bird and the company is wiped out.

Not wanting to lose any more of his ment the Col. then rolls up his sleeves and sets off to deal with this Marine himself.

Half way up the hill a private who's barely concious stoppes him with a tugg on his pant legg and says:

"sir sir don't its a trap........there's TWO of them"

Leslie · « **Reply #8 on:** April 23, 2005, 11:37:24 PM »

Those are pretty good, keep em coming.

Les

Sikboy · « **Reply #9 on:** April 24, 2005, 12:12:01 AM »

I wish I could share with you what is truly the worst joke ever.

It's about a Shaggy dog.

But what makes it bad is the telling. I don't think it would translate to writing.

Which is really too bad.

However, the best part of the joke, is that when you get to the punchline, you actually do get punched. By anyone who had to listen to that ****ing ****ty boring so-called "joke"

-Sik

Leslie · « **Reply #10 on:** April 24, 2005, 03:00:43 AM »

Jokes are imvented by aliens from outer space. All the good ones are forgotten, and aliens haven't visited earth for several decades. That's why there aren't very many good jokes going around.

When jokes are funny, that is indication of visitors from outer space.

Les

Holden McGroin · « **Reply #11 on:** April 24, 2005, 03:34:29 AM »

An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know: did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She pauses for a moment and then confesses, "Yes, yes he did have a different father."

The old man is shaken; the reality of what his wife admitted hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You were."

bigsky · « **Reply #12 on:** April 25, 2005, 06:15:35 AM »

An old man, Mr. Ericson, was living the last of his life in a Nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Hay asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Hay," said Mr. Ericson, "My noodle died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Ericson, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Ericson was walking down the hall with his noodle hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Hay.

"Mr. Ericson," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. Please put your noodle back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Hay," replied Mr. Ericson, "I told you yesterday that my noodle died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Hay.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

bigsky · « **Reply #13 on:** April 25, 2005, 08:35:56 AM »

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, 'Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?'

Modas · « **Reply #14 on:** April 25, 2005, 09:02:17 AM »

A man walks into a pet shop looking for a talking parrot. The owner has only one parrot left.
Shop Owner: "So, you're looking for a talking parrot?"
Man: "Yep"
SO: "well it just so happens, I have one left. He loves to talk, but he's a religious parrot, so he'll only talk while in church."
Man: "That's ok, I'll take him."

So he drops 400 clams and happily takes the parrot home. Sunday comes along and he takes the bird to church with him. The parrot sits on his shoulder quietly through the service until the middle of the sermon when suddenly the parrot decides to talk.

"Cod Dammit its hot in here"

There is a loud gasp from the people around him. The mans face turns beat red, when the parrot proclaims, even louder

"COD DAM ITS HOT IN HERE"

The man promptly grabs the parrot and leaves the church and heads straight for the petstore.

Man: "you didn't tell me he was going to swear in church"
SO: "sorry, must've slipped my mind. When he starts to swear, tie a rope around his legs and swing him around your head. The breeze will cool him off and he'll stop swearing."
Man (reluctantly): ok, I'll give it a try

Of course, Sunday comes along and he arrive in church with the parrot on his shoulder. Again, halfway through the sermon

"COD DAMN its hot in here"

The man quickly wrapped a rope around the parrots legs and began twirling him around in circles.

The parrot cries out in glee...

"WHEEEEEEEE!!!!..... Feel the f*cK*ing breeze"