General Jack D. Ripper: Have you ever seen a commie drink a glass of water?
Group Captain Lionel Mandrake: Well, no I... I can't say I have, Jack.
Ripper: Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water?
Mandrake: Well I... I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
Ripper: On no account will a commie ever drink water, and not without good reason.
Mandrake: Oh, ah, yes. I don't quite.. see what you're getting at, Jack.
Ripper: Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water. Mandrake, water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why, you realize that.. seventy percent of you is water.
Mandrake: Uhhh God...
Ripper: And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water to replenish our precious bodily fluids.
Mandrake: Yes. (Chuckles nervously.)
Ripper: You beginning to understand?
Mandrake: Yes. (Chuckles, begins laughing/crying quietly.)
Ripper: Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rain water, and only pure grain alcohol?
Mandrake: Well it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
Ripper: Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation? Fluoridation of water?
Mandrake: Ah, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
Ripper: Well do you know what it is?
Mandrake: No. No, I don't know what it is. No.
Ripper: Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face?
(Window in the office is shot through by automatic weapons fire.)
Ripper: (Walks to window and shouts.) Two can play at this game soldier!
(More rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp.)
Ripper: That's nice shooting, soldier!
(Ripper produces a machine gun from a golf bag in his closet. He turns off the lights, then sweeps his desk clear with the gun barrel, placing the gun squarely on the desk.)
Ripper: Mandrake! Come here!
Mandrake: You calling me, Jack?
Ripper: Just come over here and help me with this belt.
Mandrake: (Prone on couch.) I ah, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those... sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
Ripper: Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy!
Mandrake: Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my leg's gone.
Ripper: The what?
Mandrake: The string. I never told you, but, you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
Ripper: (Karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action.) Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming. Come on!