To: Chinese Premier Dung (a.k.a. - Heep) From: American President George W. Bush The United States is truly sorry that your nation is not capable of training your pilots to fly without striking other aircraft. Especially large, slow, propeller-driven aircraft incapable of maneuvering quickly in order to avoid reckless pilots. We are also sorry that you people lack the honor to respect the international laws governing collision avoidance between aircraft when flying in international airspace. We further regret that you cannot be trusted to respect the integrity of sovereign aircraft forced at gun point to land on your soil after your inept pilot forced a collision. Indeed, we are extremely sorry we cannot confirm that this pilot (using that term loosely) and his aircraft actually did plummet into the Pacific. Unfortunately, we have only your word, which based upon your actions, isn't worth Won. The bottom line Mr. Premier, we truly regret the state of incompetence currently being demonstrated and ignorantly adhered to by the People's Dictatorship of China. That being said, you are holding our servicemen hostage, illegally. You are holding our aircraft, illegally. I am sorry to inform you that all your Ambassadors, aides, businessmen, and students currently residing in the United States will have their visas revoked at midnight tonight. I am also sorry to inform you that all Chinese assets in the United States are now frozen and will remain so until further notice. I am sorry to inform Beanie Baby collectors that all imports from the PDC will be halted. All foreign aid monies to the PDC and all IMF etc., funds are cancelled. On the other hand, I am certainly not sorry to announce that sales of advanced technology military equipment to the Republic of Taiwan will be increased and accelerated. Nor am I sorry to announce that two additional carrier battle groups are being assigned to patrol the waters off the coasts of the PDC. For your information, U.S. Navy pilots from these carrier groups will be happy to demonstrate the proper procedure for not ramming into aircraft in international airspace. Please do not be surprised, however, when you notice some of these aircraft may not have propellers. And do not be surprised if one or two of your aircraft get shot out of the sky if they approach our carrier group aircraft in the same manner that your errant pilot approached our unarmed EP-3. I'm sure I can think of more things to do if I don't have my airmen and airplane returned by midnight, tonight. Personally, this is the kind of apology I've been wanting to give you since learning of your unholy, underhanded, and deceitful alliance with my predecessor. You remember, your #1 friend, Biw Crinton. Thank you for affording me this opportunity so soon in my term. Just think, we have nearly four full years (and maybe even eight years) to continue nurturing our relationship. Your new #1 friend, GW. P.S. If you want your pandas back just send one of your military transports to retrieve them.
