Author Topic: Manliness in danger of extinction (Read 486 times)

RightF00T · « **on:** November 16, 2005, 08:11:42 PM »

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Manliness in danger of extinction

By Zach Parks

I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.

I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym.

I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.

Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.

Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing -=-=-=-=-=-=s.

It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.

Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a caf and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing, scotch.

Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.

When manly men aren't eating pieces of -=-=-=-= like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette.

Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.

Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.

Vulcan · « **Reply #1 on:** November 16, 2005, 08:38:46 PM »

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lumberjacks

Ahah! Hes gay!

SOB · « **Reply #2 on:** November 16, 2005, 08:48:53 PM »

...but he's Okay!

Octavius · « **Reply #3 on:** November 16, 2005, 08:50:00 PM »

dodgerocks with knives, ahhahaha!

AWMac · « **Reply #4 on:** November 16, 2005, 08:50:09 PM »

~~IN Memorandom~~

Zack Parks, the World known weight lifter and body builder, was declared dead last night.

First reports reveal that he was discovered in the nude, in an undisclosed body area was inserted a sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, his body was covered in Bacon grease and tobacco juice. Also discovered was 2 packs of Camel, non filtered, cigarettes stuffed into his mouth lit.

Investigators have ruled out foul play and believe this was a mere act of a masturbation event gone wrong..

Film at 11:00pm....

Mac

RightF00T · « **Reply #5 on:** November 16, 2005, 10:13:27 PM »

In? for what

Hangtime · « **Reply #6 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:01:50 PM »

Used ta be the men were men and the sheep were nervous.

Nowadays, the men are women and the sheep are protected.

He's right tho.. the latest crop of studs are puds.

lasersailor184 · « **Reply #7 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:03:47 PM »

I take offense to that mark.

We still do it old school, at least those in the Sailing Team here.

Hangtime · « **Reply #8 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:12:01 PM »

Sailing Team? As in dressing alike in cute white shorts and Izod LaCrosse Crew shirts, wine coolers and follwing each other around?

SOB · « **Reply #9 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:13:45 PM »

Yeah, no kiddin'. Only a total fairy would ever find himself piloting a sailboat!

Hangtime · « **Reply #10 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:16:50 PM »

ahhh.. now you have done dragged the wrong damn goat.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr!

Prepare to be boarded! Take the white women alive!

SuperDud · « **Reply #11 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:18:38 PM »

lasersailor184 · « **Reply #12 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:30:33 PM »

It'd be a little embarassing for a college sailing team to drink adults under the table. So I'll let you pansies keep your dignity... For now.

Hangtime · « **Reply #13 on:** November 16, 2005, 11:47:24 PM »

Bouy racing! Dingy Sailors! LOL!

Gehy.

Blue water. Wind. Waves. Rum. Women. Head Room!!![/i]

Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Booz · « **Reply #14 on:** November 17, 2005, 12:07:08 AM »

I'm upset, I got biceps but I'm stupid and can't compete.