Got this from reading a good book. Hope you enjoy
A drunk is sitting with a few of his buddies. He sees this guy near the door getting numbers from almost every woman that's leaving. He sits and watches for about 15 minutes before getting up and pestering the guy. "How do ya get those numbers?" he asks in rather slurred speach. "Easy. When I see a pretty woman I ask her 'tickle your bellybutton with a feather?'. If she gets all mad and says 'What?!' I say perticularly nasty weather."
The drunk figures he's got this down, nods, and walks right up to a very pretty woman. He blurts out "Stick a feather up your ass?". Startled, the woman snaps around "What did you say?!". The drunk looks at her as if he's got it made "Rainin like a f&%$ out ain't it!".
Bad NewsA man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older
brother is gay," replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my
younger brother is gay," replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
A Lovely WeddingBelow is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone
to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their
wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing
such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective trail them weeks prior to the wedding.)
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F*&$ you",
he turned to the bride and said "F*&$ you", and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm out of here." He had the
marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with
it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e.
their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world, we just live in it.
RoverOur hero is meeting his girlfriend's rich snobby parents for the first time. Before they go into the dining room for dinner, the girl whispers to the guy, "Whatever you do, don't leave the table before Daddy does. He absolutely hates that!" Seems easy enough,
but during the appetizer, the poor young man feels a fart coming on. Just then, the family dog enters the room and plops itself
down right under the guy's chair.
"What a relief! I'll blame it on the dog!" he thinks. And he ever so discreetly lets out a little *poot*. The mother glares at the dog
and snaps, "Rover!"
"Whew! That was easy!" So he lifts his cheek a little more and goes *Poooooot*. "Rover!" says the mother, a little more sharply.
So now he's home free. He lets loose with a horrible, humongous fart. Mother slams her fork down on the table and yells,
"ROVER! GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT CHAIR! THAT MAN'S ABOUT TO toejam ON YOU!!"
A Couple At The ZooIt's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He
jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), panting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the gorilla's excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker
her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.
She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs..." he suggests.
This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly, the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage and slings her in with the gorilla.
"Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
Flakbait
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