The sensitive redneck

[Nilsen]

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

[Nilsen]

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul.  He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

[Nilsen]

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.

They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush? "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

[Nilsen]

[Holden McGroin]

Ole and Sven went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and Sven says, "The way I figger it, Ole, each of them fish cost us $400.  Well. At dat price it's a good ting we didn't catch any more of em than we did."

[Holden McGroin]

"Hello? Funeral home?"
   "Yes?"
   "It's Ole. My wife Lena died."
   "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. We'll send someone right away to pick up the body.  Where do you live?"  
   "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."  
   "Can you spell that for me?"  
   "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"

[Nilsen]

Got some good norwegian style redneck jokes (yes we have em too) but the fun is lost in the translation and you have to know the "harry" culture to get it.

[Mustaine]

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?" "No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

[Mustaine]

A Norwegian was in a pub in Sweden and a regular customer suggested to him:
- "I'll give you $200, if you let me smash ten beer bottles on your head." The Norwegian thought for a while and finally agreed, partly because of the peer pressure. The Swede smashed the first bottle on the Norwegian's head, then the second and so on, but he stopped after smashing nine bottles.
- "So, when are you going to smash the tenth bottle?," asked the Norwegian.
- "I am not a total idiot," the Swede replied, "then I would have to give you that $200."

[Mustaine]

Every year for the 17th of May parade the Swedes line up on one side of the road for the parade, the Norwegians on the other. Then, the Norwegians throw firecrackers at the Swedes. Then, the Swedes light the firecrackers and throw them back.

[Mustaine]

A Norwegian road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the Norwegian explained.

[Nilsen]

LOL Mustaine

[Yeager]

I am offended and demand that this thread be deleted

[Kaw1000]

[Nilsen]