Subject: Outsourcing
Congress today announced that the office of President of the
United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March
30th, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000
yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit
expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during
the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost
savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds
(R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office,
hás studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot
expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current
level of cash outlay,"Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his
termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for
sometime.
Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will
be assuming the Office of President as of March 30th.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian
parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible
for the position.
He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no
health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his
Job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time
difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily
at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the
American Express call center" stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive
interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I
would be President someday."
A Congressional Spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may
not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of
President, this should not be a problem because Mr. Bush was not
familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script
tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of
concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common
concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr.
Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has
abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear
intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary
until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting
period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13
weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his
unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of
Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his
upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A
Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive
experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas
Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague, but
should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco,
TX for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush,
who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the
Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a
warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided
with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
