Things not to do as a soldier especially in a combat zone

[Dichotomy]

My brother in law did a tour in Iraq and is going back in December.  Last tour he and his squad mates came up with 337 specific things NOT to do.  The list is long but I think everybody can find one or two to laugh at.  If you like the first 50 let me know and I'll post some more.

So, without further preamble, I present to you the list.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is Specialist Richardson not Princess Anastasia

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5 Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play Pulp Fiction with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add In accordance with the prophesy to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product Get Over it.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.

11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to Sic Brass!

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my Samson like powers.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous Barbie Girl Dance while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a banana.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that We kicked your bellybutton in World War 2!

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after Me frosted lucky charms.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing sympathy for the devil during tank table eight (i drove a tank, in the generals ranks, when the blitzkrieg raged and the fires stank)

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is not allowed to give out those morphine packets, nor am I allowed to browse through his AO seeking them.

38. Our supply Sgt is not Sam Walton.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. Keep on Trucking is not a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for magic beans.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

[Bronk]

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.






Bronk

[Sandman]

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

or

http://www.hitechcreations.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=169278

or

http://www.hitechcreations.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=125452

or

http://www.hitechcreations.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=107720

[Mustaine]

sandy beat me.... there are hilarious though... but wasn't it posted in here just like 2 days ago?

and here's another link:

http://www.daft.com/~torin/skippy.html

[Dichotomy]

thanks for pointing that out I haven't been reading this forum

I reread it every now and then and, knowing his warped sense of humor, can actually see him pulling some of those stunts.

here's some additions to the list

214. Paint your face in the style of a wicked clown and threaten the populace with a hatchet
215. Paint your face in the style of a wicked clown and threaten your fellow soldiers.
216. Crawl into the platoon sergeants bed.
217. Crawl under the platoon sergeants bed.
218. Order cases of Vaseline over the internet
219. Deliver Vaseline to the officers
220. No matter how hard you may try, you are not Radar O’Riley, and whomever may be on the other end of the radio IS NOT sparky.
221. Wear a bra, tampon (whatever form you can imagine), female undergarments, make up, face paint, or temporary tattoos, even if they make you feel sexy
222. A Mohawk cannot be referred to as a “really high and tight”
223. Attending suicide prevention classes does NOT make you a psychologist.
224. You may not bring any remote controlled vehicle to theatre.
225. May not use same on patrols
226. May not use same to search for IEDS
227. May not glue anything inflatable on same.
228. May not wear anything pink
229. “what the f*#$ , over?” is not good radio discipline.
230. A humvee is not a tank.
231. Neither is any civilian vehicle.
232. May not sporadically strip search the local truck drivers.
233. Attempt to make ones own beer.
234. Attempt to make beer in the name of Catholicism
235. Sacrifice any living animal
236. Sacrifice a dead one
237. For any purpose
238. Convince the less intelligent that the battalion commander wants to speak with him
In person
239. About homosexuality
240. Argue the merits of anal sex with the chaplain
241. Wire up any military vehicle for stereo, even if it looks cool
242. Redo the paint job on any military vehicle with paint ordered online.
243. Redo the paint job on the commanders humvee, even with authorized paint
244. Put patterns in the camo
245. Sew tent flaps shut
246. Place plywood over sewn tent flaps
247. Make s’mores in the tent
248. Make s’mores on guard duty
249. Make s’mores
250. Attempt to break the land speed record for a bicycle by being pulled by any military vehicle
251. Take a vow of silence
252. Ask an officer why?
253. Assume that because someone has a degree and training to be an officer, they are good at their job
254. Inform an officer that they aren’t
255. Change your call sign every time you touch the handmic
256. Sell your platoon for product endorsement.
257. Sell the free stuff the company sent you for endorsement
258. Design your base on simcity
259. If the words “bet I can” are involved, its off limits
260. Same goes for “watch this”
261. Cannot secure any leaderships personal items to prove that they do not keep adequate watch over them
262. Cannot attempt to sell same items back
263. Just because you are BIGGER then someone you outrank, they still win the argument
264. “I’m bigger” is not a proper answer to why
265. Make up songs, limericks, rhymes, sonnets, or any other phrasing about the current mission
266. Teach children of a foreign nation how to sing along with the Insane Clown Posse
267. Juggalo is not a religion.
268. Being the only juggalo doesn’t entitle you to a chaplain
269. Argue with any chaplain over any religious topic, serious or not
270. Win the argument
271. Make fun of the chaplain in church
272. Stroll naked except your helmet and ballistic vest through the area
273. Wear a loincloth, even if you are half Indian.
274. Attempt to spell out any messages in sandbags, humvees, trenches, or any other medium that can be read by the helicopters
275. Hand out cigarettes to the local children
276. Print your own newspaper
277. Switch MOS at will
278. Attempt to purchase any local children
279. Alter your uniform to fit your whim
280. But rank that you don’t hold and convince the marines you ARE that rank
281. Misinform the marines on army policy
282. There is no purpose for helium in a tent
283. Make “snow” men out of sand
284. Sunbathe
285. Attempt to start a nudist movement
286. Release insects of any form into a tent
287. Especially your own
288. Declare your area its own country
289. As popular as it would be, the army is NOT a democracy
290. “the right way, the wrong way, and the military way” is not a fitting phrase for any military document
291. Keep a rocket launcher under your rack
292. Have paintballs or any method of launching them
293. Start a cult of any kind
294. Make a nudist calendar of your platoon
295. With or without their knowledge
296. Create new military forms complete with serial numbers.
297. Make the support elements fill them out in triplicate
298. Post “missing” ads
299. Make up serial numbers for everything you own, then demand supply hand receipt them to you
300. Steal the first sergeants uniform
301. WEAR the first sergeants uniform
302. If someone says ”hold on, I gotta get a picture of this” stop what you’re doing
303. Challenge and passwords that are comprised of six or more syllables or in a foreign language are NOT acceptable.
304. Place gay swinger ads with pictures of your chain of command.
305. Use blacklights
306. “it puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again” does not go out over the radio
307. Empty fifty caliber rounds and attempt to make your own fire works
308. Form a hammock of any material
309. Make a cocktail of Nyquil, Listerine, and “cherry” juice from home.
310. Make pornography of any nature
311. Drawing boobies on any surface is not considered art
312. Yodel
313. Make balloon animals
314. Make balloon animals out of condoms from the medics
315. Use sac-crete for personal reasons
316. Build a throne out of sandbags
317. A humvees is NOT a dune buggy
318. Nor is it a swamp buggy
319. Buy a goat, kid, bird, pig, or any form of life from a village
320. Sneak any live creature into base in humvees.
321. SPC. Richardson is NOT authorized to operate any combat vehicle other then a humvees or Tank
322. A bulldozer is not a combat vehicle
323. Nor is a sedan
324. Cannot redecorate the tent in “tiki bar” motif.
325. Superglue cans together for any purpose
326. Superglue Anything together
327. Spc Richardson may not own superglue for any reason
328. Spc Richardson may not own JB Weld for the same reason
329. “Blow me” is not a sufficient answer to any question
330. Neither is a blank stare
331. “sniper check” should not be said while saluting
332. Techno versions of the army song are not allowed
333. “Spc Obi wan kenobe” is not in my platoon
334. If it requires a lock cutter, its not a good idea
335. Write the FRG and asking for nudie pics
336. Start referring to yourself in third person
337. Forego your weapon in favor of a bayonet.

[Maverick]

Those are Skippyisms. HFunny as all get out however. Hang in there Skippy!