LOOOOONNNNGGG set of AF/Aviation humor

[Ouch]

Instructor to student : If a bird had your flying ability - it would fly backwards.
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At one point, we were all primary students, understanding little, questioning even less, but placing complete faith in our instructor. Many of the little things necessary to get through the first few lessons before solo were done by rote, without a great deal of understanding. Such as ensuring anyone on the ground near the airplane was aware the prop was about to spin.

One instructor was working with a pre-solo student. Instead of using the phrase, "Clear prop!" before turning the key, the instructor had simply taught his pupil to use the word "Clear!", presumably shouted loudly enough that those inside the FBO could hear. Of course, primary students rarely fly in poor weather.

One day, preflight complete, the student reached for the key, looked outside the airplane, and shouted, "Cloudy!"
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A military flight student was chopped from training and was due to be reposted. Asked for
his preferences he replied: AA. "If I don't fly - nobody will"
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From the "squawk sheets":
-Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
-Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

-Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
-Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

-Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." -Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
-Problem #2:"#1,#3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

-Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
-Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

-Problem: Weather radar went apesh*t
-Solution: Opened radome, chased out ape, cleaned up sh*t.

-Problem: Knocking sound heard in #3 engine cowl, sounds like little man with hammer.
-Solution: Opened #3 engine cowl, located little man, took hammer away.

-Problem: Whining noise heard in cockpit after engine shutdown.
-Solution: Removed pilot from aircraft.
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Flight instructor to a student : "If your flying knowledge were written on a matchbox, there would be an ampleroom left for the Old Testament and few chapters from the new".
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An F-15 pilot's definition of the F-16 : "The quickest method of hauling a spare engine for my plane."
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It is a little-known fact that Santa has to keep his pilot's license current in order to make his deliveries every year, and so the old man wasn't too surprised when he got a letter from the FAA informing him that an examiner would be appearing shortly to run him through the usual recertification drill. A detail of elves was sent out to wash and polish the sleigh, another group was assigned to inspect, service, and repair all the tack, and a
third squad started curry-combing the reindeer. Santa himself got out his logbook and the rest of the paperwork and made sure that it was all in order.

On the appointed day the examiner arrived, and after the ritual cup of coffee, he went over Santa's log and the paperwork, then followed Santa outside. After a meticulous review of Santa's weight and balance calculations, the examiner watched Santa do the preflight, then followed behind him, looking closely at everything from the bells on the back of the sleigh to Rudolph's nose. When he finished, he turned to Santa and said: "It looks pretty
good so far. Let me get one thing out of my bags and then we'll take her up."

When the examiner got back, Santa was in the sleigh and ready to taxi. As the examiner climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that he was carrying a shotgun. "What's THAT for?" Santa asked. The examiner looked at him, then winked: "I really shouldn't tell you this, but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."
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What do you have when you've got ten F-14s in the air at the same time? One hell of a maintainance team!
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Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95  (yeah right, but still funny)
#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course. #1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
#1: ...
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On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a controller with a similar problem.

He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was  transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where he was being sent.

There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:

"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor. "
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Back before Western Airlines was consumed by Delta I was taxing for takeoff at LAX. A Western DC-10 was doing likewise.

The ground controller was so busy she was talking continuously without even breathing. An F-27 commuter had landed on RW 25R and turned on to the "connector" taxiway just ahead of the Western DC-10 creating a possible conflict. The F-27 hadn't contacted ground control yet.

She gave the Western a call: GC: Western 123, use caution for the F-27. I'm not talking to him yet. W123: (A really quick witted co-pilot, no doubt) Roger, we see the little Fokker.

Total silence on ground freq. for about 2 minutes!

Joe Vincent FedEx DC-10 Cap.
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Military Bravery

One day, a general of the Army, an Admiral, and an Air Force General are having an argument about whose branch of the military is braver.

So the Admiral yells to a passing Sailor, "Sailor, catch that falling anchor!" The Sailor snaps to attention, shouts, "Yes, sir!", runs under the anchor, and is crushed to death trying to catch it. The Admiral turns to the others and says "Gentlemen, that was bravery."

The Army General says, "That's nothing," and yells, "Private, stop that moving tank!" The Private snaps to attention, shouts "Yes, sir!" and is crushed under the tank while trying to stop it. The Army General turns back to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took guts."

Finally, the Air Force General takes his turn. "Airman, catch that landing plane." The Airman snaps to attention and shouts "F*ck you, sir." The Air Force General turns to the others and says, "Gentlemen, that took balls."
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Late one afternoon, the Air Force guys out at Area 51 are surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impound the aircraft and haul the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story is that he took off out of Vegas, got lost and found the base just as he was about to run out of fuel. They Air Force
starts a full FBI background check on the guy and hold him overnight. The next day they are finally convinced that the guy really was lost and is not a spy. They gas up his airplane, give him a terrifying "you did not see a base" briefing complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison. They say Vegas is that-a-way on this heading and send him off.

The next day, here comes the Cessna again. Once again the MPs surround the plane, only this time there are two people in the plane. The same pilot jumps out and says" do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night....."
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One mouse tells her girlfriend she dates a bat... - What is this "thing" you are dating ? - It's a bat - It's a mousewith wings ! - But he is so ugly ! - Well, yes. But he is a pilot !
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After a DC-10 crash, McDonnell Douglas ordered the operators of the aircraft to ground the aircraft until getting the FAA investigation results...

This instruction went down to an East European company operating MD aircraft; They grounded two DC-3 and one DC-4 they owned.
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How did the west find out about STOL performance of the Soviet aircraft ?

This comes from a top secret recording describing what happened at a soviet cockpit during approach to JFK at IFR conditions:
Captain : "500 ft. low visibility, runway seems to be short. Co-pilot, lower flaps to 30 degrees..."
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 30.. check."
Captain : "300 ft, low visibility, runway looks very short...
Co-pilot, lowerto 45 degrees !!!"
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down at 45...check."
Captain : "100 ft !!! Runway very short !!! Co-pilot, lowerflaps to emergency - 90 degrees down !!! "
Co-Pilot: "Flaps down to 90 degrees ready to land...check." Aircraft lands and breaks immediately...
Captain : "*wipes off the sweets and sighs*... "Ohh they make the runways so short in the west...."
Co-pilot: "Yes...*points out the window*...but they are so wide..."
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A SABENA airliner pulls up behind a KLM airliner on a crowded taxiway.
SABENA to KLM on tower freq: "KLM holding number 4 come up 3030 (303.3 Unicom)." After a few minutes they call again "KLM holding number 3 come up 3030."
Still no response so they call tower : "Tower tell the KLM aircraft ahead of SABENA 123 to come up on 3030"
Just then the KLM crew jumps in and says, "Tower please tell the SABENA Aircraft that the professionals at KLM Dutch Airlines don't come up on discreet frequencies when they should be monitoring tower."
The SABENA Aircraft then replies, "Okay tower, that's no problem but could you just let the professionals at KLM know that their gear pins are still in."
(A moment of silence)
KLM : Tower, KLM 3030 needs to return to the gate.
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A 747 airline pulls up behind a C-5. The 747 calls the C-5 and asks "what are you guys grossing today."

In a somewhat cocky tone the C-5 crew says "50 to a 100 thousand pound more than you. What are you guys grossing today."

After a slight pause the 747 comes back and says, "oh about 50 to a 100 thousand dollars more than you."
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True Story : Texas Air Guard Attacks House With Sidewinder

On August 15, a F-16C of the 182FS, Texas ANG, based out of Kelly AFB encountered engine difficulties during a flight. The pilot jettisoned his wing drop tanks and training Sidewinder rounds. One of the Sidewinders crashed through a two story house, went through it's garage, and ended up sitting in the driveway. A woman, the lone occupant of the house, was shaken, but not injured. The aircraft recovered back at Kelly AFB safely.
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Why does the Pope kiss the ground each time that he lands ?

Did you ever fly with Alitalia ?
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An airlines manual report describing plane crash : "Involuntary conversion of a 727..."
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True Story : At the Oceana, Va, Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and, when looked back, discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach.
"You'll have to send him aound again," I informed the trainee.
"What?" he said, surpised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't put them in reverse?"
- AD2 John G. Rutgers -
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C'MON BABY, CLIMB!

Paul Harvey's radio newscast told of an airline pilot in Arizona who rear-ended a car in front of him while driving home from work one night. He told the traffic court judge that it was late, he was tired, and when he saw the car ahead and realized he couldn't stop in time, he slammed on the gas and pulled back on the steering wheel, fully expecting to go up and over. Verdict: unknown.
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AVFlash 2-28

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you. "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and peoplewere late, they were no longer angry at United.

James Stevens
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Definition of jet lag : "finding your wallet in the refrigerator and not remembering what you did with the milk".
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The Workplace Blunder of the Week An airport security officer opened a suspicious looking box, licking his finger before dipping it into the powder and putting it in his mouth to taste. "Well, it's not a narcotic," he said, sure of himself. At that moment, a distraught elderly woman tottered along the aisle and asked the stewardess if she had happened to come across a small engraved casket. It apparently contained her husband's ashes.
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Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.

"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
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A practice flight for the Mattias Rust Memorial Invasion Squadron : 650,000 Cessna 172's carrying one 850lb bomb each, which will equal the bomb load of the entire fleet of B2s, for less than the cost of ONE B2!
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Pilot: "Outer marker, inbound."

Tower: "Roger, cleared to land, winds 270 at 21, gusting 29, heavy rain, severe turbulence below 300, RVR 2,000 feet."

Pilot: "Roger--cleared to land--and oh, let us know if it gets any worse."

Tower: "WORSE?!"
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In response to a controller remarking on the speed of his plane, the pilot replied "If Robert E. Lee had one of these, we'd need a visa to get into Pennsylvania".

In response to how he checked the weather,

"I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says:

'When colour of card matches colour of sky, FLY!'"

-Gordon Baxter
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A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turnaround and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

Audobon Society Magazine
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A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Parachutists are good to the last drop

(found on a bumper sticker from a parachute school!)
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Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting! "

Pilot: "Not if I do it right."
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Hi there,

He re are a couple of stories you might like to here... I've only been flying for a year so I don't have that many...

An incident I heard of was when a Welsh student pilot (who was the butt of many jokes), was leaving the squadron after his 3 years was up. On his final circuit, while he was turning onto finals...

Anon.: *Dodgy Welsh Accent* This is Evans the pilot, on finals to land...

Another story I was told...

A guy takes a fellow pilot flying in his sea plane, and they decide to do a few approaches at the friend's airfield.  At the last moment before touchdown the owner says,

"NOOOO, Go around, we've got floats remember?"

After an uneventfull landing at a nearby lake the owner, whilst getting out of the plane says : "Thanks for reminding me, that could have been very embarrassing back there"

After which he stepped right into the lake...
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Ok.... this was overheard on the RAF Woodvale Approach frequency last summer, when a student was doing practice emergencies...

Student: MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, Uniform Alpha 2 Uh..
*Silence*
Sorry... Practice Pan, Practice Pan, Practice Pan....
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Another one I heard of,

A visiting four ship formation of American F-15's were visiting RAF Benson...

ATC to Lead F15 : *Callsign* Turn deadside.

Lead F15 : Uh... whats deadside?

Anonumous RAF Pilot : Break Left NOW!!!
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My instructor on my first lesson,

Instructor: Now watch carefull... stick backward *pulls stick back* trees get smaller see? Now... stick forward... *pushes stick forward* trees get bigger... and bigger... and bigger...

Having completed my first solo on Bulldogs, I taxied back to ATC to pick up my instructor, as he was watching me from the tower.

ATC : Uniform 45, can you confirm that you are behind the tower?

Instructor: Yes, Uniform 45.

ATC : Oh right, it's just we couldn't see you behind the buildings.

*Silence*

Instructor: Stealth...
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What's the difference between God and pilots?

God doesn't think he's a pilot.
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Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing-collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.

The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?"

"Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
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A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.

Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"

The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."
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The Greatest Lies in Aviation

Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
 I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing. I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
 I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in an F-16.
We shipped the part yesterday.
I'd love to have a woman WSO.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in the military aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
I've got the field in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
I'm SURE the gear was down.
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Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.

Instructor : Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?"

Student pulls out a flashlight.

Student : "I get out my flashlight."

Instructor grabs flashlight.

Instructor : "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"

Student pulls out another flashlight.

Student : "I get out my other flashlight."

Instructor grabs next flashlight.

Instructor : "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"

Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.

Student : "I use this flashlight."

Instructor grabs this one too.

Instructor : "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"

Student : "I use this glow stick."

Instructor : "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
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"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."
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Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow working his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For acouple of these "flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seen passing through his airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and headed back there. The checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After the ri de the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the totals.

"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.

"Sure is," says the candidate.

"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.
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If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
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Commandments of Helicopter Flying.

He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him. Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc  restoring thine Translational Lift. Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is the area of destruction. Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for without them he shall surely perish.
Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise and smite thee. Thou shall not make trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone. T hou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the way to destruction. He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution. He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens children. Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.
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The Top 15 Advertising Slogans for Delta Air Lines:

Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think it's so easy, get your own damm plane!
Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
Delta: We might be landing on your street!
Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
So that's what these buttons do!
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.
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Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.
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Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back.I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:

Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballisticflight was like and pulled thejet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows,"Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."
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The Pilot's Prayer

Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions (*) As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. Roger.
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What's the purpose of the propeller?

To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out offuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
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This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrumentpattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final;reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33,helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2miles ahead of you;

------------------
Ouch out
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For Bug reporting. System:
Celeron 300a oc to 450mhz
Viper 770 (TNT2)
64 meg ram
Sound Blaser 16
gigs and gigs of mp3's... I mean hd space
Logitech cordless Mouseman+ (4 buttons & wheel)

[eazydweeb]

Heres some more aviation garbage  

some are double and some are in German but I'm too lazy to filter them  


TOWER : Say altitude.
PILOT : altitude.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Say cancel IFR!

Neulich ueber Italien:

ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, heading 210. ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, maintaining FL 290.
ATC : REACH 734A, i say again, request your speed in Mach!
PILOT : REACH 734A, roger, maintaining heading 210.
UNKNOWN: Hey Reach, what is the name of your wife?
PILOT : REACH 734A, Mach .74

PILOT : Tower, give me a rough time check!
TOWER : It's tuesday...

TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....

PILOT : Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar OscarKilo established ILS 16.
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16 , wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
PILOT : (Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed
the outer marker. TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more : you are appoaching Vienna!
PILOT : (Nach einer weiteren Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
TOWER : You can believe me, this is Vienna!
PILOT : (....Denkpause....) But why??We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger.Discontinue approach, turn left 060 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.

TOWER : Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen sie ueber Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und Mike zum GAC.
PILOT : AEH...Teerweg zwo...??
TOWER : Das ist der kleine rechts.Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt.
PILOT : Sorry.
TOWER : Don't worry , nehmen sie den Mike.
PILOT : Aeh, ...Mike??
TOWER : Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts....

PILOT : Condor 471, gibt's hier keinen Follow-me ?
TOWER : Negativ, sehen Sie mal zu, wie Sie allein zum Gate 10 kommen.

PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.

CONTROLLER : Phatom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !!
PILOT : I'm not silly...!!

PILOT: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Pilot: »Radar, N 878, it's very bumpy here at FL 80.«

Controller. »N 878, roger, do you request descend'?«

Pilot: »My wife yes, but it's okay for me.«

Controller. »Citation 584, if you stop ca11ing me Center I'11 stop calling you a twin Cessna

Controller. »AF 1733, you are on an eight mile final for 27 R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you an final. Reduce speed to 130
knots.«

Pilot: »Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots for you.«

Controller (etwas später): »AF 33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one and a half miles ahead of you. Reduce speed further to 110 knots.«

Pilot: »AF thirty-three reducing this bird back further to 110 knots.«

Controller. »AF 33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you. Reduce speed to 90 knots.«

Pilot: »Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this C-130 is?«

Controller. »No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.«

Controller November, turn right and report your heading.«

Pilot: »Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343... «

Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): »Und was ist Ihr Typ?«

Pilot: »Rothaarig.

Pilot: »Approach, Federate 303 is with you at 8000 feet for vectors ILS, full stop.«

Controller: »Unable Federate 303. The ILS is out of service.«

Pilot: »We'11 take VOR then.«

Controller. »Sir, the VOR is in alarm right now! «

Pilot: »Okay, guess it'11 have to be the ADF then.«

Controller. »303, unable. The ADF is down due to traffic saturation.«

Pilot: »Okay, approach, state my intentions.«

Segelflugschüler (nach seinem Standort gefragt): »... äh, Hotel Bravo 1630 downhill.«

Lufthansa-Pilot {Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): »Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie
wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'«

ControHer. »Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie
dann zusammenstoßen.«

Pilot: »Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher.«

Tower.' »Alitalia 439, line up and wait runway 23L.«

Pilot: »Roger, line up and wait, Alitalia 23L.«

Tower: »N2234, are you a Cessna?«

Pilot »No Sir, I'm a male Hispanic.«

Pilot: »Hannover Radar, N1234A request simulated ILS approach.«

Controller. »N1234A continue approach, expect simulated ILS runway 09 left. Make sure you stay clear of clouds.«

Pilot »N1234A roger.« (nach einer Weile)

Control1er. »N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 lee. Make sure, you stay clear of clouds.«

Pilot: » N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 left - (irritiert) but, Sir, we haven't seen any clouds from here to the Netherlands.«

Controller. » Yes, I know, bot I'm still afraid, I have to tel1you this.«

Verirrter Flugschüler. »Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead. Identify yourself.«

Fluglehrer (während einer Überlandeinweisung): »By the way: what is the purpose of the propeller?«

Flugschüler. »To keep the airplane constantly flying.«

Fluglehrer. »Right. And what e1se?«

Flugschüler. »???«

Fluglehrer. »To keep the pilot constantly cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch you sweat.«

Pilot: »Washington Radar, United 916, we have just been struck by a tremendous lightning! «

Controller. »United 916, roger, do you have any problems? «

Pilot: »Not really, we just have to change our under-wear.«

Pilot: »Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous pigeons on short final.«

Tower: »Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land.«

Controller: »Speedbird 12, are you on heading?«

Pilot: »We are always on heading.«

Tower erteilt einer AUA MD-80 die Landefreigabe und schaut verwundert, als statt der erwarteten MD-80 eine Boeing 737 einer anderen
alpenländischen Fluggesellschaft landet: »Austrian 187, did you change the aircraft?«

Pilot: »Negative, Sir, just the callsign.«

Controller: »NFD 1234, expect radar vectors for runway 09....pick up any desired heading to avoid built ups.

Pilot: »Tower, Delta Alpha Whiskey, ahhh...«

Tower: »Ahhh, what'?«

Pilot: »Alpha Whiskey.«


Pilot: »Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden.«

Turm: »Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino

Controller: Delta Papa Rodeo, Ihre Position, bitte.«

Pilot: »Standby, meine Karte hat da ein Loch.«

Pilot: »Tower, say again, reading you only five!«

Controller. »CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?«

Pilot: »More or less.« Controller. »So proceed a little bit more to SUL.«

Pilot: »Berlin Tower, X-Line 123, heading 310, altitude 3000 feet, approaching localizer from left to right, DME 11 decima16 Nautical Miles,
will report established.«

Controller. »Tach, marker!«

Pilot (on second try to find the runway):

»Delta Hotel Oscar, are there sheep on the runway?«

ATC: »YES,YES!!.«

Pilot: »well, then I'm downwind12.«

An obvious student in a AH Jeffco

Cessna 152: Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final, for ah runway ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as
possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground:Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.

A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.

Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g , very l..o..n..g pause.

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES
AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;

TOWER:95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER:95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER:95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.

TOWER:95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the
middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!

Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:

(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:

PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.

PILOT : Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
GROUND : Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan.What is your destination?
PILOT : Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig.
GROUND : Aber, aehh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag!
PILOT : WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!

CONTROLLER : Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two houres ago?
PILOT : Negativ, Sir.It's only the same pilot.

PILOT : Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light.
LOTSE : Ich hoffe da brennen mehrere.
PILOT : Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt!

TOWER : Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway.
PILOT : Roger, we'll check the car on the runway.

CONTROLLER : Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?
PILOT : Affirm, but we don't receive it!

TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.

PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!

TOWER: Paris tower to all aircraft, QNH is now 1017hPa.
PILOT: How come? Did everybody open their windows?

TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions
on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.

CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?

PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.

PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!

CONTROLLER (in Stuttgart) : Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
PILOT : Das is ja wie in Frankfurt.Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten....aber wir sind ja flexibel.
CONTROLLER : Wir auch!Reduce to 173 knots.

CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....


Luftschlacht um England.

Eine Bf 109, vom Verband abgeplatzt, auf dem Rueckflug ueber den Kanal :
"Ich bin allein, ich bin ganz allein !"
Unbekannte Stimme im FT : "Halt die Schnauze, bloeder Hund, Du bist nicht allein. Eine Spitfire haengt an Deinem Arsch !".

Luftschlacht um England.

Eine Bf 110, mit einem zerschossenen Motor einen Jaegerplatz ansteuernd :
"Achtung, Achtung, mache Einmotorenlandung. Platz frei, Platz frei !".
Darauf die Stimme eines Bf 109-Jaegers :
"Reg Dich nicht auf, ich mache immer Einmotorenlandungen!"

Ahlhorn

Einem juengeren Piloten, der mit einer Do 27 eine Wochentagslandung gemacht hatte, gab Ahlhorn Tower die "Rollanweisung": "Now jump
left to apron".


Ueber dem Atlantik, in den 70er Jahren.

Eine SR 71 Blackbird fliegt nach einem Besuch bei der Luftfahrtshow in Farnborough ueber den Atlantik zurueck in die USA. Die SR 71
meldet sich bei Atlantic Control und schliesst an : "Request Level 600."
Der Controller, offensichtlich mit der Performance einer SR 71 nicht vertraut: "If you can reach, then cleared Level 600."
Darauf die SR 71 : "Roger, leaving 800 for 600."

Unbestaetigten Geruechten zufolge, weist das Mikro des Controllers seit damals deutliche Bissspuren auf.


This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.

Southend National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft. ATC:
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
NAA676: Southend, 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am
returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!

AIRCRAFT: I'm diddlying bored!
F/S Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself
AIRCRAFT: I said I was diddlying bored, not diddlying stupid!

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot,
but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold
while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the
last airplane that landed there.

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending
in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told
me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are
designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.

I'm a commercial pilot, and a couple of years ago I was listening to the scanner late at night near DFW airport. I heard the following true to life
exchange (the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but it was DFW tower).

DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."
Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."
Lonestar: "Tower, we hit something."
DFW Tower: YOU DID WHAT???
Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. Ya know, some sort of road kill or something."
DFW Tower: "UPS 31 HEAVY, be advised company that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."
UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"

NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"