Heres some more aviation garbage

some are double and some are in German but I'm too lazy to filter them

TOWER : Say altitude.
PILOT : altitude.
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Say cancel IFR!
Neulich ueber Italien:
ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, say your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, heading 210. ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, say again.
ATC : REACH 734A, request your speed in Mach.
PILOT : REACH 734A, maintaining FL 290.
ATC : REACH 734A, i say again, request your speed in Mach!
PILOT : REACH 734A, roger, maintaining heading 210.
UNKNOWN: Hey Reach, what is the name of your wife?
PILOT : REACH 734A, Mach .74
PILOT : Tower, give me a rough time check!
TOWER : It's tuesday...
TOWER : Say fuelstate.
PILOT : fuelstate.
TOWER : Say again.
PILOT : again.
TOWER : Arghl,give me your fuel!!
PILOT : Sorry, need it by myself.....
PILOT : Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar OscarKilo established ILS 16.
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16 , wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower.
PILOT : (Nach einer Denkpause) Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed
the outer marker. TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more : you are appoaching Vienna!
PILOT : (Nach einer weiteren Denkpause) Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?
TOWER : You can believe me, this is Vienna!
PILOT : (....Denkpause....) But why??We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!
TOWER : Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger.Discontinue approach, turn left 060 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava.
TOWER : Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen sie ueber Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und Mike zum GAC.
PILOT : AEH...Teerweg zwo...??
TOWER : Das ist der kleine rechts.Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt.
PILOT : Sorry.
TOWER : Don't worry , nehmen sie den Mike.
PILOT : Aeh, ...Mike??
TOWER : Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts....
PILOT : Condor 471, gibt's hier keinen Follow-me ?
TOWER : Negativ, sehen Sie mal zu, wie Sie allein zum Gate 10 kommen.
PILOT : ....Tower, please call me a fuel truck.
TOWER : Roger.You are a fuel truck.
CONTROLLER : Phatom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your callsign !!
PILOT : I'm not silly...!!
PILOT: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
TOWER: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
PILOT: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Pilot: »Radar, N 878, it's very bumpy here at FL 80.«
Controller. »N 878, roger, do you request descend'?«
Pilot: »My wife yes, but it's okay for me.«
Controller. »Citation 584, if you stop ca11ing me Center I'11 stop calling you a twin Cessna
Controller. »AF 1733, you are on an eight mile final for 27 R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you an final. Reduce speed to 130
knots.«
Pilot: »Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots for you.«
Controller (etwas später): »AF 33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one and a half miles ahead of you. Reduce speed further to 110 knots.«
Pilot: »AF thirty-three reducing this bird back further to 110 knots.«
Controller. »AF 33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you. Reduce speed to 90 knots.«
Pilot: »Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this C-130 is?«
Controller. »No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.«
Controller November, turn right and report your heading.«
Pilot: »Wilco, 340, 341, 342, 343... «
Turm (fragt ergänzend nach dem Flugzeugmuster): »Und was ist Ihr Typ?«
Pilot: »Rothaarig.
Pilot: »Approach, Federate 303 is with you at 8000 feet for vectors ILS, full stop.«
Controller: »Unable Federate 303. The ILS is out of service.«
Pilot: »We'11 take VOR then.«
Controller. »Sir, the VOR is in alarm right now! «
Pilot: »Okay, guess it'11 have to be the ADF then.«
Controller. »303, unable. The ADF is down due to traffic saturation.«
Pilot: »Okay, approach, state my intentions.«
Segelflugschüler (nach seinem Standort gefragt): »... äh, Hotel Bravo 1630 downhill.«
Lufthansa-Pilot {Im Anflug auf Berlin kurz nach dem Brünkendorf VOR): »Warum holen Sie uns denn schon so früh so weit runter? Sie
wissen doch, daß das Fliegen in derart niedriger Höhe für uns sehr unwirtschaftlich ist.'«
ControHer. »Ja, Sie müssen schon entschuldigen, aber wir haben sehr viel Verkehr von Tegel aus in Ihre Richtung, und mit dem könnten Sie
dann zusammenstoßen.«
Pilot: »Na, das wäre ja noch viel unwirtschaftlicher.«
Tower.' »Alitalia 439, line up and wait runway 23L.«
Pilot: »Roger, line up and wait, Alitalia 23L.«
Tower: »N2234, are you a Cessna?«
Pilot »No Sir, I'm a male Hispanic.«
Pilot: »Hannover Radar, N1234A request simulated ILS approach.«
Controller. »N1234A continue approach, expect simulated ILS runway 09 left. Make sure you stay clear of clouds.«
Pilot »N1234A roger.« (nach einer Weile)
Control1er. »N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 lee. Make sure, you stay clear of clouds.«
Pilot: » N1234A cleared for simulated ILS approach 09 left - (irritiert) but, Sir, we haven't seen any clouds from here to the Netherlands.«
Controller. » Yes, I know, bot I'm still afraid, I have to tel1you this.«
Verirrter Flugschüler. »Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead. Identify yourself.«
Fluglehrer (während einer Überlandeinweisung): »By the way: what is the purpose of the propeller?«
Flugschüler. »To keep the airplane constantly flying.«
Fluglehrer. »Right. And what e1se?«
Flugschüler. »???«
Fluglehrer. »To keep the pilot constantly cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch you sweat.«
Pilot: »Washington Radar, United 916, we have just been struck by a tremendous lightning! «
Controller. »United 916, roger, do you have any problems? «
Pilot: »Not really, we just have to change our under-wear.«
Pilot: »Santa Monica Tower, be advised that there are numerous pigeons on short final.«
Tower: »Roger. They are all on frequency and cleared to land.«
Controller: »Speedbird 12, are you on heading?«
Pilot: »We are always on heading.«
Tower erteilt einer AUA MD-80 die Landefreigabe und schaut verwundert, als statt der erwarteten MD-80 eine Boeing 737 einer anderen
alpenländischen Fluggesellschaft landet: »Austrian 187, did you change the aircraft?«
Pilot: »Negative, Sir, just the callsign.«
Controller: »NFD 1234, expect radar vectors for runway 09....pick up any desired heading to avoid built ups.
Pilot: »Tower, Delta Alpha Whiskey, ahhh...«
Tower: »Ahhh, what'?«
Pilot: »Alpha Whiskey.«
Pilot: »Delta Echo Delta Victor Golf, Standort Teerweg 4, erbitte Platzanweisung für einige Platzrunden.«
Turm: »Delta Victor Golf, Platzanweisung gibt's im Kino
Controller: Delta Papa Rodeo, Ihre Position, bitte.«
Pilot: »Standby, meine Karte hat da ein Loch.«
Pilot: »Tower, say again, reading you only five!«
Controller. »CRX 500, are you on course to SUL?«
Pilot: »More or less.« Controller. »So proceed a little bit more to SUL.«
Pilot: »Berlin Tower, X-Line 123, heading 310, altitude 3000 feet, approaching localizer from left to right, DME 11 decima16 Nautical Miles,
will report established.«
Controller. »Tach, marker!«
Pilot (on second try to find the runway):
»Delta Hotel Oscar, are there sheep on the runway?«
ATC: »YES,YES!!.«
Pilot: »well, then I'm downwind12.«
An obvious student in a AH Jeffco
Cessna 152: Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final, for ah runway ah 11...
Jeffco Tower: You're not on final. Final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!
PILOT: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as
possible.
ATC:QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
PILOT: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC:Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground:Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.
A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider being flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy muffler.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned off the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g , very l..o..n..g pause.
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES
AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;
TOWER:95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER:95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER:95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
TOWER:95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the
middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!
Anyway, I heard these two on the air this week:
(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.
My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.
PILOT : Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up.
GROUND : Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan.What is your destination?
PILOT : Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig.
GROUND : Aber, aehh, wir haben heute doch Dienstag!
PILOT : WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei!
CONTROLLER : Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two houres ago?
PILOT : Negativ, Sir.It's only the same pilot.
PILOT : Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light.
LOTSE : Ich hoffe da brennen mehrere.
PILOT : Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt!
TOWER : Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway.
PILOT : Roger, we'll check the car on the runway.
CONTROLLER : Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?
PILOT : Affirm, but we don't receive it!
TOWER: PH-ABC, check you have the gear down?
PILOT: Sir, it has been down since this aircraft was built.
PILOT: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
GROUND: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
PILOT: Please confirm, two hours delay?
GROUND: Affirmative.
PILOT: In that case, cancel the good morning!
TOWER: Paris tower to all aircraft, QNH is now 1017hPa.
PILOT: How come? Did everybody open their windows?
TOWER: Mission 1234, your are cleared to...via...and via...After take off... and...then...climb to...and further...and descend...further instructions
on frequency...or...and squawk...Acknowledge please!
PILOT: Roger tower, we are cancelling IFR.
CONTROLLER : Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476.
PILOT : Say again.
CONTROLLER : Squawk 0476.
PILOT : Four, zero....?
CONTROLLER : Wollen sie nen leichteren haben?
PILOT : Tower,request permission to enter zone XY.
TOWER : Negative!
PILOT : Did you say negative ?
TOWER : Affirmative
PILOT : Understood affirmative.I will call you leaving the zone.
PILOT : Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?
TOWER : Yes.
PILOT : Yes,what?
TOWER : Yes,SIR!
CONTROLLER (in Stuttgart) : Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots.
PILOT : Das is ja wie in Frankfurt.Da gibts auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten....aber wir sind ja flexibel.
CONTROLLER : Wir auch!Reduce to 173 knots.
CONTROLLER : Delta Zulu Romeo,turn right now and report your heading.
PILOT: Wilco.341, 342, 343, 344, 345....
Luftschlacht um England.
Eine Bf 109, vom Verband abgeplatzt, auf dem Rueckflug ueber den Kanal :
"Ich bin allein, ich bin ganz allein !"
Unbekannte Stimme im FT : "Halt die Schnauze, bloeder Hund, Du bist nicht allein. Eine Spitfire haengt an Deinem Arsch !".
Luftschlacht um England.
Eine Bf 110, mit einem zerschossenen Motor einen Jaegerplatz ansteuernd :
"Achtung, Achtung, mache Einmotorenlandung. Platz frei, Platz frei !".
Darauf die Stimme eines Bf 109-Jaegers :
"Reg Dich nicht auf, ich mache immer Einmotorenlandungen!"
Ahlhorn
Einem juengeren Piloten, der mit einer Do 27 eine Wochentagslandung gemacht hatte, gab Ahlhorn Tower die "Rollanweisung": "Now jump
left to apron".
Ueber dem Atlantik, in den 70er Jahren.
Eine SR 71 Blackbird fliegt nach einem Besuch bei der Luftfahrtshow in Farnborough ueber den Atlantik zurueck in die USA. Die SR 71
meldet sich bei Atlantic Control und schliesst an : "Request Level 600."
Der Controller, offensichtlich mit der Performance einer SR 71 nicht vertraut: "If you can reach, then cleared Level 600."
Darauf die SR 71 : "Roger, leaving 800 for 600."
Unbestaetigten Geruechten zufolge, weist das Mikro des Controllers seit damals deutliche Bissspuren auf.
This story is TRUE: told by the pilot and confirmed by ATC.
Southend National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft. ATC:
NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000.
NAA676: Southend, 676 is passing 2000, climbing
Southend: 676 call London 128.6
NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home.
(in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90)
NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am
returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend.
London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft?
NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
AIRCRAFT: I'm diddlying bored!
F/S Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself
AIRCRAFT: I said I was diddlying bored, not diddlying stupid!
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot,
but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was aked to hold
while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the
last airplane that landed there.
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending
in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told
me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are
designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet.
I'm a commercial pilot, and a couple of years ago I was listening to the scanner late at night near DFW airport. I heard the following true to life
exchange (the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but it was DFW tower).
DFW Tower: "Lonestar 189, clear to land 18R, wind calm."
Lonestar: "Roger, cleared to land 18R."
Lonestar: "Tower, we hit something."
DFW Tower: YOU DID WHAT???
Lonestar: "We hit a small animal or something on the runway. Ya know, some sort of road kill or something."
DFW Tower: "UPS 31 HEAVY, be advised company that just landed ahead of you on runway 18R reports hitting some sort of roadkill."
UPS 31: "That's allright, we'll flatten it out a little bit for ya!"
NY Ctr: "Federal Express 235, descend, maintain three one zero, expect lower in ten miles."
FedEx 235: "Okay, outta three five for three one oh, FedEx two thirty-five."
NY Ctr: "Delta fahv twuntee, climb one ninah zeruh, dat'll be finah..."
Delta 520: "Uhh... up to one niner zero, Delta five twenty."
NY Ctr: "Al-italia wonna sixxa, you slowa to two-a-fifty, please."
Alitalia 16: "HEY! You make-a funna Alitalia?!"
NY Ctr: "Oh, no! I make-a funna Delta anna FedEx!"