Greetings fellow Consumers of the United States of America Inc.!
I speak to you today from the Miller Genuine Draft White House to relay the latest Profitablilty Strategy from the National Corporate Share Holders Meeting held yesterday at the Merck Pharmaceuticals Capitol building. Firstly you will be pleased to know that, since the Corporate Shareholders currently own 87% of the United States of America Inc., it will not be necessary to distract you individual shareholders from your productive consumption with a General National Shareholders meeting and vote.
The most important news from the meeting is that the International Commerce Bank of China has completed it's aquisation of Walmart and therefore adds Walmart's 30% National Shareholding to it's current 22%, making it the dominant shareholder in United States of America Inc.. Congratulations to ICBC and it's shareholders around the world: I am sure you find our Nation Corporation a profitable and prestigious posession! This exciting development will allow USA Inc to further increase it's dynamism and leverage it's synergies in World Commerce! Look for many impvements over the coming months: ICBC has already outlined plans to slim down USA Inc and re-focus on core capabilities! Additionally ICBC plans to resolve the long running National Language Dispute between our Spanish and English speaking consumers. ICBC plans to change the National Language to Mandarin in line with it's other National Corporates such as EU AG, UK Ltd., Australia - New Zealand Pty. Ltd. and the Peoples Corporation of China and Siberia. Even better news for Consumers is that the Board of USA Inc. (headed by myself of course) have made some excelenet deals to provide language retraining to Consumers for the low, low price of 45000 Carbon Trading Units! We do have to recognize, however, that some Consumers will not be able to take advantage of this offer or will be incapable of learning the the new National Language. Unfortunately world competition will demand that these individuals will have to be down-graded from Consumers to Associate Consumers with consequent loss of shareholding, water rations and reproductive coupons (gun ownership rights will, of course, not be effected). However we are sure most Consumers will be able to help their Nation by diligently acquiring these new language skills!
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