I suspect that most veteran pilots have tuned out the Help Channel, save for a few looking for an occassional laugh, looking to pick up some strategic info mistakenly placed there, or the few would-be helpful souls (identified by their thinning, graying hair....clutched between their knuckles....).
So, some of things you've been missing since HT started advertising on "DogFights" and similar shows that have been attracting the play-online-for-free-trial-bunnies to AHII.
how do i fli 
Translation: I have not taken any time whatsoever to look at any AHII related website to learn anything about this game I just downloaded for free, and want to start playing right away for instant gratification and prove how 733t I am.
A plea in which the hoped for response is "W,A,S,D, and SPACEBAR to fire" like most FPS out there. It's simple.... nearly a reflex reaction these gamers would often be seen performing in their sleep.
Appropriate response: "Hit ALT-F4 for the help page"
whats th best plane After all, there has to be a bestest, fastests, mostest powerfulest, uberest plane that dominates all others for the noob to pick, right?
how i go fast Translation: I'm a PS twitch-game player and even though my indicated airspeed is in excess of 300mph, it seems slow to my video-tweeking mind. Where's the afterburner and hyperdrive? Where are the spawned upgrades? It's taking too long for me to get anywhere and my limited attention span is not up..... to......ohhh........shiny things.........
what is fastest plane? Translation: After all, I'm totally unaware of flight characteristics such as roll rate, accelleration, climb rate, E retention (what's E?), turn rate, firepower, or the what the effects of any plane at various altitudes could have on that plane's capabilities.
Answer: "Try the Me 163, maxes out around 620mph"
Followed shortly by;
what is fastest plane that dont cost nuttin Okay: "Try a 109K-4 in a steep dive from 10K. WEP on."
how i make tank go Translation: No I have not read anything about setting up controls, and have no idea that vehicle operate in Mode 2, which tends to install as blank, and I should at the very least copy mode 1 to mode 2 in order to get the blasted thing to move. Others do get this far, but don't realise that these vehicles have manual transmissions. Or that E will start the engine.
Hello or the alternative
hi 
You've got me.... still trying to figure these out myself.....
My Answer: "This is your Emergency Help Channel Hologram, Please state the nature of your emergency."
Have not recieved a reply to that yet.
where is the action/fight at? Translation: There's a map?
Anyone need a gunner I need gunner theyre attack "X" base I'm going to "X" base with "Y" plane 
Translation: I have absolutely no idea there are different channels or that I'm posting everybloodything on the Orange Help Channel, or a clue as how to use any of the other channels depsite the little boxes listing channels and colors and the related activation keystrokes above the text box I'm typing in.
Answer: Tell them they are on Help Channel, instruct them on how to access other channels, then squelch them after they've continue to be completely oblivious to your posts over several minutes while continuing to post their non-Help information in the Help Channel.
"Send in the clowns....but wait....They're hereeeee....."
