Best Military Jokes pulled Evar

[AWMac]

Man... I've pulled a few of these... I'm surprised that I'm not in Leavenworth... White House Communications Staff are some pompus Prima Donna biyatches... but I got a USMC Gunny wigged.

Here's the scoop...

We're setting up secure comms for Clinton in Korea... Last minute they change Hotels.. no prob.

So working back in secure comms and this USMC Gunny is an Bassturd... sooo into himself.  Over my shoulder, ranting and raving... Enough is a enough...

You messed with the wrong man.... the plot is hatched.

Comm checks within all the rooms, secure crap active...

I called my friends to help take this Gunny out...  Here's how it went... Gunny screwin with me at the Switch Board to ensure Comms were accepted....


Swithchboard: Hello Sir *(*&^^%%^&) *verification completed* The Gunny decides to recieve the 1st call....

*my friend "Colin"*  "I need to talk to Dick"  (Cheney)
*Gunny*  "Is this a joke?"
*my friend "Colin" "Excuse me, I need access to Dick right now!"
*Gunny*  "Sir we've not cleared these channels yet..."
*my friend "Colin" "I don't care what you've cleared you get Dick on here NOW!!!"

Here is where the Gunny starts to lose it... he asks my team the number to Dick Cheneys room.. to patch Colin Powell in... trap is set.... we give him a bad number and as he tells.. *Colin, my friend* the number.. we wait til he's half way thru with the number then said... "Ohhh wait that ain't right..." It's this number... nooo wait the rooms were changed.. the whole time this Gunny is on the horn with *Colin Powell... heh*

Colin: Dammit What do I need to do you get in touch with Dick... Who's in charge of this Comm crap?"

Gunny: Sir, sir... *assumed a fetal position, whimpering...*

We rejoiced later that night in Ie Tae Won ... was a nice day



Mac

[AWMac]

So here I am.. an Operations NCOIC in a Strategic Communications Battalion, Korea.

Last Ops OIC just DEROS'd and I end up with a 2nd Louie...dammm...

Well the last OIC was left handed and had the BIG phone duct'd taped to the left side of the desk.  The new LT decided he was gonna move it to the right side, seeing how he was right handed.   He set his arse up for this...

Sir: What are you doing?
LT: I'm moving my phone...
Sir: You haven't opened a ticket to move yer phone...
LT: A ticket?
Sir:  Yes Sir ya gotta open a ticket for all moves and such...
LT: Pfffft... Yeah right...

* I call my Central Office... keep dialing this number... it's disco'd now but when it comes up riddle his arse... Tiffany is into this....*

Phone moved and reconnected...

RING!!!!


LT answers... being riddled... SSN, Position within the BLTN..all kinds of crap... Tiff did good.  That Afternoon we had a Commanders Breifing.. I told the new LT that he needed to inform the Company Commander of the phone move so the Battalion Commander wounld'nt slam or blind side her...

He was soo reluctatnat in the meeting... I breifed.. goes down the long table and back to the OPS OIC.. I passed him a note...

"If you won't tell the Commander, I will"

Trap set, bait on hook... wiggle, wiggle.......

Commander asked if there was any last issues...

LT blurts out... "Yes Ma'am.. Today I moved my phone..."

Hook, Line and Sinker!!!!

After the roar had settled, the CO told me to Leave him alone, just Protect him... she was roaring too...The BLTN XO pulled me into his office, Had me scared... then said to me..

"Tell me how you pulled that off... I havn't heard a good LT joke in ages!!!






Mac

[rob53]

Ie Tae Won........brings back memories.........sort of  

'82-'85

[AWMac]

Germany, FRG frikken '88 or so.

GAWD I should have been chastized for this...

Had a new LT for a dam SIGO... I've been running the SQDN Comms for 8 Months now.  Eric Waters... we called him Muddy Waters... 1/2 ACR.

It's not EZ being a Commo Chief for a bunch of handsomehunk Tankers... But anyways... here's the story...

I did alot of Comms repair in the field... watermelon that was beyond and not authorized... yet I kept all the line trp cmdrs talking... job well done.

Muddy tried hard to be one of the BTLN HQ team... he really sucked at kissin arse... still he was handed to me as a puppy.  Here is how I swatted him on the nose...

We rolled into Graf for a Gunnery... 8 days later my guys are beat...sleeping on the range, missing chow..no sleep.. the SUX... we had 40 mins to either shower and sleep or eat at times..notta prob..seen worse.

Muddy drives up to me and asks where does he park?  I said damm look..sign sez SCO..... SQDN Communications Officer.... in all actualluty it was the SQDN Commander Officer..... fed him to the wolves...

20 mins later he's wakin me up..."I'm in trouble...."  Damm LT go talk to the XO... yiou'll be ok"

I had more fun with him... diff story later....




Mac

[AWMac]

Originally posted by rob53
Ie Tae Won........brings back memories.........sort of  

'82-'85

Man we've might have shared a Kettle together...

Mac

[DiabloTX]

I once sent a booter up to the bosun locker for 3 feet of gig line.  His buddy laughed so I told him to follow his friend and get 5 feet of fallopian tube.

[rpm]

When I was on the Boutwell (WHEC-719) we earned a reputation. You know... work hard, play hard.

Once, we pulled into Adak to replentish. For those unfamiliar with Adak, Alaska there isn't much there. A few of our Gunner's Mates decided it would be funny to steal the van assigned to the NOAA ship tied up beside us, hijack the cannon in front of the base flagpole and throw it off the pier. During a hi speed chase with the SP's they wrecked the van with the cannon inside. We were thrown out of port.

Another time at Pier 36 in Seattle we were not too happy about the Munro getting parade duty in Portland instead of us. The Munro was a newer ship, but it was in much worse condition than ours. The crew of the Munro had spent much time and many gallons of paint dressing her up for the Rose Festival in Portland. The night before she got underway a member of our Deck Force decided to to a little touch-up work for them. Sort of a Bon Voyage. This guy was a skinny little dude that was only 18 and very squared away. He didn't smoke, he didn't cuss, he didn't drink and he certainly didn't do what he was about to pull.

He had just earned his diving certification a few weeks earlier. In the middle of the night he suited up and swam over to the Munro and painted PORTLAND SUCKS in nice, big letters on the bow. He did a great job of it, too! The next morning at muster it was a riot. Our entire crew was standing on the rail pointing, laughing and cheering as the Munro crew scrambled to paint over the tag and get underway. Even after it was painted over, you could still clearly read what it said.

Unfortunately, he got busted when they found his wet diving suit with bits of spray paint on it. It cost him 30 days restriction/extra duty and busted to E-2, but he was a hero in our eyes and never wanted for anything while he was on restriction.

[storch]

a friend collected officer's hats.  he had a complete collection except he didn't have an admiral's hat.  we were attached to comcrudesgru12 in the med at the time.  the admiral comes on board to have lunch on our boat and hangs his hat on the pegs in the ward room vestibule!!!!! BM2 melendez is made aware of this and a plot is hatched to purloin the cap and hide it until the storm blows over.

the admiral was kept aboard bigelow until another admiral's cap could be brought to him so he could salute the flag and the quarterdeck watch officer upon his departure.

I played a minimal role but it was funny to watch it play out.

[AWMac]

We had a slight 2 day break during a Gunnery at Graf, FRG.. It was time to have the M1 Tank Idiots to rest up from their hard work....Pissants...

Meanwhile back to 2LT Muddy Waters... as I said before we did alotta "unautherized" repairs of FM radios to keep all the SQDN Staff talking.  Muddy asked once as my right hand man and I were guttin one radio to get another up on how to repair 524's... this would take volumns to rewrite in simple LT terms... yet SPC Clemons simply said that if you hold a 524 very level 8 to 10 inches and drop it it would reseat all the stuff inside and adjust the squelch... we laffed as the LT left not thinking much more of this.... the World turns...

The LT was out to the SQDN HQ tracks... 4 577's backed up to each other, MAJ Lute reading a 3 day old Stars & Stripes, relaxing, so quiet and surrine... a simple squech prob with one radio... Muddy decides he'll fix it.  Pulls the radio from the mount, holds it 10 inches from the nice aluminum metal deck and drops it....    BAMMMMM!!!!

This sweet interuption of sweet peacefulness sent MAJ Lute backwards from his folding chair, newspaper in air... MAJ Lute arises and commenses to rip the buttocks off Muddy..

" *insert yer Divine enity here* "Dammit Waters are you a F****** Idiot? That radio better F***** work or you bought that SOB!!!"
Now Muddy realizes he may have been had... he nervously replaces the radio and turns it on....

Clemons and I recieved a radio check from Muddy who now sounded like a 14 year old girl caught fiddlin .... it worked... the radio.... Muddy never tried to fix another radio after that...  Word of this ran thru the SQDN and all fingers pointed to Clemons and me but ended back to the simple fact that a LT is no where near capable of repairing crap....




Mac

[Hornet33]

I had a Warrant Officer I used to work with that I got real good one day. Mind you this guy has over 27 years of service under his belt. He started out as a Sonar Tech and then changed to an Electronic Tech, then made Warrant. He's a very smart guy and has forgotten more about electronics than I'll ever know.

Anyway, I'm over in his office one day and we're discussing plans for an upcoming install we are going to do on one of our ships. Well he starts showing me the new "cool guy" mouse he just got for his office computer. Has a card reader built into the thing and all this other fancy crap.

Well later that afternoon once he had left for the day I walk back over to his office and put a small piece of tape over the optical sensor and write a little note on it. It says "Ha ha ha Got ya"

Next morning he comes in and "What the hell???? My mouse doesn't work!!!!" For the next 15 minutes he is crawling under his desk unplugging the mouse and plugging it back in, digging into the setup files on his PC and what not. Finally he gets on the phone to IT tech support and starts to open a trouble ticket.

While he's on the phone he finally picks the thing up and turns it over and sees my little note. Lucky for me I've known the guy for years and he has a good sense of humor, but he was still a little pissed at me.

Sometimes the most simple little thing can be funny as hell if you get the right person on the hook.

[AWMac]

Scene 4, take 1... cool Summer Day, Graf 1989.. New SQDN SigO, New SQDN XO and I work under the SQDN CO Robert "Darth Vader" Young.

Enter the new SigO Tony Pesnell and SQDN XO Mike "Mighty Mike" Trahan...

The XO has a prob with one of his Multiple radios... for the last 4 weeks this guy has been a Bassturd towards the Commo peeps... Never met the guy except for passing...assshat.

I'm parked on the hardtop at Range Table 10 or so... next to a burned out M113.  APC was hit on Range by a M1.. killed the crew, big mistake.  Anyways I went thru the veh grabbin anything useful... radio in the mount was burned bad, warped and ugly... I pulled it, trading material.

Mighty Mike and Pesnell arrive.. Mike needs a squech adjustment... 5th time this week.. I wait about 30 mins and bring Mike his radio out  *the burnt, smoke smellin, ugly lookin radio from the APC* and drop it by his feet.. "Sir I think we had a prob with yer Radio, we adjusted the squelch a bit too much..."  Frikken Tony is lookin at me like I'm insane and can't belive I'm actually doing this infront of Mighty Mike.... the NEW SQDN XO... bad rep for ending Officers Careers...no one knows this guys level of sense of humor yet....

The radio falls and the face plate comes off.. a distinct smell of smoke...silence...

Then Mighty Mike Trahan bursts into uncontrollable laughter... tears, on the ground, holding his sides... calling for the Medics...a good 30 mins of just laffin and tears... I broke the ice.

We never had a prob with Mighty Mike after that Day... seems we all found a level of enlighteness...



Mac

[Odee]

Electronics shavetail was sent out to round up a various cable including a 40 foot length of TR-double "E" once.  He kept coming to me and I kept sending him back to his sergeant until about the foruth or fifth time.  Where upon I handed him an axe and point to the forrest.  "There, go get it yourself."  TR-EE

Overherad another youngster in motor pool once ask the sarge if he wanted the kid to replace the 'training bogies' on some just in M-60's.  I look over the area and see the traction bogey is blue, and just roll my eyes.  You can imagine the fu that sergeant had.
 

[Hornet33]

My first ship in the Coast Guard was the USCGC Scioto. It's a 65' river tender and we pushed a 100' work barge up and down the Mississippi river working all the aids to navigation in our AOR.

Well on the barge we have whats called a spud. Nothing but a big steel pipe that goes down through the hull and sticks in the bottom of the river to hold us in place while we're working.

We get this new kid onboard and the BM3 decides he want's to mess with him. So Mike goes up to this kid and tells him the spud well is getting low on water and he needs to fill it up. This kid spends the next half hour dipping a bucket over the side of the barge, walking over to the spud, and dumping the water into the spud well. He finally asks us how will he know when he has enough water in the thing and we all bust out laughing.

It just never occured to this kid that the spud well is nothing but a big hole in the middle of the barge.

We got the same kid a couple of days later by asking him to go find the DC2 and ask for a DC punch. The dudes arm was bruised for days:rofl

[Bodhi]

Originally posted by rpm

In the middle of the night he suited up and swam over to the Munro and painted PORTLAND SUCKS in nice, big letters on the bow.
 

[rpm]

I knew an EM2 that lived for boots to be assigned to our ship. He kept a stack of capacitors charged up for those special occassions. He'd see a FNG walking toward him and toss a charged capacitor at them. It was instinct to catch it.

"THINK FAST!!" followed closely by "ZZAAAPPP!!!!"
Aah, good times.