A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. 'I'm afraid I have some very bad news,' the doctor says. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left.' 'Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got?' 'Ten,' the doctor says sadly. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!' The doctor interrupts, 'Nine...'
A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice 'JESUS is watching you'. He looks around with his flashlight wondering 'What the HELL was that?' He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice ' JESUS is watching you'. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks ' Was that your voice?' It said 'YES'. He then says 'What's your name?' It says 'MOSES'. The burglar says ' What kind of person names his bird Moses??' The parrot replies 'THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER 'JESUS'.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?' he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. 'Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!' Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 'Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?' The cowboy turned back and said, 'I had to walk home.'
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkeys, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
Taking off his hat he said, "Pleased to finally meet you, sir, I married your sister."
There's a few I know.
