Author Topic: Joke thread (Read 1118 times)

Chairboy · « **on:** October 25, 2007, 09:15:28 PM »

It's been a while, time for a new joke thread. I'll get it started.

A guy was stopped by a game warden recently with an ice chest full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the him, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
He looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this! You don't think I'm that dumb do you."
The guy poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the guy.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"

Chairboy · « **Reply #1 on:** October 25, 2007, 09:15:59 PM »

Old Sven was asked to give a speech to the PTA about his adventures of flying over Germany during WWII.

"Ya, dat vould be great!", says Sven.

Sven takes the podium and tells his story: "... and dere I vas, flying along, and den I got jumped by dese 6 Fokkers!"

A gasp rose from the audience and the more delicate members began to fan themselves with their programs.

The PTA president immediately jumps up and grabs the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please understand! A Fokker is a type of a German airplane!"

The crowd lets out a sigh of relief and Sven resumes his story: "Ya, ya, but dese Fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!"

Bodhi · « **Reply #2 on:** October 25, 2007, 09:17:06 PM »

Quote

Originally posted by Chairboy
Old Sven was asked to give a speech to the PTA about his adventures of flying over Germany during WWII.

"Ya, dat vould be great!", says Sven.

Sven takes the podium and tells his story: "... and dere I vas, flying along, and den I got jumped by dese 6 Fokkers!"

A gasp rose from the audience and the more delicate members began to fan themselves with their programs.

The PTA president immediately jumps up and grabs the microphone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please understand! A Fokker is a type of a German airplane!"

The crowd lets out a sigh of relief and Sven resumes his story: "Ya, ya, but dese Fokkers was flying Messerschmitts!"

LOL

AKIron · « **Reply #3 on:** October 25, 2007, 09:25:52 PM »

What sorta plane was Sven flying?

AquaShrimp · « **Reply #4 on:** October 25, 2007, 09:29:52 PM »

Stop being such dorks. The first joke was BY FAR the funniest.

Heres mine.

What do you call a cowboy hat sitting on top of a pair of cowboy boots?

A Texan with the crap kicked out of him.

gpwurzel · « **Reply #5 on:** October 25, 2007, 10:21:56 PM »

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

I'll get me coat

Wurzel

Dichotomy · « **Reply #6 on:** October 25, 2007, 10:41:35 PM »

1) so this baby seal walks into a club

2) How many batteries does it take to light up the Michigan defense?

One double A.

3) Why does Bob Stoops eat Cheerios off a plate?

Cause he can't handle a bowl.

4) How do you keep a BK from going out?
Pour more gas on him.

5) Why can't Okies read?
Because they're from Oklahoma (for you Mac)

Shuffler · « **Reply #7 on:** October 25, 2007, 11:12:09 PM »

A man and his wife are at their camp house.... the man had been out in the boat all morning fishing. He comes in and goes to take a nap. His wife doesn't know the lake very well but she decides to get in the boat and motor out a ways and anchor so she can read her book in solitude. As she is reading a Game Warden pulls up and tells her she is fishing in a protected area and he will have to arrest her and take her in. The lady says she is not fishing.... she is just reading a book. The warden says "but you have all this fishing gear, I have to assume when I go away you will start fishing". The lady thinks a second and says "OK, but if you take me in I'll have to file on you for rape". The warden tells her he had not even touched her. the lady says "yes I know, but you have all the gear and so I have to assume your going to rape me". The warden looks at her and says......" Lady... Have A Nice Day!"

Hornet33 · « **Reply #8 on:** October 25, 2007, 11:14:55 PM »

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed four objects on his study table; a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself. "When he
comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard - Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up
the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and
took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered to himself. "He's gonna run for Congress."

Hornet33 · « **Reply #9 on:** October 25, 2007, 11:17:20 PM »

During a commercial airline flight an Army helicopter pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When her baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing her infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered
his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,

"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said breast feeding would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Army pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed.......

"And all these years I've been chewing gum."

Chairboy · « **Reply #10 on:** October 25, 2007, 11:21:49 PM »

A very attractive woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

AWMac · « **Reply #11 on:** October 26, 2007, 02:16:01 AM »

Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes. Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness" said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young woman from Baylor.

"Elation" she said.

"And you, sir" he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

Mac

AWMac · « **Reply #12 on:** October 26, 2007, 02:17:27 AM »

A Texan boards a plane at the last minute. There was only one seat left in first class. After being seated the Texan realizes he is actually seated next to the Pope. The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle and seems to be almost finished yet stuck on the last bit.

Texan: "You seem to be stuck on the crossword puzzle your Holy Imminence may I help you?"

Pope: "Sure my Son. I need a four letter word... it's another name for a woman... it ends in UNT..."

The Texan is sweating now knowing the only word that came first to his mind would surely send him to Hell if he told the Pope.

Pope: "Any ideas Son?" replied the Pope.

By now the Texan is drenched in sweat, trembling and growing pale by every second....the Texan thinks to himself, I gotta tell him, I just gotta tell him... get it over with. His heart is racing critically.

Pope: "C'mon Son what do you think?"

Just as the Texan turns towards the Pope and opens his mouth...The Pope exclaimes...

Pope: "I got it!!!" "AUNT"

The Texan was removed at the final destination by stretcher, mumbling over and over again... "AUNT, AUNT, AUNT......"

Mac

culero · « **Reply #13 on:** October 26, 2007, 04:11:25 AM »

Chairboy owned a bar, and prospered well for 30 years selling liquor to his patrons. But, he finally grew tired of the constant interaction with the often obnoxious public, and decided to retire in solitude. So, he bought a place in a remote region of Alaska.

After living completely alone in his new abode for about six months, he was surprised one day to hear a knock on the door. When he opened the door, he was greeted by a large Grizzly Adams type, who introduced himself as Mac.

Mac: "Howdy, I'm your neighbor from 40 miles down the road."

Chairboy: "Nice to meet you."

Mac: "I'm gonna have a party tonight, and I wanted to invite you."

Chairboy: "Wow, cool, sounds like fun. Thanks!"

Mac: "There's gonna be some drinkin'."

Chairboy: "I've been around plenty of that, no sweat."

Mac: "And maybe some fighting."

Chairboy: "No worries, I can handle myself."

Mac: "Prolly be some wild sex, too."

Chairboy: "Awesome, I'm starting to like the sound of this party! What should I wear?"

Mac: "Suit yerself, its just gonna be the two of us."

culero · « **Reply #14 on:** October 26, 2007, 05:10:27 AM »

This one's a little lewd, prolly just across the "don't post that here" line, so I'll just link it....funny as hell if you like lewd humor, though

DEAR CONNIE

Rated "R" for graphic sexual content and some vulgarity