Taking in family members

[Gunslinger]

This is kind of a serious post.

I'm seeking anyone else that has experience with this, the good and the bad.  Basically my wife has asked me if we could take her 16 year old neice.  Her sister is moving to another Massachusets to start a relationship with somone she's never physically met.  Her daughter has lived in a hick town her whole life and is visiting us here in San Antonio for the first time.  As far as high school educations go she is not getting what she needs in the town she's living in nore the town she's expted to move to.

My wife has asked me if we could take her in here so she could stay in Texas and actually improve on her education.  As far as I know they are moving to another small town.  Personally I have no problem helping out family at the drop of a hat but I want to know if anyone else out there has any experiences with this good or bad.  We  have the room for her and she has the means to support herself.  Any advice is appreciated.

[eagl]

My family has had some experience in this area.

1.  Female cousin (Danish) moves out from Denmark during high school for 1 year.  Homesickness and adjusting to a new environment made it somewhat difficult at first, but overall it was probably a good experience.

2.  In the payback swap, we shipped my sister out to Denmark for a year at a time when she and my Mom were having some problems, and my Sis wasn't too happy with her highschool either.  This didn't go as well.  My sis didn't make ANY effort to learn Danish and came back from Denmark a fully addicted smoker after spending most of her free time that year hanging out in a pub (no enforced drinking age there).

3.  In-laws send a troubled cousin to stay with my brother's family (brother is married to cousin's sister).  This works ok for a while except that my brother's best friend ends up the cousin's live-in boyfriend until he rebuilds a motorcycle engine using my brother's washing machine as a workbench, and my bro kicks them out.  A couple of years later, she returns pregnant and still troubled (made worse by some circumstances not her fault).  Brother adopts the baby and cousin goes back home.

So...

What does this tell me?  If there is a good relationship already in place, as it was when my Danish cousin came to live with us, it can be a good experience.  If the move is more due to other problems or if the teen is going to be disgruntled about the whole thing, then it can be tough to make it a positive experience.  If house rules are not respected however, then it's time to knock it off and send the guest home before feelings get really hurt.

[Gunslinger]

I appreciate your reply sir,

The whole story is this.  The niece's mom met a GIRL on the Internet and wants to move to massachusetts to live with her.  The niece is here for the holidays and relayed her apprehension of her mom moving in with a GIRL that she's never physically known and dragging her daughter with.  The town they are moving too is another hick town compared to San Antonio.  She asked if we could ask her mom if she could live here during the school year because there is more of an opportunity for her. as schools suck where she lives.

She is a bright girl with a good future.  She lives in the sticks as it is and we live in the suburbs with a good high school near by.  

I have no problem taking her in as long as there is a little financial support for her.  However, I am concerned about anyone else that has done such a thing and had good/bad experiences with it.  

I told her and my wife that I am apprehensive and need to think about it.  There would be definite ground rules to follow and what not and I'm not sure I'm ready for a teenager in the house.

However, she seems like one of those kids that has a great head on her shoulders.  She intends to get a part time job to pay for expenses and such.

Anyone have any other experience with this sort of thing?

[Tac]

I have no experience per say in these situations but i'd say the benefits are astronomical compared to any possible issue you might have with her living in your home.

She's 16.. that means its a short stay (as a minor). When she's 18 she'd be out of high school and in college (i hope!).

The improvement she can have for being in a better school in those last years of high school make all the difference when it comes to college exams and the doors that will open for that girl. Not to mention knowing what life is like in a city and not a small town (the change for me was rather significant..and I came from a small city into Orlando, I cant imagine what it'd be like from a small town into San Antonio).

Family first and always.


Now, I would worry about her mom moving somewhere else to be in a relationship with someone she's never met. Good call on her part to not have the kid with her in the first stages but still... man thats a huge risk in my opinion.

edit: as you posted before i could type this up... new info... umm if its the girl asking you and you know she's level-headed.. I dont see why not. Finances can be one issue but I think her future is worth a little discomfort

[eagl]

A couple of thoughts:

1.  It sounds like (if you have the whole story) she's asking for this for the right reasons.  I'd shxt my pants if my unwed Mom wanted me to uproot at age 16 from one hick town to another, to live with someone we'd never met.  Chances are, that other "girl" is a nekkid obese 45 yr old pervert looking for a chance to "move in" with a mom and her 16 yr old daughter.  Ugh.  Run the f**k away girl, smart choice.  Get out by any means possible.

So... allowing her to move in with you might prevent a runaway situation anyhow.

2.  You'll be taking on a pretty big obligation.  16 year old girls get taken advantage of no matter where they are, and you and your wife will be both her mentors and protectors.  Then again, you're an NCO who's seen this sort of thing before, the only diff here being that your niece hasn't signed a contract and isn't drawing a paycheck in return for getting up every morning at reville.

3.  She's probably spooked by the decision her mom is making and by her previous situation, so you'll need to avoid coming across as too authoritarian when you discuss the household ground rules with her.  She's old enough to want/expect some independence, and you'll need to walk the lines between friend and parent, and good cop / bad cop.

I guess it comes down to if you think your household is healthy enough to absorb an unknown factor and thrive.  Still, the girl's situation sounds like a bad cable tv movie waiting to happen if she doesn't have the option to stay with you.  I don't see much good coming from telling her she has to stay with Mom and whoever it is she's moving in with, in a small town that won't help her meet her real potential.

[AquaShrimp]

I think it would be a really beneficial experience for your neice, seeing as how your of the disciplinarian type and she would also get to attend a better school.

[E25280]

If she is the one making the request, you have already cleared what I see as the biggest pitfalls.  She won't be "disgruntled" about being "abandoned" by her mother.  She will already understand you are trying to help, and therefore she shouldn't chafe at any restrictions.

Only question, then, is how her mother feels about the situation.  Is she ok with it?  If not, there could be legal troubles.

I would lay down the ground rules up front.  Make them a little stricter than you think you might really enforce, perhaps a chore or two to "earn her keep."  Bottom line it that she shouldn't expect it to be a typical "vacation" or family visit.  If she is ok with any restrictions you lay down, then do it.  

You are in a rare position to make a positive difference in her life -- you may regret it later if you turn her away and things go badly for her.

My unqualified $0.02.

[eagl]

On the other hand though...

You don't really have an *obligation* to save people from bad situations.  The world is filled with injustice, and you have your own challenges in life.

The question is if you WANT to do this.  If you want to do it but you're afraid of what might happen, then yea you should think long and hard about the risks and benefits to you and your niece.  If your arm is being twisted into doing it however, then you should assess how obligated you feel to helping manage your niece's life at this time.

[Gunslinger]

Thanks for the replys,

Eagl you are correct in the fact that I run a tight ship at home.  In the descussion with my wife today I told her flat out that if we decide to do this it is OUR way or no way.  She abides by our rules and no other.  

BUT, this girl grew up in a pretty strict household allready and doesn't need a whole lot of disciplining.  She's really into the drama club and at her current school there's not a whole lot of oppertunity for her to explore.  I told my wife strait up that if she's here she's going to do at least one sport too.  

In a ways it's kind of practice for our kids who are 8 and 5.  Again this girl has good head on her shoulders and isn't a problem child.  I have NO problem talking to her about stuff.  We are FIRM parents and don't tolerate BS from our kids and we would expect the same from her.  She KNOWS this and is just concerned about her mom moving into an unpredictable situation.

I can respect that and have room for her to boot.  If she does go off the deep end she's outta here faster than she can blink.  She sees what kind of father I am and what kind of discipline I instill apon my children.  I don't tolerate BS from them and will not from her.  


Aside that I'm torn that I can provide a life for a young girl that she would otherwise not get from her own mother.  It would have it's benifits as in "built in babysittery" and "pick me up from the bar" lol.  I don't have any obligation aside that she's family.  But, by trade I am a mentor.  That's what I do for a living.  If I can make a more positive impact on somone I do it.

I'm really curious what BAD experiences I might endure from this?

Thanks again for  your input Eagl  !

[eagl]

Originally posted by Gunslinger
I'm really curious what BAD experiences I might endure from this?

Heh, you don't want to know...  But you asked, so...

She shows up, bringing her meth habit that she forgot to mention.  You catch her setting up the meth lab under the garage workbench and she promises to be good, but you come home from work early one day to find your wife out shopping and she and her new best friend from school are playing hooky and are rummaging around through your stuff looking for cash or rarely used items to steal and sell.  When you put your foot down and try to send her home, she reveals that she's pregnant and says if you send her away, she'll claim that you raped her.  Even though simple tests will disprove that you're the father, you'll still have to report on every single job application and security clearance update that you were investigated for a sex offense against a minor.  In the meantime, during the investigation she gets a restraining order against you as a matter of procedure and that means you cannot possess or handle firearms for the duration of the investigation, which can last at least as long as her pregnancy if she refuses to allow amnio tests due to the small but measurable risk of miscarriage.  So the AF puts you in a non-deployable desk job, your next EPR is "firewall 3", you get passed over for promotion, and when you are finally cleared of the charges you find that the cops have lost the guns they confiscated after her initial hysterical 911 call.

Oh yea, all your neighbors think you're a perv, your kids are taken into protective custody for several months, and you end up moving to some hick town to rebuild your life.

Well, you asked...

[culero]

I've taken kids on more than once. Overall, IMO a good experience. You have an opportunity to help a younger person develop and hopefully to their benefit. There's no downside to having more close family that are attached to you for the right reasons.

The younger they are, the easier it is. Teenagers can be a handful.

Your biggest potential downside is the possibility that the 16 year old young woman will choose to make decisions to move herself to adulthood sooner than you feel she should. In that situation, your position is very difficult.

The circumstances you describe make me say that you should go for it. It should be good for you and your family.

[Dago]

As E25280 indicated, you have a chance to make a difference in a young persons life.  These kind of things can go either way, and in a big way.

Your first responsibility is to your children.  Period.

I have not been involved in a situation like this, but I would think it all would hinge on the girl.  She could be a great addition to your house and become like a daughter to you, or she could fill your life with grief.  If you don't know her well, you take a risk, but all people who accomplish good things have to take risks.

Is there anyway to offer a trial period without committing to a long term thing?

[Gunslinger]

Originally posted by Dago

Is there anyway to offer a trial period without committing to a long term thing?

Yea she's with us for the next nine days.  We just sat her down and discussed this with her that the next few days are going to be fun and family filled and we'll revisit the issue before she leaves.

Her mom hasn't agreed to it yet.  Like I've hinted above she met a woman on the internet and agreed to move in with her.  I don't know how long she's been a lesbian but most in the family have allways suspected it.  It's not that but the fact that she's moving in with SOMEONE that she's never physically met.....let alone lived with.  The daughter in question wants more oppertunities in her education and she can get them here in san antonion vrs BFE were she's moving too.  Plus, she doesn't want to be moved from Texas to Mass. on one of her mothers's whims.  

I can  totally see where the girl is coming from and I've laid down the law that if she's living under our house it's our way or no way.  She's a good kid and I think it will be good.  

I'm no one to turn my back on family.  I've cared for my mother in law for the last 3 years while she's faught breast cancer.  

This is a whole different sack of potatoes though.

[eagl]

Good luck Guns.  I hope her Mom agrees.  

I wonder if it'll help if it's clear to the Mom that she's not going to have to send out a check every month...  Sometimes money talks, even when it's family.  She'll need to know that it's to both her and her daughter's interest, to overcome any emotional objections.

[Yeager]

I have experience with this.  If the person you are taking in is a decent person and willing to SHARE responsibilities and be of good value to the household then by all  means help out, with the expectation that it is short term ONLY.

If you have doubts about the quality of the individual and that person shows ANY inclination to avoid being responsible and helping out both physically and financially,  do everyone you hold dear to you a favor......

PASS